Friday Again..

Been a bit crazy this week, I still haven't gotten any further with getting my kitchen sorted out so have been having many phone conversations with the suppliers and fitters.. I have now been promised that they will be here on Monday and will stay with me until the job is completed! but I'm not holding my breath.. as it may never happen.

Been to see Jane again today and after a quick catch up chat about whats been going on for me, she got down to business.. I'm not really sure how she did it as she can turn any conversation back to my past and get me talking about things I hadn't really thought about. Today somehow it came up in conversation that I didn't like the dark, locks on doors or closed in spaces, i.e lifts and small rooms! In fact I really hate them unless there is someone else in there that I know. Jane decided to try and find out why this was and eventually we linked it back to my childhood, where I would be made to sit in a dark cupboard under the stairs if I did something wrong, simple things like answering back or not keeping my room space tidy.. meant about half an hour in that cupboard.. that of course was when he wasn't there! if he was I got hit!

But mum prefered the cupboard.. it was always cold in there, cold, damp, dark and locked,and often during the winter months we would be invested with rats from the nearby sewers, they used to come into the houses for food and warmth I guess.. many a time I'd be sat in the dark in there when I would see a set of eyes looking up at me. A Rat was in there with me, I'd scream and generally Mum would come running and let me out again. But occassionally she wouldn't hear me as she'd be upstairs doing other things and I'd have to wait until I heard her coming down again then scream again to get out.

As a child I was small and timid,scared of my own shadow, and shy beyond belief and I hated that cupboard so much.. Jane beleives this is where my fear of closed in spaces comes from and I tend to agree with her. I have to know that I can get out by myself if I can't for what ever reason I panic big time.. its rather strange the way you can link things from the past to your present life! I know that the Abuse I suffered caused me a lot of problems as I grew up, I was shy withdrawn and very quiet, I wouldn't speak up for myself in an arguement and basically let others rule my life, hence a controlling marriage and bad experiences.

However, I'm not that person anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to get control of my life and most of the time now I can stand up for myself and hold my own in any arguement that I find myself involved in. Sometimes, now in fact I am pretty harsh towards the other person, but I will not tollerate bullies at all. Having grown up with one I know the heartache and pain they can cause to a person so will not sit back and watch anyone treat another badly, I find myself having to say something.

Jane asked me if I had been writing anything recently and I had to admit I haven't hardly picked up a pen in weeks, its not that I don't want to just that I feel if I start writing again I'll never stop, there's so much going on in my head right now, having a few flashbacks and bad memories that I think maybe linked to where I now live.. This town is where my childhood abuse finally came to an end! where I finally felt that enough was enough and left as soon as I could.. I only wish I'd had the strength to do it sooner before it had gotten so bad.. maybe then I wouldn't be so messed up now! I went from that house of abuse to a place in London where unfortunately I had further problems before my marriage, but they are in this blog somewhere so I won't write them again here!

I am however determined to work through it all and get my life back to normality, whatever that is! lol I want to be able to go out freely without certain places being 'triggers' for me, I want to be able to see a man who is bald and fat walking down the road without thinking its 'DON'! and being scared out of my mind, I need to be able to put the past behind me and move onwards and upwards in life, seeing as none of it was my fault I need to find a way to cope with the memories withourt getting upset by them all....one day soon maybe eh?