Well its Wednesday afternoon,

I have no idea what is up with me today! I have been tearful and crying at the slightest thing... I know I had a bad flashback again last night and its still affecting me today, but I can't seem to do anything about it.

As I was going to sleep last night I remember the feelings of being hit, being beaten in fact.. It hurt like crazy I think I was about 8 or 9 years old..maybe a little more but not much.. I was curled up in as small a ball as I could get into but he still kept hitting me, round the head, on my back anywhere in fact that he could reach... I was crying asking him to stop and he was shouting at me, telling me I was stupid! it was my own fault he hit me because I should know by now not to upset him? What the hell I was just a kid? I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done that day, but by God was he angry at me!

Later in the night I woke up about 1.30am.. again from a bad dream.. I was feeling scared again, and wondering why? what had I done to deserve this life? what gave him the right to do these things to me? just because he was dating my mum? and she let him do it! She can't have cared that much for her kids to allow this bully into the home!

As I went backto sleep, I had one of the nastiest flashbacks I've had in a longtime.. I don't recall that much of it today, but I do remember feeling pain in my rear! I know what it was about now, but can't bring myself to write it here, its far to painful right now, maybe one day! I was 16 years old and it was this incident that made me decide I had to find a way out of there and fast! many things had happened to me by the timeI was 16years old, but this one was the worst that I can remember nowadays.. this morning I can remember the pain of what happened that day, I was ill in bed with the flu and Mum had gone out shopping.. so it was just him and me there... the fact that I was ill made no difference at all.. he took what he wanted from me as he usually did but this time much more vicious and violently than before, and I was left to pick up the pieces once again..I couldn't tell anyone what was happening, I'd left school by that time and didn't know anyone where we were living.. so there was no one to help me, the only help I could see was to get out of there and do it fast, his attacks were getting more and more vicious and nasty, he didn't care how it made me feel and I knew he never would so I just had to do what I felt was the best thing...

Remembering this incident last night has left me feeling very vunerable today, I want to isolate myself so that no one can ever hurt me like that again.. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.. I WILL NOT BE HURT AGAIN BY ANYONE!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!