Friday once more..

It seems to me that I only get in here on a friday after I have been to therapy? Maybe thats because writing out what we've talked about seems to help me digest it all and make some sort of sense of it? I'm not really sure, but I have found writing things out to be very useful to me as I have gone through lifes struggles. Especially when some of the issues that come up are about/caused by my past!

I often write poems after therapy to try and release the anger and tension, but since I moved house I just don;t seem to have the time, apart from which I have no idea where my folder is that contains my poems? We still haven't been able to unpack everything due to the fiasco of the kitchen, so are eating from paper plates.. and hunting everytime we need anything at all.. its been fun in some respects as we have had to go back to basics, but stressful in others as we have tried to get things sorted out the best we can.

Anyways, todays session was particulary hard, we started of having to delay it all due to a massive water leak at home, I was informed by my downstairs tenant that he had water leaking through his bathroom ceiling at 7am, goodness only knows how long it had been going for as when I went down and looked there was rather a lot of water in my kitchen cupboard! this meant I couldn't go to my usual therapy session at 10.30 am.. as I had to deal with the problems here first so we delayed until 3.30pm. I really don't like going that late in the day as it means I am stillthinking about things by the time I go to bed at night.. but today we had no choice it was that or miss it! and I didn;t want to miss a session, there were questions I needed to ask jane today..

Once I arrived jane asked me how things were here and if I'd got the leak sorted out? I said I had and all was fine.. She joked that the next bit wouldbe the bathroom, and we'd probably be left without a loo or the shower for days on end! I said I could cope without the loo as we have a second one downstairs but couldn't cope without the shower, I need to shower each day else I feel like ... Yuk!.. she asked me why this was and I told her that this was better than it used to be where i used to shower sometimes 3/4 times a day? She asked me why I did that and I said it was because I felt dirty! the only thing that helped was to shower and shower often! but now once a day is enough and occassionally my friend and I will skip a day and not shower, but we both feel the need to shower the next day.. a result of the abuse I have suffered over the years I guess!

We went on to talk about other things and I braved it and told her about the incident the other week when I was driving down the motorway at 80 miles an hour and had an anxiety/panic attack.. she asked me to explain what had happened, so I told her that all of a sudden I was overcome by an immense sadness, there was nothing I could do except cry, and I cried like a baby for ages.. I had to pull of the motorway and just sit a while to get myself together.. she said she beleives it was most likely that I was 'triggered' by something, it could have been a road sign, a song on the cd, or even something my friend said! She explained that when you are relaxed and not really thinking about anything in particular then the slightest thing that resembles something from the past can set you off! I said this had never happened to me like this before, I have travelled down that piece of road many times without this happening, but she told me it won't neccessarily happen all the time, just whenI am in a certain frame of mind! She asked if there was any relevance to the area that we were in and I said it was close to where my Rape had happened when I was 19yr old..

She asked me if I felt I could tell her more about that incident? Today! I have to admit I was very apprehensive, as I've not really talked about my issues directly with anyone for quite some time now.. I was wary how I'd react if she got upset, also wary of how i myself would react, but thought about it and decided to give it a go.. I won't go into detail here but I basically told her the whole incident from start to finish! crying my eyes out most of the time.. and wishing I'd kept it to myself.

Anyways as you may imagine talking in detail about 'abuse issues' is tough, I still feel very vunerable tonight and am a bit snappy with those around me, it has brought up lots of memories for me once again, so I will have to try and cope with those over the next few days.. as well as carry on wth life as if nothing is different when my son is about.. not an easy task but one that I have had to get used to over the years. When he is around or my daughter for that matter I make sure that my past is not talked about, I refuse to allow the memories to come forward for fear of upsetting them I guess, in fact they mostly happen when I am either alone or with the one good friend that I know I can trust and know understand because unfortunately she had experienced abuse as well... Hopefully we help each other get through eh!

Friday Again..

Been a bit crazy this week, I still haven't gotten any further with getting my kitchen sorted out so have been having many phone conversations with the suppliers and fitters.. I have now been promised that they will be here on Monday and will stay with me until the job is completed! but I'm not holding my breath.. as it may never happen.

