LISTEN TO THE CHILDREN.


My childhood memories come to the fore,
Bashing, Crashing, Knocking my door.
The way things were way back then,
Punishments dished out, didn't know when.
If we dared to speak laugh or play,
The belt on his trousers wouldn't stay.
He'd use it to hit anyone of us,
Under our breath we used to cuss.
In later years I was told 'he's depressed'
Is that why often he didn't get dressed?
But! that's no excuse for the way he behaved,
In that childhood home, no one had stayed.
He took my childhood made it sad,
The day I escaped I was really glad.
But! for eleven years I endured his wrath,
My life could have taken a different path.
If my childhood had been happy like my friends,
I'd not have these memories, driving me round the bend.
I can not change what has happened to me,
So I'll try to make people sit up and see.
To many children today feel that pain,
Please don't let their lives, like mine be the same.
Listen to the children if they tell you it's wrong,
Please help them all keep singing their song.

By Kate

Well its Wednesday afternoon,

I have no idea what is up with me today! I have been tearful and crying at the slightest thing... I know I had a bad flashback again last night and its still affecting me today, but I can't seem to do anything about it.

As I was going to sleep last night I remember the feelings of being hit, being beaten in fact.. It hurt like crazy I think I was about 8 or 9 years old..maybe a little more but not much.. I was curled up in as small a ball as I could get into but he still kept hitting me, round the head, on my back anywhere in fact that he could reach... I was crying asking him to stop and he was shouting at me, telling me I was stupid! it was my own fault he hit me because I should know by now not to upset him? What the hell I was just a kid? I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done that day, but by God was he angry at me!

Later in the night I woke up about 1.30am.. again from a bad dream.. I was feeling scared again, and wondering why? what had I done to deserve this life? what gave him the right to do these things to me? just because he was dating my mum? and she let him do it! She can't have cared that much for her kids to allow this bully into the home!

As I went backto sleep, I had one of the nastiest flashbacks I've had in a longtime.. I don't recall that much of it today, but I do remember feeling pain in my rear! I know what it was about now, but can't bring myself to write it here, its far to painful right now, maybe one day! I was 16 years old and it was this incident that made me decide I had to find a way out of there and fast! many things had happened to me by the timeI was 16years old, but this one was the worst that I can remember nowadays.. this morning I can remember the pain of what happened that day, I was ill in bed with the flu and Mum had gone out shopping.. so it was just him and me there... the fact that I was ill made no difference at all.. he took what he wanted from me as he usually did but this time much more vicious and violently than before, and I was left to pick up the pieces once again..I couldn't tell anyone what was happening, I'd left school by that time and didn't know anyone where we were living.. so there was no one to help me, the only help I could see was to get out of there and do it fast, his attacks were getting more and more vicious and nasty, he didn't care how it made me feel and I knew he never would so I just had to do what I felt was the best thing...

Remembering this incident last night has left me feeling very vunerable today, I want to isolate myself so that no one can ever hurt me like that again.. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.. I WILL NOT BE HURT AGAIN BY ANYONE!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!

Sunday Afternoon..

I'm sitting here today feeling the after effects of a flashback! Not a nice feeling. I have pain in my stomach and feel very insecure today, I really don't know what to do with myself so am Trying to occupy myself playing games on line.. not that it's working very well, but I have to do something eh!

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I had a nasty flashback about my past, in what I saw I was back to when I was about 19yr old and being attacked by my neighbour, I could feel the pain, the fear and see him standing over me telling me to get on the bed! He had stripped off all my clothes by this point and I was feeling very vunerable, I knew what he planned to do and was scared, very scared. Flashbacks are a nasty reminder of the past and just about every Survivor that I know has experienced them in some way, they can be terrifying and can take anything form a few hours to a few days to get over. Hopefully this time I will get over it quickly as writing it out seems to help me put it away again. But the reality at the time is that you feel you are experiencing it all over again, it leaves you feeling drained and tired and very emotional.

One day hopefully I will be able to say that I've not had a flashback for a while, when that day will be who knows? But hopefully it will come soon for me. I've been having flashbacks now for about two years, when they first started happening I had no idea what they were until a good friend experienced what I went through whilst we were chatting on the phone! I didn't reaise that I'd been absent as such from the conversation until it was all over with, but she explained that I'd been shouting out, crying etc and she'd heard it all down the phone?

