Well its been a week since I wrote in here, considering I used to write almost daily? but life has got so hectic recently I don't seem to get much time these days.

Since moving home two weeks ago the stress levels have been very very high, I still don't have a usable kitchen, the company I bought it off who are supposed to be fitting it have offered me £12 per day per adult to eat out as they just are incapable of doing the job they promised to do in the time they promised to do it! Not good enough. I intend to make a very severe complaint to the head office first thing tomorrow, I still do not have a fitted cooker, sink or washer.. so am unable to cook wash up or do any of the usual things you'd do in the kitchen, because of this fact I have already written to the BBC watchdog programme about it, hopefully that alone will make them buck up their ideas and get the job done whilst at the same time prevent this happening to other customers.

At the weekend myself and a very good friend decided to go away, we needed to get out of the house for a while so went off to see some friends up North for a day or two. I knew it was a long drive up there, last time it had taken over 7 hours but the traffic had been bad, this time we hoped it would be calmer on the roads as we left on the saturday instead of friday night.. but things just don't go smoothly for me these days.. about an hour into the journey we stopped for a coffee and everything was fine, the traffic wasn't bad at all we hoped to arrive at our destination around 8pm..

But ! as I said things just don't run smoothly for me these days, after about another hour or so on the road, travelling at 80 mph in the fast lane, I suddenly felt very weird! I was overcome with immense sadness and started crying, I had no control over the tears as they fell down my face, I started to panic feeling that I couldn't and shouldn't be driving at all, I pulled over onto the hardshoulder and cried like I haven't cried in a very long time! Trying to explain what was happening to my friend proved almost impossible, it was so hard to describe how I was feeling.

Now I can only say that I felt very sad and scared, of what I have no idea. My friend suggested we find somewhere to stop for a while that was safe, so I drove off the motorway and stopped in a layby for about a half hour.. after which I started to feel calm again and proceeded to drive on.. but it wasn't to be, once back on the motorway about 5 miles south of Heathrow Airport, so a very busy part of the road, it happened again.. I couldn't stop myself crying, my heart was racing and I felt scared, very scared, more than I have ever before experienced, having not had anything like that happen before I didn't know what to do.. my friend by this time was getting very worried and concerned about what was going on and wanted to call someone to get us some help.. I vetoed all suggestions initially, but in the end thought that if she called the police they may be able to help by at least driving my car off of the motorway.. she called them and after they took all the details they informed us that they could only send a car out if we agreed to an ambulance as well..
But! being as I didn't want to end up in some hospital miles from home not knowing what would happen, I knew I had to calm myself down with my friends help... I got us off the motorway and we found a cafe to get a coffee.. we sat there for over an hour as I calmed down then re-assured my friend that I was ok to carry on... we finally arrived at our destination at 10.30pm much later than we had planned to but at least we arrived safely!

Thinking about it today I beleive that I was simply overwhelmed by everything thats been going on in my life recently, having had a very stressful move and now all the problems with the kitchen and other things as well it just all got a bit to much, once away from the stressful environment it was time for my body to release the pressure, it couldn't have picked a worse place to do it though, driving down a motorway at 80 miles an hour is not the ideal place to have a semi breakdown is it? I intend to chat to my councellor about it on friday when I see her, in fact I may even email her about it sooner.. maybe I will also talk to my doctor? not sure yet!

But I do know that it was horrible and I never want it to happen like that again.. today travelling home again I was concerned that it may happen, I did get the low feeling again a little as I approached the Airport once again but thankfully it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been yesterday.. the only connection I can make now is that it was about that part of the road that all those years ago, I found out what DON was really like, I was just five years old and he and Mum had collected us (my sister brother and I) from the Airport where we'd flown in from Scotland after mum had left our dad some months earlier... I was travel sick and all he did was shout and scream at me, to get my head out of the window, 'don't you dare be sick in the car, else you'll clean it up' were his words... memeories are 'triggered' by all sorts of things but I never thought a road could do it like it did yesterday... maybe that wasn't it, but its the only thing I can think of today as a rational explanation for what happened... I felt out of sorts for the rest of the day yesterday after all the drama, but thankfully today it seems to have passed and I feel more like myself again... Thank God!