Been to see Jane again today and after a quick catch up chat about whats been going on for me, she got down to business.. I'm not really sure how she did it as she can turn any conversation back to my past and get me talking about things I hadn't really thought about. Today somehow it came up in conversation that I didn't like the dark, locks on doors or closed in spaces, i.e lifts and small rooms! In fact I really hate them unless there is someone else in there that I know. Jane decided to try and find out why this was and eventually we linked it back to my childhood, where I would be made to sit in a dark cupboard under the stairs if I did something wrong, simple things like answering back or not keeping my room space tidy.. meant about half an hour in that cupboard.. that of course was when he wasn't there! if he was I got hit!

But mum prefered the cupboard.. it was always cold in there, cold, damp, dark and locked,and often during the winter months we would be invested with rats from the nearby sewers, they used to come into the houses for food and warmth I guess.. many a time I'd be sat in the dark in there when I would see a set of eyes looking up at me. A Rat was in there with me, I'd scream and generally Mum would come running and let me out again. But occassionally she wouldn't hear me as she'd be upstairs doing other things and I'd have to wait until I heard her coming down again then scream again to get out.

As a child I was small and timid,scared of my own shadow, and shy beyond belief and I hated that cupboard so much.. Jane beleives this is where my fear of closed in spaces comes from and I tend to agree with her. I have to know that I can get out by myself if I can't for what ever reason I panic big time.. its rather strange the way you can link things from the past to your present life! I know that the Abuse I suffered caused me a lot of problems as I grew up, I was shy withdrawn and very quiet, I wouldn't speak up for myself in an arguement and basically let others rule my life, hence a controlling marriage and bad experiences.

However, I'm not that person anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to get control of my life and most of the time now I can stand up for myself and hold my own in any arguement that I find myself involved in. Sometimes, now in fact I am pretty harsh towards the other person, but I will not tollerate bullies at all. Having grown up with one I know the heartache and pain they can cause to a person so will not sit back and watch anyone treat another badly, I find myself having to say something.

Jane asked me if I had been writing anything recently and I had to admit I haven't hardly picked up a pen in weeks, its not that I don't want to just that I feel if I start writing again I'll never stop, there's so much going on in my head right now, having a few flashbacks and bad memories that I think maybe linked to where I now live.. This town is where my childhood abuse finally came to an end! where I finally felt that enough was enough and left as soon as I could.. I only wish I'd had the strength to do it sooner before it had gotten so bad.. maybe then I wouldn't be so messed up now! I went from that house of abuse to a place in London where unfortunately I had further problems before my marriage, but they are in this blog somewhere so I won't write them again here!

I am however determined to work through it all and get my life back to normality, whatever that is! lol I want to be able to go out freely without certain places being 'triggers' for me, I want to be able to see a man who is bald and fat walking down the road without thinking its 'DON'! and being scared out of my mind, I need to be able to put the past behind me and move onwards and upwards in life, seeing as none of it was my fault I need to find a way to cope with the memories withourt getting upset by them all....one day soon maybe eh?

Why is it that NO ONE does what they say they will? I have been let down by so many people lately that I'm beginning to wonder if its me thats in the wrong?

Back in January I ordered a new kitchen for the new house, I explained the situation, in that the kitchen here was useless and would need replacing as soon as possible once i was in, and they said it would not be a problem to fit it once I moved in!

But thats where the problems started, I moved in to the house on 27th April, complete with lots of furniture that people had told me they would have, but now some two weeks later I am getting no where fast. Everyone is changing their minds and using my house as a storage depot, then saying dump it at the last minute?

The parts of the kitchen that were delivered initially meant i have half a kitchen but it still isn't completed, I have NO COOKER, NO SINK, a FRIDGE FREEZER THAT IS JUST FOR DISPLAY! in that its not installed.. so not working, a spare fridge freezer sat in my hallway(because the first one is damaged)., a dishwasher also in the hallway, a shower cubicle in the hallway, and a bathroom suite on the landing upstairs.. one of the bedrooms is so full of spare furniture that everyone wanted but now they don't ... that we can't use the room at all.. oh and we also have a small wall unit in the hallway as well, just to make it more difficult to get in and out of the house.

