The last few days have not been that good for me, first of all it was councelling on friday and after not seeing Jane last week there was a lot of talking to do! She asked me how my move had gone and I told her of all the problems that had happened, briefly of course because she won't let me waste to much time on present problems. I am after all there to talk about my past and get the help I need to try and deal with it all.

I told her about my brother and his urgent need for a kidney transplant and the fact that I am going to get tested as a possible donor for him, she asked me if I knew how much was actually involved in being a donor and I had to admit that I am not all that up on how it all works as yet. She was sad for me that this has happened right now as it really is the last thing I need, but I'd do anything for my brother as I love him! and kinda want him to be around for a long time yet.

She asked me if it felt strange leaving my home town again after all this time, and I had to admit that it actually felt rather good, the last time I left when I was 16yr old my mum and I were running away from 'Abuse' this time it was my choice and I knew where I was going, so it was much nicer than before. I had a new home to go to this time, and it was a home that I had picked for myself and my family, it felt good!

I've been having a few problems this past week, trying to get my new kitchen fitted in the new house, the delivery of the cabinets etc has been appalling to be honest, so I have been making several telephone calls to the suppliers complaining about the so called service that I am getting, to cut a long story short they promised me a delivery of all the missing parts on saturday at some point. So even though we had a busy day planned for saturday I had to re arrange things so that there was someone home all the time. Well things never turn out as I plan them, well not that often anyways and it sure wasn't going right for me yesterday!
I had my friend and daughter down for the weekend so had a house full, in a house where the kitchen is unusable and we have no running water in there, so washing up is very difficult.. anyways at about 10.30am yesterday morning I got a knock at the door and low and behold the delivery had arrived! only problem was that the man making the delivery was double of the man who had Raped me when I was 19yr old! He walked like him, talked like him and looked like him... it made me feel scared all over again.. I was shaking and feeling very vunerable as he came in and out of the house with the 26 items he had to deliver to me.. thankfully my housemate was here as well I wasn't alone! but I felt alone... everytime he came into the kitchen I would move away from him and stay on the other side of the room... towards the end of the delivery he had to get me to sign paperwork so I had to stand next to him! He smelt just like that man all those years ago and I was right back there feeling very scared and wanting him to get out of the house as soon as possible... My friend realised that something was wrong and stayed nearby as much as she could.. when he left I told her that he was a double, but she knew something had been wrong as soon as he arrived as he was very dark skinned, african black just like that guy had been! I had been 'Triggered' by his presence big time.

All day long I had felt unsettled and unhappy, vunerable and scared but apart from my friend who lives with me, I didn't tell anyone else.. we had to go out soon after the delivery and I had to cover up how I felt from everyone here except her. They had all booked to have tattoo's done for my friends 21st birthday and although I wasn't having it done myself I was the driver who took them over to the studio.. We went out for dinner that night to a lovely restaurant nearby for the birthday and I snapped at a waitress there, totally uncalled for and totally out of character for me! all because I had had a black man in my house and had been triggered by him! How unfair is that?

So as a result of my past this poor guy left my house probably thinking I was an extremely strange person.. a poor waitress got her head bitten off by me for no reason.. and I was snappy with everyone around me all day... Getting 'Triggered' is not a very pleasant feeling, it leaves you thinking about the original incident in detail which I did all day and well into the night, even today I still feel a bit vunerable and haven't got any patience with anyone, most of the comments being made for instance by my daughter are winding me up! her attitude her whole stance is making me want her to return home as soon as possible, the sooner she goes the better I will feel as she can make me so angry for the slightest thing.. I have no idea why but when this has happened I really do not have any patience with her at all..

I hate being 'Triggered' it stinks!