Friday 13th April...

An unlucky day some may say? But so far today it has been pretty good for me, I have a friend visiting from The States and although we have chatted on line for nearly two years we had never met! But today we finally did.. We met up after I had been to therapy as I usually do on a friday.. thankfully todays session wasn't to hard for me..

Today I confirmed to my therapist that I am moving house in just two weeks time, so will not make it to that session, we talked briefly about whats been going on for me these past few weeks since I saw her last time, and I told her the sort of thing thats been going on! very diverse different things that are mainly involved due to the move, things that will settle again once I am settled in my new house..

Then she asked me about how I'm different today to what I had been like as a child, a big question really as I am so different these past two years than I have ever been before. Just tow years ago if anyone dared to raise their voice at me 'out would come kate the mouse' I would shy away into a corner rather than face a confrontation of any kind. Don't get me wrong I still don't handle confrontation easily but I am getting better at it, occassionally I will say my bit but a lot depends on who it is with! For instance just a few days ago I had to have a tradesman round to the new house to measure up for my new kitchen, I told him what I'd been promised by the store and he told me that I was expecting miracles! I said no, just what I was promised and he started raising his voice at me, my friends who were in the other room at the time felt that he was being aggressive and came into the kitchen ready to pounce ...I had reverted back to the mouse, it was a man shouting at me! I just can't handle that at all... but put me in a room with women shouting and I'll hold my own anyday, I can cope with it over the phone as well without any problem but just not face to face.

Jane explained to me that this was likely because as a child when 'he' shouted at me it was usually in advance of being beaten etc so now when a man raises his voice its 'triggering' me back to the day when it happened regularly. I really do hate it when this happens as I feel that I lose all my confidence and am unable to care for myself properly.. If a man shouts at me I just want to run away! Afraid of what they may do if I stay around! So it's not good for me to be in these situations at all.

I had another incident this past week that has caused me to lose faith in my own son! I do not trust him right now, he has totally broken my trust with an incident that has happened. I had put a DVD in my underwear drawer as I didn't want him to watch it, but somehow, most likely when I was out he went into my bedroom and through my stuff to find it, I noticed it missing on Monday and asked him about it, he denied all knowledge of its whereabouts but I found it on Tuesday in a box he had packed? When I asked about it he said he had no idea how it got there? Yet he claimed his friends had not been upstairs when they were here last week! The last time I saw the DVD was a week ago? SO who else could have taken it and placed it in his room and then box ? If it wasn't him!

I know in my heart that he took it, he invaded my privacy and broke my trust all in one day, yet when confronted he is not man enough to admit his mistakes, He has made me feel violated all over again? unsafe in my own home unable to be myself! Yet just either doesn't understand or just doesn't care about how much he has hurt me even though when we spoke about it I ended up in tears? How heartless! I honestly thought he was a kind sensitive lad who was concerned for me and my feelings, but I guess I was wrong once again!

The way I handle things these days is so different to how I reacted as a child, I am now determined that NO ONE will ever hurt me again, no one will ever be allowed that close to me so they can hurt me the way I was hurt as a child.. It's been a long hard road that I've had to climb to get to this point and there is still a long way to go yet but I will travel the distance and get my life back to where I think it should be going. No one is going to stop me anymore! Especially a man! There was a time not so long ago when my ex husband would come to visit the children and he would treat my house as though it was his, but eventually I complained about it and it no longer happens, in fact he hasn't really been down now for nearly a year! which suits me great.. I told him straight that he gave up the right to tell me what to do the day he walked out on us all.. and it worked, that was the first time in my life that I'd stood upto a man and I won! It was a great feeling and one I hope to have again.. Jane asked me what made me do it that particular day and I told her that I'd been talking to a friend on line the night before telling her he was coming down and how much I dreaded it, she persuaded me that I didn't have to take it anymore and should try to stand up to him! well I did and he crumbled..so that alone gave me the courage to try and get stronger for myself and my children, it was the best thing I'd done since leaving home at the age of 16yrs..

Obviously sometimes I still get upset and 'triggered' by shouting, especially if its by a man like the other day, but it doesn't happen as much these days, I'm getting more confident in my own abilities to say what I think and will not be spoken down to anymore, I deserve better and will get it!.

Jane asked me as a child how it felt to be shouted at and beaten! and I said from what I remember it was horrible, I used to try and cower in a corner or get out of the way whenever I could, that wasn't always possible of course and if it led to a beating then I had to endure it without crying, because if I cried I got hit more! and when he hit it wasn't just with a hand but often with a belt, buckle end, or a cane or even his slipper if nothing else was around.. I often had welts and bruises from the beatings but no one noticed or if they did they didn't care enough to do anything about it! It was a horrible way to grow up and one I wish no one else had to experience, though unfortunately hundreds and thousands of other people have expereinced it and many still do every day! When will it all end? When will people realise that CHILD ABUSE IS WRONG? Someday soon I hope!