My family are f*****g useless... they all know that I don't have a working kitchen, but have any of them even offered to have us round for dinner? NOPE!.. We have been living of takeaways for the past two weeks since the kitchen work got started and they took out the cooker.. As I have coeliacs ( Severe Wheat Allergy) this is proving to be very hard for me, I can only eat baked potatoes, chips ect when out as most restaurants use wheat in most of the meals.. so I am becoming ill from lack of eating properly.. just to add more pressure we decided to go away at the weekend and whilst going about 80mph in the fast lane of the motorway I had a bad panic/anxiety attack.. so bad in fact that Paws called the police for help to get us of the motorway.. they answered our call with... 'unless you want an ambulance we can't send out a car'... so much for the caring profession, they didn't give a shit!

I eventually calmed down enough to be able to drive us off.. and we eventually made it to our destination much later than we planned... having had a great weekend we got home last night to face the battle here once again... so far today I have called B&Q four times.. each time they promise to call me back with information about when I will get the fitters back to finish the job they started on tuesday 1st may... but so far no call has come through....

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!! WHY IS EVERYONE TREATING US LIKE THIS? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO THEM EXCEPT ASK THEM TO PROVIDE THE SERVICE I HAVE PAID FOR?

I HATE MY FAMILY AS THEY ARE A USELESS LOAD OF TIME WAISTERS WHO ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TO BE ABLE TO COOK FOR MY FAMILY, IS THAT TO MUCH TO ASK?

Why can't people just do what they promise to do when they promise to do it? I've had enough.. I have contacted the BBC watchdog programme in the hope that maybe they will be able to help me get all this sorted out.. but I won't hold my breath as they probably won't bother either!

Well its been a week since I wrote in here, considering I used to write almost daily? but life has got so hectic recently I don't seem to get much time these days.

Since moving home two weeks ago the stress levels have been very very high, I still don't have a usable kitchen, the company I bought it off who are supposed to be fitting it have offered me £12 per day per adult to eat out as they just are incapable of doing the job they promised to do in the time they promised to do it! Not good enough. I intend to make a very severe complaint to the head office first thing tomorrow, I still do not have a fitted cooker, sink or washer.. so am unable to cook wash up or do any of the usual things you'd do in the kitchen, because of this fact I have already written to the BBC watchdog programme about it, hopefully that alone will make them buck up their ideas and get the job done whilst at the same time prevent this happening to other customers.

At the weekend myself and a very good friend decided to go away, we needed to get out of the house for a while so went off to see some friends up North for a day or two. I knew it was a long drive up there, last time it had taken over 7 hours but the traffic had been bad, this time we hoped it would be calmer on the roads as we left on the saturday instead of friday night.. but things just don't go smoothly for me these days.. about an hour into the journey we stopped for a coffee and everything was fine, the traffic wasn't bad at all we hoped to arrive at our destination around 8pm..

But ! as I said things just don't run smoothly for me these days, after about another hour or so on the road, travelling at 80 mph in the fast lane, I suddenly felt very weird! I was overcome with immense sadness and started crying, I had no control over the tears as they fell down my face, I started to panic feeling that I couldn't and shouldn't be driving at all, I pulled over onto the hardshoulder and cried like I haven't cried in a very long time! Trying to explain what was happening to my friend proved almost impossible, it was so hard to describe how I was feeling.

Now I can only say that I felt very sad and scared, of what I have no idea. My friend suggested we find somewhere to stop for a while that was safe, so I drove off the motorway and stopped in a layby for about a half hour.. after which I started to feel calm again and proceeded to drive on.. but it wasn't to be, once back on the motorway about 5 miles south of Heathrow Airport, so a very busy part of the road, it happened again.. I couldn't stop myself crying, my heart was racing and I felt scared, very scared, more than I have ever before experienced, having not had anything like that happen before I didn't know what to do.. my friend by this time was getting very worried and concerned about what was going on and wanted to call someone to get us some help.. I vetoed all suggestions initially, but in the end thought that if she called the police they may be able to help by at least driving my car off of the motorway.. she called them and after they took all the details they informed us that they could only send a car out if we agreed to an ambulance as well..
But! being as I didn't want to end up in some hospital miles from home not knowing what would happen, I knew I had to calm myself down with my friends help... I got us off the motorway and we found a cafe to get a coffee.. we sat there for over an hour as I calmed down then re-assured my friend that I was ok to carry on... we finally arrived at our destination at 10.30pm much later than we had planned to but at least we arrived safely!

