Thursday Morning 9.10am

Its been a weird few days, things seem to be coming to a head in my thoughts and I know now that I need to really start working on things that I am trying to deal with.

I've had a headache for the past three days and it just won't go away no matter how many tablets I seem to take, guess its my body's way of saying the time is right to deal with all the pain and hurt from my past! even my dreams lately are more detailed than ever before with colour and smell, sound and feelings its quite scary at times as I wake up feeling that I am that child again waiting for him to start hitting or shouting at me!

I clearly recall being made to get up each morning at about 6.30-7am regardless whether there was school or not, we had a total of one hour for all five of us to get washed dressed and have breakfast, if we weren't ready on time we would be hit, shouted at and asked why? Many a morning my older sisters would get into the bathroom before me so I would have to really rush to be done on time, I often didn't make it so my days started with a beating or being shouted at! I hear you ask what sort of person would put a child through that kind of torture every day?

Well I lived it and can assure you that it wasn't nice at all, it was torture, none of my friends at school seemed to know just how bad it actually was so I had no one that I could talk to about things apart from my siblings, we tried so many times to tell people what was going on, but no one listened to us they always thought we were making it up! as if the bruises weren't enough to tell them it was true! But they chose to ignore them, chose to beleive him instead of us and by doing so allowed him to continue his abuse for many many years.

I clearly remember how it felt, the sadness in that house with five children in, it hould have been a house of laughter of fun, but it wasn't. We would all find excuses whenever we could not to return home straight from school each day, we joined after school classes, clubs anyhing that would be accepted to keep us out for longer. But of course eventually each day we'd have to go home at some point... then it meant about four hours or so of pain, torture and humiliation from him, he'd always find some excuse to hit one of us and if one got hit the others were forced to sit and watch. He would appear to enjoy humiliating us in front of each other, in fact I know he enjoyed it as especially with my eldest sister he would make her remove her underwear to hit her in front of us all even our brother! he was that sick in the head.

Today as I remember clearly more things that he did, I feel sick to my stomach, I feel pain in my chest and my head hurts from to many memories coming up at the same time, but I refuse to let him win anymore, I will fight and fight until somehow I can move past this pain and make my life my own, at the moment it feels as though he has control again control of my thoughs and fears but I know he doesn't if I fight hard enough I can take that back. Never again will I let anyone control me, I will not do what I am told to do by anyone I'll do what I beleive to be the right thing for me and no one will stop me!

Part of the thing that I beleive to be right just now is me telling my story, but remembering the details of threats made, the circumstances of those threats and putting the words down on paper is not as easy as I once thought it would be. I can say things were hard, I can say he sexually abused my sister and I but to write his words and make the feelings clear to the reader, well its not that easy, but I will persist until I get the details right, until I can write it in a way that makes people understand just how painful it is to grow up a an abused child.. to then go into adulthood and be abused again and again ... how hard it is to break that cycle of abuse how much work I have had to do within myself not to treat my children the way I was treated, most of us take things from our own childhood and use it when we ourselves have children but I couldn't do that, as my childhood was not one that I'd like others to live through.. so I had to make my own rules and find my own ways of geting things done, my own way to raise what I hoped would be good kind children with a purpose in life, I don't think I did to badly but hey no one is perfect are they!...

Enough rambling for today, think I'll go and distract my head a bit!..