Initially that scared me senseless as I worried about what would happen if I had one in front of my children, but she explained to me that it was unlikely as I knew it could upset them so my brain wouldn't let it happen in front of them. A flashback is the minds way of telling us that we are ready to deal with the horrors of our past, or of a traumatic event that we live through, so I guess that was my mind telling me that it was now time to start my healing from the past. Now that I was safe it was safe to remember what happened and deal with it, initially I tried dealing on my own by joining support groups on line and talking to others who had been through similar things, but soon that wasnt enough and I found myself struggling big time with the memories and needing more help, so I got myself a councellor who specialised in Abuse Issues and started trying to get the help I knew I needed, It took me a long time to be able to trust her as most Survivors know 'trust' is a major issue for us, but now after seeing her for nearly two years I finally feel that I could tell her almost anything, so as of next week I'm going to try and really talk to her about the things that are happening for me now, the flashbacks the nightmares etc maybe she can give me some ideas as to how to deal with them better? Well at least I hope she can because I'm totally lost right now and just don't know which way to go next..

Friday again...

Well I thought today would be my last therapy session for three weeks as I was expecting to move house next friday! But as my luck goes I should have known that was to good to be true, my move has now been delayed for a month so I will be moving Hopefully by the end of April if my incompetant solicitor gets off his butt and does the job I am paying him to do, we might just make it..

Anyways today in therapy we talked about feelings and how over the years I have managed to finally start to show how I feel in certain situations, as a child I would always revert back into myself and stay quiet, I put up with whatever life threw at me and said nothing, nowadays I'm not so capable of doing that. I tend to let my feelings be known most of the time and often not worrying about who is around or what the problem is, Just a few days ago I did just that on the telephone to my solicitor, I told him straight that I was paying him a shit load of money for work that he was supposed to be doing on my behalf and it was time for him to get off his butt and do the work I was paying him to do! a few years ago I would have just ignored it all and let him carry on at his own snails pace and said nothing! but not anymore, I have finally found my voice and intend on using it where needed, he was surprised to say the least, I also told him that just because I am a female does not mean I am stupid! he has since refused to return my calls and gets a colleague to call me instead? whimp!

Anyway, talking of feelings this morning made me really think about how I used to be, quiet, withdrawn and would let almost anyone say what they liked to me without retaliation, I was a whimp myself, to scared that if I stood up for myself that whoever it was would have a major go at me and I couldn't handle that!
After growing up in a house where feelings were not shown for fear of having them used against you its hard to now show them, but slowly I am able to do it more and more! and will hopefully continue to do so. I intend to make sure my feelings and thoughts are made clear where possible, there are of course still times when I revert back to the child, like if someone raises their voice at me, it 'triggers' me right back and I become the child once more. If someone gets to close and I feel threatened the child comes back.. but thankfully that doesn't hapen to often these days, most of the people around me nowadays are friends who understand what I went through so we all try to make sure no one gets upset.
Jane asked me today if I had been back to my old house again? the one where I grew up and I told her no, once was enough, she ased me when it was going to auction and what I hoped would happen afterwards, I told her that hopefully whoever buys it will demolish it and I will never have to see it again! She said would that mean a lot to me? and I admitted the best thing that could happen is for the whole building to be knocked down, maybe some memories of that place would go at the same time if that was to happen. we joked about me going round there just before its sold and smashing a few windows! but that would be criminal and the house itself did nothing to me, just the people who used to live in it with me! But my god would it feel good? lol

I am going to therapy next week now that I'm not moving house and then my therapist has a week of for Easter, then I'll see her again for a week or two before cancelling another on for my move! total chaos just because the solicitor I employed can't do his job properly! I'd better get a reduction on the final bill for all the inconvenience he has caused my family and my buyer, else there will be big trouble, even the Estate Agents are now refering to him as an incompetant solicitor!

Its been over a week since I wrote in here.

So much has happened since then that it's hard to know where to begin. As I have said before I am moving house soon and we have had all sorts of problems coming up in the final weeks, we are due to exchange contracts this week and complete by the 30th, but my solicitor (the idiot that he is) just doesn't seem to be bothering to do his job, he actually took wednesday off last week to move offices? and told me that we were unlikely to complete on time! Yet my buyers have gven notice to move from their rented accomodation and become homeless on the 30th if we're not done! his reaction was 'poor them'! Obviously a man with no compassion or feeling at all, he just didn't care.. How unusual is that? in my life not unusual at all unfortunately.
I have yet to start packing up the house so its all going to be a last minute rush as usual, and no doubt I will get very stressed out as the moving date nears us. But if all the legal papers are completed I will be ready on the day come hell or high water.. there is no way I will let my buyers down.

