Friday Evening..

Its been a very hard week this week, with going back to my chidhood home the hardest part of it, I have been very stressed out prior to the visit and it has taken days to get back to normal, even yesterday at my sister Marie's, (it was her 50th birthday) we were all there, all four of us.. (I'm the youngest of the four girls, then there is mags, marie and Dot the eldest), my other two sisters had come over as well to give her her gifts, We had only been there about five minutes when I suddenly felt tearful, no real reason why at all, but I couldn't stop it! so I left the room and went into the kitchen, sobbing quietly to myself.. my Eldest sister cam eafter me and asked me if I was ok? I said no did I look it?.. she hugged me and asked how I'd been since we'd gone to the house on tuesday and I told her I'd not been good.. It was the first time in over three years that we'd all been in the same room together, and memories of us all in that house came flooding back as they all laughed and joked.. It was really hard for me, only Marie really understands as she experienced the same things that I did.. Mags called out from the lounge room 'don't worry it will be ok, it's in the past forget it, don't let it get to you!' As if it was that fucking easy doesn't she think I'd have done that? Maries way of coping with it all in the past had been to self harm or overdose, she couldn't handle it at all.. for many years I used to get phone calls telling me she was in hospital yet again as she had cut her wrists or overdosed.. It wasn't an easy time for us as a family.. Yet there am I some years later trying to deal with it all myself and I get told to forget it! move on? I wish to fuck I could!

Today as usual was therapy.. the topic for discussion was going back down memory lane on wednesday! Jane asked me what it had been like going back into the house where I grew up, and I had to admit to her it was very emotional, I admitted that I'd cried when we got to the kitchen area, as I clearly remembered sitting at the table there being force fed by him! My sister and I had remembered where all the furniture was in the lounge room and how we all used to sit there when he dished out his punishments..

We were always made to watch when he got the belt out or whatever he planned on using..It was horrible.. I remembered the feelings when I had been forced to watch that as a child, the embarrassement I felt for my elder sister, when he hit her in front of us all including our brother. It was not a nice feeling at all.. We remembered some happy times like when our Nan visited us and he would put on a show being the kind caring person we knew he wasn't! But he fooled most people including the police. I remembered more bad times than good on that visit and it hurts, it bloody hurts! I have been tearful and just wanting to run away since then but I can't, I have responsibilities to take care of and things to do here that need my attention so I have to sit and try to deal with it all..
Jane asked me how do I cope when it gets like this and I told her that basically I give myself a kick up the backside and tell myself to get on with it! I can do that to myself most of the time, but god help anyone else who thinks they can tell me to forget it... because I don't I won't and I can't.. it hurts to much right now to be able to forget, so I have to try dealing with it all the best way I can.. a lot of the time that is for me to try and lose myself in a game, or just distract my mind to thinking about something else, but it doesn't always work.

Jane then asked me what happened in that house on tuesday, did I go upstairs at all? what was it like for me? I told her that yes I did eventually go up stairs and although it was hard I made it, just....I told her that the small room that I'd spent my last 2yrs in seemed much bigger than I'd remembered it to be, but there is no furniture there now! We then went into the larger front room that I'd shared with my sisters when they had all been at home, we talked about where the beds had been placed and who had slept where! It wasn't to bad in that room as my sister and I tried to remember some good times rather than the bad ones. My biggest problems had started when we had gone into what had been my Mums room, we could still see her wallpaper as the newer stuff had started to peal of, it was still there underneath with all the pink flowers on.. that was so hard to see.. I have seen it in my dreams for the alst few years and thought maybe that I was remembering something else, someone elses home, but it wasn't it was my mums as my sister confirmed to me on tuesday!

My sister mentioned that the room looked much smaller now than what we remembered it to be and I had to agree, she mentioned how mums bed had been up against the wall in the corner of the room and how many dressers she had in there, as she did this I could visualise mums bed there with him on it naked! it started me off again and I started to cry once more.. Jane asked me to try and tell her what happened, I did try to say that he had called me to that room so many times between the ages of 14 and 16yr.. each time I knew that he would rape me! I started to choke, cough, couldn't breath.. I was back there, this morning in her office I was straight back there, it was horrible, I could feel the fright, the fear, the pain of what he used to do to me. Jane tried to re-assure me that I was safe now, it wasn't happening, I was just trying to tell her so that she could help me now.. Even now writing this I am crying as I remember the pain he put me through, even now as an adult I can honestly say that I have never felt such pain in my whole life as what he caused me! Its life long.. I doubt it will ever go away and thats something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, I may be able, at some point in the future to say I have dealt with it all, but I will never forget the pain he caused me. The type of pain that is undescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced it, anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes does not have the right to judge me, or judge anyone else who has to deal with this horro in their lives..

I hope one day that someone somewhere will have the courage to stand up to these evil people and make sure that they receive the punishment they deserve for the pain they cause, be they administrators, police officers, judges, butchers or even bus drivers.. these evil people are in every proffession in the world.. they do not have it tattoo'd on their foreheads that they like to have sex with children, they do not shout out from the roof tops that this is what they do behind closed doors! No they keep it quiet because they know in their hearts that its wrong and they do not want to get caught, they want to be able to keep on with their dirty little secrets so that they can hurt more and more children throughout their ugly lives.. By threatening their victims they ensure that silence is kept... its time now for all of us around the world to start shouting out, its time for the silence to be broken before more children have their lives ruined the way mine has been.

So even if your not a Survivor yourself but your reading this article Please I ask you start lobbying your Member of Parliament in the UK start lobbying your Senator in the USA.. whereever you are its time to get the politicians of this world to wake up and say ENOUGH!! We will not tolerate Child Abuse anymore!! Please help this cause to prevent more children getting hurt in this evil way! Its down to you all, I can't do it alone.... But it so badly needs doing...