Friday again..

Todays therapy session was harder than usual as we talked about my impending visit to my old house where I grew up..

I remembered a few good times in that house, like when the street outside flooded every winter and we would hang out of the bedroom window watching the fire brigade pumping out the water, hoping they would get in low enough before it came into the house, the times we used to climb out the bathroom window to get away and go off up to the pub, these memories are few and far between, so not many, most of my memories are nasty ones.

Jane started to ask me to tell her about some of the other things that happened there, like how it was day to day as I grew up, I tried really tried to tell her as much as I could about how things were each day, how we were made to get up each morning at 7am whether there was school or not.. we had just half an hour to all get washed and be downstairs for breakfast, if anyone didn't make it there would be trouble! so we all tried as hard as possible to be downstairs on time.

Breakfast was usually a bowl of cornflakes and a piece of toast with a cup of tea, In the winter months it was a bowl off porridge oats which we were all used to having been born in scotland. We had half an hour to eat it all, frequently I didn't make it as I was a slow eater, still am pretty much, when that happened I was forced to eat by Him! he would hold my nose shut and when Opened my mouth to breath he would force a spoonful of food in, i f I dared to choke he would lash out! After breakfast it was either off to school or on a non school day we were made to go out and play, being told to just make sure we were home by 5pm for dinner. So basically we were thrown out of the house from about 8am to 5pm with no lunch to speak of unless we were in school. By 5pm we had to be home to get the dinner and chores done before him and mum got back from work, if they weren't done my god there was trouble, a beating at least and sometimes we would be sent to bed with no dinner depending on what it was we were supposed to have done or not done!

Luckily sometimes we were able to get back indoors after him and mum had gone to work, especially when it was raining etc. Life as a child for my siblings and I wasn't easy at all, at least one of us was beaten each day by him! At that time in our lives he wasn't married to our mum, he was just her boyfriend and she let him do whatever he wanted to do to us! Now I think it was because he had older children than us of his own, Mum for some reason beleived he knew what he was doing in disciplining us. But he was just a bully who took advantage of the five of us whenever he could. When we sat down to dinner at night, usually about 6pm we had to eat everything that we were given whether we liked it or not, if we didn't again trouble! I often got into trouble as I was a very fussy eater so most meal times were a nightmare for me in particular. I never finished my meal in the time he set so he would force feed me on an almost daily basis, when he wasn't there Mum would do it herself so I had no peace from that side of life regardless.

Jane asked me today to try to describe my feelings when he force fed me! it was hard to do, very hard and as I tried to explain it to her I got upset as I remembered it so clearly I started choking, gagging and coughing so much that she thought I was having an asthma attack, she asked me if I needed her to call an ambulance and I said no, I was ok.. it took ma a few minutes to calm down again but I couldn't expalin it to her in any more detail than I had as I could tell I'd be right back there and I didn't want that.. not today.

My stress levels are high enough right now, knowing that I am about to go back into that house, I am terrified of how I am going to feel or react but I know I have to do this. It is time!