Thinking about it today I beleive that I was simply overwhelmed by everything thats been going on in my life recently, having had a very stressful move and now all the problems with the kitchen and other things as well it just all got a bit to much, once away from the stressful environment it was time for my body to release the pressure, it couldn't have picked a worse place to do it though, driving down a motorway at 80 miles an hour is not the ideal place to have a semi breakdown is it? I intend to chat to my councellor about it on friday when I see her, in fact I may even email her about it sooner.. maybe I will also talk to my doctor? not sure yet!

But I do know that it was horrible and I never want it to happen like that again.. today travelling home again I was concerned that it may happen, I did get the low feeling again a little as I approached the Airport once again but thankfully it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been yesterday.. the only connection I can make now is that it was about that part of the road that all those years ago, I found out what DON was really like, I was just five years old and he and Mum had collected us (my sister brother and I) from the Airport where we'd flown in from Scotland after mum had left our dad some months earlier... I was travel sick and all he did was shout and scream at me, to get my head out of the window, 'don't you dare be sick in the car, else you'll clean it up' were his words... memeories are 'triggered' by all sorts of things but I never thought a road could do it like it did yesterday... maybe that wasn't it, but its the only thing I can think of today as a rational explanation for what happened... I felt out of sorts for the rest of the day yesterday after all the drama, but thankfully today it seems to have passed and I feel more like myself again... Thank God!

The last few days have not been that good for me, first of all it was councelling on friday and after not seeing Jane last week there was a lot of talking to do! She asked me how my move had gone and I told her of all the problems that had happened, briefly of course because she won't let me waste to much time on present problems. I am after all there to talk about my past and get the help I need to try and deal with it all.

I told her about my brother and his urgent need for a kidney transplant and the fact that I am going to get tested as a possible donor for him, she asked me if I knew how much was actually involved in being a donor and I had to admit that I am not all that up on how it all works as yet. She was sad for me that this has happened right now as it really is the last thing I need, but I'd do anything for my brother as I love him! and kinda want him to be around for a long time yet.

She asked me if it felt strange leaving my home town again after all this time, and I had to admit that it actually felt rather good, the last time I left when I was 16yr old my mum and I were running away from 'Abuse' this time it was my choice and I knew where I was going, so it was much nicer than before. I had a new home to go to this time, and it was a home that I had picked for myself and my family, it felt good!

I've been having a few problems this past week, trying to get my new kitchen fitted in the new house, the delivery of the cabinets etc has been appalling to be honest, so I have been making several telephone calls to the suppliers complaining about the so called service that I am getting, to cut a long story short they promised me a delivery of all the missing parts on saturday at some point. So even though we had a busy day planned for saturday I had to re arrange things so that there was someone home all the time. Well things never turn out as I plan them, well not that often anyways and it sure wasn't going right for me yesterday!
I had my friend and daughter down for the weekend so had a house full, in a house where the kitchen is unusable and we have no running water in there, so washing up is very difficult.. anyways at about 10.30am yesterday morning I got a knock at the door and low and behold the delivery had arrived! only problem was that the man making the delivery was double of the man who had Raped me when I was 19yr old! He walked like him, talked like him and looked like him... it made me feel scared all over again.. I was shaking and feeling very vunerable as he came in and out of the house with the 26 items he had to deliver to me.. thankfully my housemate was here as well I wasn't alone! but I felt alone... everytime he came into the kitchen I would move away from him and stay on the other side of the room... towards the end of the delivery he had to get me to sign paperwork so I had to stand next to him! He smelt just like that man all those years ago and I was right back there feeling very scared and wanting him to get out of the house as soon as possible... My friend realised that something was wrong and stayed nearby as much as she could.. when he left I told her that he was a double, but she knew something had been wrong as soon as he arrived as he was very dark skinned, african black just like that guy had been! I had been 'Triggered' by his presence big time.

