Tuesday Morning..

Since friday I have been feeling very vunerable once more, delving deep into my past is not only upsetting but very painful as well. Recalling how it felt when my Mum walked away left me feeling abandoned once more, even though I have a very good friend here that I can talk to about things somehow I just can't find the words. I have found myself to be so snappy and irritable that we seem to be arguing much more than usual.. and I hate it!

I have written a couple of poems about how it felt when Mum walked away, I realise now that she walked away from her marriage not her children, but it doesn't stop the memories of the pain I felt at the time. To return home one day and find she had gone, then to be told I would be going with two siblings to live with an Aunt and Uncle was hard to understand at such a young age! I thought Mum had left because I was a bad child? I know now that my siblings felt the same we all blamed ouselves for her leaving. It was some 7 months before I saw her again and when I did he was there also, the begining of my nightmare childhood, almost from the minute I stepped of the plane he was shouting at us! I can't describe right now the sort of feeling I had when that happened apart from being instantly scared of him.. but I will say that if I could go back to that time and change anything I'd make sure my Mum never met him! He made my childhood from that day onwards hell!

Here's the poems I have written about My Mum leaving, maybe they will explain a little how I felt at the time!

Angry and Cry.

Sitting here alone, in pain and in thought,
Should I try to talk it through? I know I ought.
But finding the words, is so hard to do,
So I'm sitting here writing, telling you!
The feelings, Emotions, I have felt today,
I wish they had come some other way.
Feeling Abandoned, Alone and Scared,
Wondering why, nobody cared!
I was just a child at five years old,
I cried and cried, or so I'm told.
The day My Mum walked out on me,
I was in pain, why couldn't she see?
I knew then, she didn't love me, knew she didn't care,
When after that I looked for her, 'She' wasn't there.
She started up a new life in another town,
The next time that I saw her face, I saw a frown!
Gone was the Mother I had known, Gone the Mother who cared,
But question all her reasons, I wouldn't have dared!
How could a Mother, Just walk away?
Leaving her Children to make their own way?
Didn't she see, the pain that she caused?
Didn't she know all our lives had been Paused?
Did she know how much we needed her love?
Did she know how much we prayed up above?
Now! as an Adult in my Prime, I try to work out Why?
But everytime I think of then, I get Angry and Cry!

'Little Katie Comes back to me'!

Pain in my stomach, my head and my heart,
As I remember the day, we were torn apart.
Mum had gone far, Dad taken too,
How can I explain, these feelings to you?
Doubting my life, Had I been so bad?
Driven Mum away?, that made me feel sad!
Sent of to live with an Uncle and Aunt,
Explain how it was, right now I can't.
Remembering the friends I left behind,
Even though not all, had been very kind.
Sad and alone, with no one I played,
Sitting there wishing my Mum had stayed.
But now she was gone, onto a new life,
One day in the future, she'd be his wife.
Seven months passed, before I saw her again,
Unknown to her, I suffered much Pain.
When finally we met, he was there too,
The start of my nightmare, as I tell you.
From that day to this my life was hell,
Silent for so long, but now I can tell.
Tell of the heartache, tell of the sorrow,
Maybe one day, there will be no pain tomorrow.
Trying to deal, with memories I see,
As 'little Katie' comes back to me!.

Hope these explain the feelings I had at the time!..