Friday again..

How come I am always here on a friday? Well that could be because it is therapy day and so much comes up for me that I need to write it out to help me understand and try to deal with it.. It makes me feel that by writing it out I can finally start dealing with the pain and upset that I feel about my childhood, and other problems that I have contended with in my life..

Today was a session that was different in many ways, to start with we talked briefly about the support group that I co run with a fellow survivor, I was asked what I get from it and I tried to explain that it was more knowing that all the people in there understand the high's and lows of the fellow survivor, they know what to say when we need a kick up the behind to carry on with the fight to get our lives back on track. I myself am known for giving advice that turns peoples negative comments into a positives, when they say something negative I may respond with a 'well you may feel that, but!!! try this' Its worked for me! sometimes the advice is welcomed and useful but obviously not always. But it helps being able to understand how they feel, and why they feel that way. I only wish there wasn't a need for such groups on line, but unfortunately if you look there are hundreds of them world wide.. many having many hundreds of members others having much less, but the need is there and all the time that need is there, there will be support groups like this.. I'm glad I set mine up with my friend it has proved invaluable to me over the last few years.. Just having people to talk to that really do understand the ups and downs....


Then we moved on to talking about my family, how supportive are they as I try to deal with all this? Not very in some cases, but very supportive in others.. In fact my brother is coming down to see me in a few days and whilst he is here I am going to try and talk to him about our childhood... I told Jane this and she asked me what I needed to talk to him about? I told her that on a previous visit he had said that he hated our mum! He couldn't forgive her for allowing the Abuse we experienced, I told him at the time that I had forgiven mum after she left him and felt that he should try to do the same, but as Jane said to me today his feelings of rejection from her must be very hard for him to live with, as a child of just 11yr old he was sent away never to return home again, then suddenly at the age of 30yr old he found out that myself and one other sister had suffered sexual abuse whilst living in that house? That must have been very hard for him to comprehend even for a man of his age.. but he had no way of knowing what was happening after he left, but he blames himself! If he had been around he is convinced he could have stopped it happening... some chance of that eh! Our step Father had been abusing my sister since she was 8yr old and no one knew? so how would he have known let alone stopped it as a child? Simple answer there, he couldn't!.

We then went on to talk about other relevant things in my life, including the fact that I had given my brother a copy of my book on his last visit and no doubt he will have many questions about the contents when I see him.. there are things in there that he had no knowledge of that have happened to me over the years including the Abuse from my last Stepfather at the age of 32yrs.. Mind you no one ever knew about that until a few years ago when after I had coped with his weekly visits at my old house, I finally moved away and he kept pestering me, calling me telling me he was outside my house etc.. turning up unexpectedly as my sisters had told him where I was and given my number without knowing what he had done... My brother had no knowledge of it all until about a year ago and he was fuming.. he thought that at last Mum had met a decent guy for her final years on this earth so much so that he changed his name to the same as his! he was angry upset and showed me how it affected him by walking out when he first discovered what had happened.. we didn't talk for a few months and I really did think I'd lost him all over again... thankfully I hadn't.. He is still in my life and I see him often..

Jane then asked me to try and tell her what That StepFather had done to me, I told her that after Mum had passed away following a triple by pass operation he was naturally low and grieving, he said he needed a holiday to get away for a while and asked my husband if I could go along for company if he paid the Air fare? Surprisingly my husband at the time said yes it would be ok.. but whilst on that holiday I had woken in the morning the day before we were due to go home to find him touching me and masterbating.. I freaked out big time.. due to my past it caused a lot of problems for me,
He was a man that I had beleived I could finally trust, but he betrayed that trust that day! I know now that more happened but I can't write that here just yet.. as I was telling Jane this morning I found my self crying again... I couldn't work out in my head why he did this to me when he knew my past? he had been around all through the court case for the first step father so knew what I had experienced in life, ok he didn't know about the rape when I was 19yr old but thats no excuse.. his excuse that morning was that he was a man with needs and I reminded him so much of my mum! what the fuck? she was dead and I was in effect his daughter! I ran from that hotel room that day with tears running down my face, just like they did this morning as I remembered it... No one stopped me or asked if I was ok.. in fact everyone ignored me.. just like they had all my life a reaction I was used to.. No one had ever heard my cries as a child and no one was hearing them this day either..

Jane assured me that she was hearing me and understood how painful it was to remember the feelings, but told me that I have to try and remember that the feelings lie with the incident and not now! She knows its painful to talk about and recall detail of but i need to try and do it in order to move on and get my life back.. Why can't I talk about it in detail with anyone face to face? its weird I can talk about it on line in an I.M. but as soon as its to be face to face I just clam up.. I can't do it.. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to talk face to face, then and only then will I be able to say comprehensively that I am dealing with it and moving forward..