All day long I had felt unsettled and unhappy, vunerable and scared but apart from my friend who lives with me, I didn't tell anyone else.. we had to go out soon after the delivery and I had to cover up how I felt from everyone here except her. They had all booked to have tattoo's done for my friends 21st birthday and although I wasn't having it done myself I was the driver who took them over to the studio.. We went out for dinner that night to a lovely restaurant nearby for the birthday and I snapped at a waitress there, totally uncalled for and totally out of character for me! all because I had had a black man in my house and had been triggered by him! How unfair is that?

So as a result of my past this poor guy left my house probably thinking I was an extremely strange person.. a poor waitress got her head bitten off by me for no reason.. and I was snappy with everyone around me all day... Getting 'Triggered' is not a very pleasant feeling, it leaves you thinking about the original incident in detail which I did all day and well into the night, even today I still feel a bit vunerable and haven't got any patience with anyone, most of the comments being made for instance by my daughter are winding me up! her attitude her whole stance is making me want her to return home as soon as possible, the sooner she goes the better I will feel as she can make me so angry for the slightest thing.. I have no idea why but when this has happened I really do not have any patience with her at all..

I hate being 'Triggered' it stinks!

As some of you may be aware I moved home last week! It should have been a smooth move, but it wasn't. We had problem after problem on moving day and it hasn't got much better since.

The stress levels I have been under this past month are almost unbeleivable, nothing seems to be going right for me just now. Initially I was glad that the move had finally come about but the removal company were a waste of space and left a lot of things behind which I had to arrange to move myself as they refused to return to the old house and pick them up, then we arrived at the new address to find that the previous owners had left the electric in debt, I had to pay it to get the power put on for us! then I was informed by my neighbour downstairs that there had been a flood between exchange of contract and moving in day! instead of repairing the leak they just turned off the water and left me to find it on my own, which we did on saturday morning when we couldn't flush the loo! It cost me £120 to get a plumber out to fix everything then turn the water back on? My solicitor was contacted to try and get the money back but to date he still hasn't got back to me to let me know whats happened? Why is it that people just can't seem to do their jobs correctly? Is customer servi ce so unimportant in this country these days?

I have fitters in now to replace my kitchen, but the supplier still hasn't delivered all the components needed for them to do the job properly? more incompetance from them and I will be going to watchdog on the BBC to see if maybe they can get this company B&Q to sort their act out!

To top all of that I found out on Sunday that my younger Brother is in desperate need of a kidney transplant else he won't be with us by Christmas! Obviously I am going to be tested in case I am a match for him but If I'm not? what do I do? two of my sisters have basically said that they are not prepared to do it, they won't even get tested? SO they're happy to let our brother die not knowing if they themselves could have saved him? It makes me so mad, and their reasons for the decision? One has back problems... whoopee dooo so do I, the other is anaemic as if that should stop her! so just because they are scared they refuse up front! It is making me sooooooo angry right now that I really don't care if I never see either of them again for as long as I live!

To me the thought of surgery is terrifying, but for him I will do it if I can, as it will mean he won't die! I don't want him to die he's only 46yr old.. he has a son of 24yrs who is also on the transplant list for an urgent kidney.. but if I can help either one I will feel at least that I tried.. my sisters on the otherhand should and will feel useless, I'd understand if they had the tests and were proved unsuitable then at least they would know they tried, but this way is the cowards way! so Mags and Dot... grow up, get a life and do what you can to save our brother please! I beg you! the most likely match is generally within the family so he is relying on us first to hopefully be able to help.. I will willingly give him one of my kidneys if he wants it and so should you!...

I can't beleive the selfishness of you both, I've put small details of my brothers dilema on line and have had complete strangers offering to be tested to save him if I'm not suitable myself so why they can't do it I really don't know!.. so angry right now!