Monday night.. ( may be upsetting to read)



Today I had one the the worst flashbacks that I can remember for a long time, I'd stayed up last night to watch 'The Oscars' with a friend so was very tired. I decided to lay down for a while and had this horrible flashback.

I was right there in the thick of it.. back in that house where I grew up.. I could hear him shouting my name, telling me to get upstairs right now! I knew what was coming but was unable to stop it. I knew if I didn't go he would just come and get me, so I went upstairs. I found him in my mums bedroom,as I had many times before, he was laying naked on the bed. He told me to get undressed and get in.... I didn't want to, I really didn't.... but knew there was no point trying to argue.. so I did as I was told... not for the first time either, I was I think about 15yrs old! I can still feel the pressure as he forced himself on me, I feel the pain, the upset the emotions of fear and terror that I felt back then..He Raped me that day as he had done many times before, hense why I don't feel safe, I feel very vunerable and scared at the moment.. but deep down know that i am safe.... it doesn't make much sense, I know, to anyone who hasn't been there! but its not a nice feeling I can assure you of that.

These flashbacks now are coming up I think because tomorrow I am going back to 'That' House! the house where it all happened. I know its going to be very hard for me going in there and memories will no doubt flood into my mind, but I have to do it! I have to know if I am able to deal with this now? I have wanted to go back for many years now and see if maybe I could lay some ghosts to rest, well tomorrow is my chance, the house is finally on the market for sale so I have booked to go and see it with a good friend and one of my sisters. No doubt my sister will find this very hard as well so hopefully we can help each other get through it..

Because of whats been happening with me since this was arranged I have been writing poetry once more, the first one is trying to explain how I feel today, the questions I need answers to? but doubt I'll get... Called 'Wasn't Strong' I felt appropriate because as a child I wasn't, but now I am much stronger.

'Wasn't Strong'

Alone and Scared, Hiding the shame,
Sitting here wondering, who is to blame?
All those things happened, when I was a child,
The memories clear, Strong not mild.
Beaten and Torchered, forced to eat,
Getting through it all, no mean feat.
But so far I've lived, blocking it down,
Look hard on my face, you'll see the frown.
Telling my truth, I'll find a way,
Look out all, it will spill out one day.
The story of youth, damaged for life,
The tales of my sadness and my strife.
Embarrassed, ashamed, is how I feel,
Recalling some memories are they all real?
Did I encourage when I was a teen?
How come the Abuse, by no one was seen?
Why did it happen, happen to me?
Why did no one listen, hear little me?
They let it continue, for many a year,
Each day after school, I'd return home in fear.
Wondering, would 'it' happen, again tonight?
Living each day, in terror and fright.
Was I to blame, what did I do wrong?
Oh! NO I was not, I just wasn't strong.

The second poem written just yesterday morning, is more about how all this is making me feel today! my hopes that now he is an old man he may just be suffering, just a little bit because of the pain he put my siblings and I through.. I called it 'EVIL YOU' and I think it is self explanitory..

'Evil You'

Dreading this visit, that I need to do,
All because of what happened, at the hands of you!
I hope that your miserable in your old age,
I need to do this, to turn over the page.
Going right back to my childhood home,
Thank God you can't, call me on the phone.
Memories clear, of feelings and pain,
Because of you, my lifes not the same!
You ruined my youth, ruined my life,
I thank God my Mum's no longer your wife.
The minute I told her, told her my truth,
About what you had done, when I was a youth.
She left you that day, never to go back,
I wish I could give my memories the sack.
But your in my dreams, my memories to,
I hate and I loathe, detest 'Evil You'!

This I think my therapist would say is my anger towards him coming to the fore, I am so angry at what he did to me, and what he put me through that I somehow need to find a way to handle it and cope with it.. maybe one day I will find my route.. maybe I will one day be able to put it all behind me and move on with my life? I don't know.. all I know right now is that I need to do this visit tomorrow to see if it may help in some way, I have a back up plan if things get to hard in there, to go outside and maybe calm down before going back in again.. hope it works eh!

But I have to admit to myself right now that I am terrified of what will happen in there, will it be so painful remembering it all that I will break down in tears? will I end up having a major flashback in the house? how would my sister react if that was to happen? she has never seen it happen to me before so I'm worried it may set her off as well.. but regardless I have to at least try and do it, for my own sake else I'll always be asking myself 'what if'?