Its been over a week since I wrote in here.

So much has happened since then that it's hard to know where to begin. As I have said before I am moving house soon and we have had all sorts of problems coming up in the final weeks, we are due to exchange contracts this week and complete by the 30th, but my solicitor (the idiot that he is) just doesn't seem to be bothering to do his job, he actually took wednesday off last week to move offices? and told me that we were unlikely to complete on time! Yet my buyers have gven notice to move from their rented accomodation and become homeless on the 30th if we're not done! his reaction was 'poor them'! Obviously a man with no compassion or feeling at all, he just didn't care.. How unusual is that? in my life not unusual at all unfortunately.
I have yet to start packing up the house so its all going to be a last minute rush as usual, and no doubt I will get very stressed out as the moving date nears us. But if all the legal papers are completed I will be ready on the day come hell or high water.. there is no way I will let my buyers down.

Apart from all that going on I have been ok ish I guess, my mood has been a bit low with lots of things in my head, I have started writing poems again to try and get the feelings out but they don't always come. I can sometimes write a poem in as little as five minutes as the first line comes into my mind follwed quickly by the next. I barely have time to write it down when the next line is in my head.
I have noticed a lot of books recently about Abuse in the shops, many people are now having the courage to write their story and get it out there, at last people are listening, people are appalled by what they read, but they still keep reading! Maybe the need is there for people who have not suffered Abuse to understand it? to understand the pain it causes? to try and understand why it happens? To everyone out there who may read this blog and know the pain themselves, please know that I also understand how you feel. When you feel sad and have no idea why, when you can't sleep at night but there is no real reason for it, When no matter what is going on around you, you feel isolated and alone. I understand that feeling its a direct result of the Abuse you and I suffered, its the Abusers way of trying to keep us silent and isolated from others so that we don't tell what happened. But more than ever now it is important to break the silence, obtain justice and see the Abusers punished for what they have done to so many children around the world.
Now that I have started talking about what I suffered I will not be quiet anymore, never again will I be silent! I will happily tell the world what was done to me as a child and as an adult by various men! and one woman, my mother. Even though in my heart I forgave my mother she still didn't stop him! she didn't care enough to make sure I was safe as I grew up. This is one of the poems I wrote the other day.

No Debate!


Painful memories come to the fore,
Wishing I, could show them the door.
Thoughts in my head, remember the pain,
Hoping I never, feel that again!
Why do these people, feel the need to hurt?
Why is their tone of voice so curt?
Why do they hurt, a defenseless child?
They ruin our lives, yet their punishment mild!
Please make them pay, suffer like we do,
Please, make this certain, I'm begging you!
Sentence them all, locked up for life,
Because I know, the trouble and strife.
The memories last, with a lifetime of sorrow,
What can I do, to get a brighter tomorrow?
Will someone help me, show me the way?
It won't be a proffessional, there's none today!
So even though, my income is low,
I have to go private, NHS is too slow!
Costing a fortune, to put my life straight,
Losing it all, there is no debate!

Today in the UK is Mothers Day and If she was still alive I would no doubt have spoilt her rotten, but she isn't she passed away some 16years ago now, and as a mother myself I know how I want my children to see me! Hopefully they see me as a mum who cares about them and their welfare, a mother who loves them unconditionally. I have some memories of mothers day as a child and they aren't all good ones, but not all bad either.. hopefully my children will have good memories as they grow up and have their own children.