Apart from all that going on I have been ok ish I guess, my mood has been a bit low with lots of things in my head, I have started writing poems again to try and get the feelings out but they don't always come. I can sometimes write a poem in as little as five minutes as the first line comes into my mind follwed quickly by the next. I barely have time to write it down when the next line is in my head.
I have noticed a lot of books recently about Abuse in the shops, many people are now having the courage to write their story and get it out there, at last people are listening, people are appalled by what they read, but they still keep reading! Maybe the need is there for people who have not suffered Abuse to understand it? to understand the pain it causes? to try and understand why it happens? To everyone out there who may read this blog and know the pain themselves, please know that I also understand how you feel. When you feel sad and have no idea why, when you can't sleep at night but there is no real reason for it, When no matter what is going on around you, you feel isolated and alone. I understand that feeling its a direct result of the Abuse you and I suffered, its the Abusers way of trying to keep us silent and isolated from others so that we don't tell what happened. But more than ever now it is important to break the silence, obtain justice and see the Abusers punished for what they have done to so many children around the world.
Now that I have started talking about what I suffered I will not be quiet anymore, never again will I be silent! I will happily tell the world what was done to me as a child and as an adult by various men! and one woman, my mother. Even though in my heart I forgave my mother she still didn't stop him! she didn't care enough to make sure I was safe as I grew up. This is one of the poems I wrote the other day.

No Debate!


Painful memories come to the fore,
Wishing I, could show them the door.
Thoughts in my head, remember the pain,
Hoping I never, feel that again!
Why do these people, feel the need to hurt?
Why is their tone of voice so curt?
Why do they hurt, a defenseless child?
They ruin our lives, yet their punishment mild!
Please make them pay, suffer like we do,
Please, make this certain, I'm begging you!
Sentence them all, locked up for life,
Because I know, the trouble and strife.
The memories last, with a lifetime of sorrow,
What can I do, to get a brighter tomorrow?
Will someone help me, show me the way?
It won't be a proffessional, there's none today!
So even though, my income is low,
I have to go private, NHS is too slow!
Costing a fortune, to put my life straight,
Losing it all, there is no debate!

Today in the UK is Mothers Day and If she was still alive I would no doubt have spoilt her rotten, but she isn't she passed away some 16years ago now, and as a mother myself I know how I want my children to see me! Hopefully they see me as a mum who cares about them and their welfare, a mother who loves them unconditionally. I have some memories of mothers day as a child and they aren't all good ones, but not all bad either.. hopefully my children will have good memories as they grow up and have their own children.

Friday again..

How come I am always here on a friday? Well that could be because it is therapy day and so much comes up for me that I need to write it out to help me understand and try to deal with it.. It makes me feel that by writing it out I can finally start dealing with the pain and upset that I feel about my childhood, and other problems that I have contended with in my life..

Today was a session that was different in many ways, to start with we talked briefly about the support group that I co run with a fellow survivor, I was asked what I get from it and I tried to explain that it was more knowing that all the people in there understand the high's and lows of the fellow survivor, they know what to say when we need a kick up the behind to carry on with the fight to get our lives back on track. I myself am known for giving advice that turns peoples negative comments into a positives, when they say something negative I may respond with a 'well you may feel that, but!!! try this' Its worked for me! sometimes the advice is welcomed and useful but obviously not always. But it helps being able to understand how they feel, and why they feel that way. I only wish there wasn't a need for such groups on line, but unfortunately if you look there are hundreds of them world wide.. many having many hundreds of members others having much less, but the need is there and all the time that need is there, there will be support groups like this.. I'm glad I set mine up with my friend it has proved invaluable to me over the last few years.. Just having people to talk to that really do understand the ups and downs....


Then we moved on to talking about my family, how supportive are they as I try to deal with all this? Not very in some cases, but very supportive in others.. In fact my brother is coming down to see me in a few days and whilst he is here I am going to try and talk to him about our childhood... I told Jane this and she asked me what I needed to talk to him about? I told her that on a previous visit he had said that he hated our mum! He couldn't forgive her for allowing the Abuse we experienced, I told him at the time that I had forgiven mum after she left him and felt that he should try to do the same, but as Jane said to me today his feelings of rejection from her must be very hard for him to live with, as a child of just 11yr old he was sent away never to return home again, then suddenly at the age of 30yr old he found out that myself and one other sister had suffered sexual abuse whilst living in that house? That must have been very hard for him to comprehend even for a man of his age.. but he had no way of knowing what was happening after he left, but he blames himself! If he had been around he is convinced he could have stopped it happening... some chance of that eh! Our step Father had been abusing my sister since she was 8yr old and no one knew? so how would he have known let alone stopped it as a child? Simple answer there, he couldn't!.

