Well its Friday once more, and I haven't written in here for the past week! So much has been going on that I just haven't had the time or been in the right mood to do anything.

I have been to therapy once more today, topics discussed were hard and very triggering, I found out last night that the house I grew up in is up for sale, its a bit of a mess and being sold at auction in April for about £100,000.. I really want to go back into that house and see if maybe I can lay some ghosts to rest. I know its going to be hard going in there the memories I have are not nice ones, so maybe by returning now as an adult I will be able to maybe change them or at least remember some good times? I really don't know. My therapist has told me to be prepared for getting upset, for crying for feeling like I am back there, It could be a very hard thing for me to do But I need to do it for me. I have spoken to two of my sisters today and they both want to return with me, so we are going to try and get the agents to let us go in alone, I know when I go upstairs particularly that it is going to be difficult, the memories I have right now of that house are painful and upsetting but if I don't do this now I will most likely never get the chance again.

As Jane said to me I just need to try and remember that the feelings I experienced back there as a child will most likely come back, but I am not that child any longer I am now an adult who is dealing with it all and this could give me a big step forward on my healing, it could also put me back a little as I remember new things that I have blocked until now? I have no idea.

Also this last week I have found out that a family member who was abused by a neighbour has received bad news, She reported to police about a year ago and did a video statement.. however the Crown Prosecution Service are claiming that the delay in reporting will make it difficult to get a conviction? what the fuck? I waited 16yrs to even report my abuse but we got a conviction, how can they expect a child of 13/14yr old to report and go through the court process? they can't! so many abuse victims wait until they are adults before coming forward. The so called justice system in this country stinks.

I have also been receiving death threats via the telephone and until last night the police made it clear they didn't beleive me? but something changed last night, I engaged the caller in a conversation and they gave a name as Tony, when my friend told the police this their whole attitude changed suddenly they were receptive to my distress and telling me that they will be looking into this seriously, the telephone company are putting a trace on my line so that we can find out where the calls are coming from.. so maybe at last after having had these calls since last November there may just be an end in sight.

I talked to jane today about what happened when I left that childhood home, about what had happened to make my Mum and I leave.. and how the memories of that place affect me even now! I can clearly recall sitting on the sofa in that house watching my siblings getting beaten by that Idiot with his belt, a cane or whatever he chose to use at the time. The memories of sitting on the stairs listening to someone crying, which was a daily occurence there, makes me feel scared to return, but I really feel that I need to do this. I hope by going in there next week that I can maybe put somethings down, lay them to rest once and for all. But the memories will stay with me forever, I will never forget but hope to be able to move on from them and stop them controlling me! The other option is that it will overwhelm me and I won't cope with going in there at all, if that happens I'm not sure what I will do but knowing that two of my sisters will be there as well as my friends will hopefully help me. Time will tell eh!

My flashbacks and nightmares seem to have calmed down again at the moment so its been pretty good of late, Lets hope it stays that way eh! Oh for a quiet life where I am not scared of answering the phone, of going to sleep or of seeing who is around the corner. I hope to move house within about 6 weeks from now so hopefully that in itself will mean a calmer existence.. fingers crossed for me ok...