Friday again...

Well I thought today would be my last therapy session for three weeks as I was expecting to move house next friday! But as my luck goes I should have known that was to good to be true, my move has now been delayed for a month so I will be moving Hopefully by the end of April if my incompetant solicitor gets off his butt and does the job I am paying him to do, we might just make it..

Anyways today in therapy we talked about feelings and how over the years I have managed to finally start to show how I feel in certain situations, as a child I would always revert back into myself and stay quiet, I put up with whatever life threw at me and said nothing, nowadays I'm not so capable of doing that. I tend to let my feelings be known most of the time and often not worrying about who is around or what the problem is, Just a few days ago I did just that on the telephone to my solicitor, I told him straight that I was paying him a shit load of money for work that he was supposed to be doing on my behalf and it was time for him to get off his butt and do the work I was paying him to do! a few years ago I would have just ignored it all and let him carry on at his own snails pace and said nothing! but not anymore, I have finally found my voice and intend on using it where needed, he was surprised to say the least, I also told him that just because I am a female does not mean I am stupid! he has since refused to return my calls and gets a colleague to call me instead? whimp!

Anyway, talking of feelings this morning made me really think about how I used to be, quiet, withdrawn and would let almost anyone say what they liked to me without retaliation, I was a whimp myself, to scared that if I stood up for myself that whoever it was would have a major go at me and I couldn't handle that!
After growing up in a house where feelings were not shown for fear of having them used against you its hard to now show them, but slowly I am able to do it more and more! and will hopefully continue to do so. I intend to make sure my feelings and thoughts are made clear where possible, there are of course still times when I revert back to the child, like if someone raises their voice at me, it 'triggers' me right back and I become the child once more. If someone gets to close and I feel threatened the child comes back.. but thankfully that doesn't hapen to often these days, most of the people around me nowadays are friends who understand what I went through so we all try to make sure no one gets upset.
Jane asked me today if I had been back to my old house again? the one where I grew up and I told her no, once was enough, she ased me when it was going to auction and what I hoped would happen afterwards, I told her that hopefully whoever buys it will demolish it and I will never have to see it again! She said would that mean a lot to me? and I admitted the best thing that could happen is for the whole building to be knocked down, maybe some memories of that place would go at the same time if that was to happen. we joked about me going round there just before its sold and smashing a few windows! but that would be criminal and the house itself did nothing to me, just the people who used to live in it with me! But my god would it feel good? lol

I am going to therapy next week now that I'm not moving house and then my therapist has a week of for Easter, then I'll see her again for a week or two before cancelling another on for my move! total chaos just because the solicitor I employed can't do his job properly! I'd better get a reduction on the final bill for all the inconvenience he has caused my family and my buyer, else there will be big trouble, even the Estate Agents are now refering to him as an incompetant solicitor!