We then went on to talk about other relevant things in my life, including the fact that I had given my brother a copy of my book on his last visit and no doubt he will have many questions about the contents when I see him.. there are things in there that he had no knowledge of that have happened to me over the years including the Abuse from my last Stepfather at the age of 32yrs.. Mind you no one ever knew about that until a few years ago when after I had coped with his weekly visits at my old house, I finally moved away and he kept pestering me, calling me telling me he was outside my house etc.. turning up unexpectedly as my sisters had told him where I was and given my number without knowing what he had done... My brother had no knowledge of it all until about a year ago and he was fuming.. he thought that at last Mum had met a decent guy for her final years on this earth so much so that he changed his name to the same as his! he was angry upset and showed me how it affected him by walking out when he first discovered what had happened.. we didn't talk for a few months and I really did think I'd lost him all over again... thankfully I hadn't.. He is still in my life and I see him often..

Jane then asked me to try and tell her what That StepFather had done to me, I told her that after Mum had passed away following a triple by pass operation he was naturally low and grieving, he said he needed a holiday to get away for a while and asked my husband if I could go along for company if he paid the Air fare? Surprisingly my husband at the time said yes it would be ok.. but whilst on that holiday I had woken in the morning the day before we were due to go home to find him touching me and masterbating.. I freaked out big time.. due to my past it caused a lot of problems for me,
He was a man that I had beleived I could finally trust, but he betrayed that trust that day! I know now that more happened but I can't write that here just yet.. as I was telling Jane this morning I found my self crying again... I couldn't work out in my head why he did this to me when he knew my past? he had been around all through the court case for the first step father so knew what I had experienced in life, ok he didn't know about the rape when I was 19yr old but thats no excuse.. his excuse that morning was that he was a man with needs and I reminded him so much of my mum! what the fuck? she was dead and I was in effect his daughter! I ran from that hotel room that day with tears running down my face, just like they did this morning as I remembered it... No one stopped me or asked if I was ok.. in fact everyone ignored me.. just like they had all my life a reaction I was used to.. No one had ever heard my cries as a child and no one was hearing them this day either..

Jane assured me that she was hearing me and understood how painful it was to remember the feelings, but told me that I have to try and remember that the feelings lie with the incident and not now! She knows its painful to talk about and recall detail of but i need to try and do it in order to move on and get my life back.. Why can't I talk about it in detail with anyone face to face? its weird I can talk about it on line in an I.M. but as soon as its to be face to face I just clam up.. I can't do it.. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to talk face to face, then and only then will I be able to say comprehensively that I am dealing with it and moving forward..

Friday Evening..

Its been a very hard week this week, with going back to my chidhood home the hardest part of it, I have been very stressed out prior to the visit and it has taken days to get back to normal, even yesterday at my sister Marie's, (it was her 50th birthday) we were all there, all four of us.. (I'm the youngest of the four girls, then there is mags, marie and Dot the eldest), my other two sisters had come over as well to give her her gifts, We had only been there about five minutes when I suddenly felt tearful, no real reason why at all, but I couldn't stop it! so I left the room and went into the kitchen, sobbing quietly to myself.. my Eldest sister cam eafter me and asked me if I was ok? I said no did I look it?.. she hugged me and asked how I'd been since we'd gone to the house on tuesday and I told her I'd not been good.. It was the first time in over three years that we'd all been in the same room together, and memories of us all in that house came flooding back as they all laughed and joked.. It was really hard for me, only Marie really understands as she experienced the same things that I did.. Mags called out from the lounge room 'don't worry it will be ok, it's in the past forget it, don't let it get to you!' As if it was that fucking easy doesn't she think I'd have done that? Maries way of coping with it all in the past had been to self harm or overdose, she couldn't handle it at all.. for many years I used to get phone calls telling me she was in hospital yet again as she had cut her wrists or overdosed.. It wasn't an easy time for us as a family.. Yet there am I some years later trying to deal with it all myself and I get told to forget it! move on? I wish to fuck I could!

Today as usual was therapy.. the topic for discussion was going back down memory lane on wednesday! Jane asked me what it had been like going back into the house where I grew up, and I had to admit to her it was very emotional, I admitted that I'd cried when we got to the kitchen area, as I clearly remembered sitting at the table there being force fed by him! My sister and I had remembered where all the furniture was in the lounge room and how we all used to sit there when he dished out his punishments..

We were always made to watch when he got the belt out or whatever he planned on using..It was horrible.. I remembered the feelings when I had been forced to watch that as a child, the embarrassement I felt for my elder sister, when he hit her in front of us all including our brother. It was not a nice feeling at all.. We remembered some happy times like when our Nan visited us and he would put on a show being the kind caring person we knew he wasn't! But he fooled most people including the police. I remembered more bad times than good on that visit and it hurts, it bloody hurts! I have been tearful and just wanting to run away since then but I can't, I have responsibilities to take care of and things to do here that need my attention so I have to sit and try to deal with it all..
Jane asked me how do I cope when it gets like this and I told her that basically I give myself a kick up the backside and tell myself to get on with it! I can do that to myself most of the time, but god help anyone else who thinks they can tell me to forget it... because I don't I won't and I can't.. it hurts to much right now to be able to forget, so I have to try dealing with it all the best way I can.. a lot of the time that is for me to try and lose myself in a game, or just distract my mind to thinking about something else, but it doesn't always work.

Jane then asked me what happened in that house on tuesday, did I go upstairs at all? what was it like for me? I told her that yes I did eventually go up stairs and although it was hard I made it, just....I told her that the small room that I'd spent my last 2yrs in seemed much bigger than I'd remembered it to be, but there is no furniture there now! We then went into the larger front room that I'd shared with my sisters when they had all been at home, we talked about where the beds had been placed and who had slept where! It wasn't to bad in that room as my sister and I tried to remember some good times rather than the bad ones. My biggest problems had started when we had gone into what had been my Mums room, we could still see her wallpaper as the newer stuff had started to peal of, it was still there underneath with all the pink flowers on.. that was so hard to see.. I have seen it in my dreams for the alst few years and thought maybe that I was remembering something else, someone elses home, but it wasn't it was my mums as my sister confirmed to me on tuesday!

My sister mentioned that the room looked much smaller now than what we remembered it to be and I had to agree, she mentioned how mums bed had been up against the wall in the corner of the room and how many dressers she had in there, as she did this I could visualise mums bed there with him on it naked! it started me off again and I started to cry once more.. Jane asked me to try and tell her what happened, I did try to say that he had called me to that room so many times between the ages of 14 and 16yr.. each time I knew that he would rape me! I started to choke, cough, couldn't breath.. I was back there, this morning in her office I was straight back there, it was horrible, I could feel the fright, the fear, the pain of what he used to do to me. Jane tried to re-assure me that I was safe now, it wasn't happening, I was just trying to tell her so that she could help me now.. Even now writing this I am crying as I remember the pain he put me through, even now as an adult I can honestly say that I have never felt such pain in my whole life as what he caused me! Its life long.. I doubt it will ever go away and thats something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, I may be able, at some point in the future to say I have dealt with it all, but I will never forget the pain he caused me. The type of pain that is undescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced it, anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes does not have the right to judge me, or judge anyone else who has to deal with this horro in their lives..

I hope one day that someone somewhere will have the courage to stand up to these evil people and make sure that they receive the punishment they deserve for the pain they cause, be they administrators, police officers, judges, butchers or even bus drivers.. these evil people are in every proffession in the world.. they do not have it tattoo'd on their foreheads that they like to have sex with children, they do not shout out from the roof tops that this is what they do behind closed doors! No they keep it quiet because they know in their hearts that its wrong and they do not want to get caught, they want to be able to keep on with their dirty little secrets so that they can hurt more and more children throughout their ugly lives.. By threatening their victims they ensure that silence is kept... its time now for all of us around the world to start shouting out, its time for the silence to be broken before more children have their lives ruined the way mine has been.

So even if your not a Survivor yourself but your reading this article Please I ask you start lobbying your Member of Parliament in the UK start lobbying your Senator in the USA.. whereever you are its time to get the politicians of this world to wake up and say ENOUGH!! We will not tolerate Child Abuse anymore!! Please help this cause to prevent more children getting hurt in this evil way! Its down to you all, I can't do it alone.... But it so badly needs doing...