Another week has passed since my last therapy session, and so much has happened in the gap..
I've been in here once or twice in the middle of the week blogging about whats been going on for me.. A week or so back I placed a poem up here about TV shows that 'Trigger' Survivors... I had watched a show where they brought on a convicted paedophile and let him speak.. it was very upsetting to watch and as a result I wrote a poem about it..

Well, that show called me yesterday and asked me if I would be prepared to go live on TV and speak about my past? initially I was scared, shocked and in fact horrified at the idea. But now I've had time to think about it I have decided to do it! To get the chance to speak up on behalf of all those who for whatever reason can't talk about it has to be a good thing yeah?
The only bit that could be hard is that they asked if I wanted my step-father to be there, caught of balance I said yes, it would be good for me to confront him.. now I'm not so sure!

I told my therapist about it this morning and she also agreed that it could be a good thing for me to do, although very hard.. She said that where by in the past the Abuse controlled my life, my life now controls the Abuse!.. it is shrinking in its power over me and as I deal with various bits of it it loses the power.. Don't get me wrong I still get upset frequently and still struggle often but not as much as I used to.. Jane said that the abuse could have been much worse than it was in that he could have sexually abused me from the age of six like he did my sister! What the hell! How the fuck does she know what its like? she's been one of the lucky ones in that she has lived a normal life like most people reading this blog... she has no idea of the pain it causes to us all, no idea what its like to have flashbacks or nightmares, where you see it happening again and again, she really doesn't have a fucking clue! I think its time for me to change my Therapist.. because I'm going no where fast with this one. She often says to me, 'we'll talk about that next week' but we never do! she once said she would work her way through my book of poems and discuss each one at a time, working out why I wrote it and what it meant to me, but guess what .... we never did.... So my feelings now are that she is a waste of my time, effort and money! She's not really helping to get me talking about things because as soon as I start to get upset in any way she changes the subject to something easier. Its like she can't handle it!..

I am so angry right now that I can't even write about other things we talked over, this has kinda got into my head and I can't let it go... I'll try to write more later on..

Ok.. I've been trying to write this all morning, but the words just don't seem to be there just now.
All I can say is that I feel really down at the moment, not sure quite why but guess its because of what I'm trying to do. i.e. heal from the childhood abuse and from what happened to me throughout my life until a few years ago when I decided enough was enough.

I'm not exactly getting new memories, confused ones yes! but new? I don't think so, its like two or three events getting muddled into one and I just don't know how to deal with it. Hence its making me confused and low in mood and wanting to isolate myself from the world. I just had to pop over the shops to get a few things and couldn't wait to get back to the safety of home! It felt as though everyone was looking at me, even though I doubt they were. So I was back indoors pretty quickly in fact it took me just 20 minutes to get the things I needed and get back home again..

These feelings come and go recently, some days I can be fine and in a normal mood, whatever normal is these days but others I'm so low that I could just sit and cry.. but won't allow myself to! I don't cry in front of many people, in fact only about three have seen me cry and one of them was my GP. His reaction was to tell me I was suffering from anxiety! well hello... what the hell does he expect? He's never been where I have so I guess he just doesn't understand eh! He wasn't exactly helpful at the time either, but whats new with doctors? A friend of mine recently had to see a doctor and when she told him of the past she was dealing with she got told 'it's in the past, forget it and move on!' what the hell? do these so called doctors not get any training about how to treat an Abuse Survivor? The one thing you should NEVER tell them, is to forget it, don't you think if we could we would! It's something that will haunt us for the rest of our lives as we try to work out how anyone could do those things to a child/adult.. so to be told to forget is just an insult in my book.. We wish we could!

Meanwhile I try to understand whats going on with me, what does all the rubbish in my head mean to me? How did it affect me as a child? and why is it coming to me now? I can recall conversations with my mother at the dinner table, I can now envisage her sitting there telling me 'to eat up' but I am crying, why I don't know...I can't see what it is she is asking me to eat, but I know I don't want it... so the tears flow.. he's not there this time so Mum gets up... then I come to... so I don't know what happens next...

Can't explain how I feel.... the words just aren't there....

It's been one hell of a hard week this last 7 days, so much has been going on that its hard to know where to start!
Ok .. so monday saw that TV show, and the feelings it brought up have taken a while to calm down again, I wrote the poem posted on here the day after to try and get some of it out but it didn'thelp much.

As for families! well who needs them? Do I? with the way they treat me recently I am begining to wonder if its all worth it. Anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that I had a big arguement with one sister two weeks ago over her lying to me! I can not tolerate liars, its one of the biggest triggers going for me, anyways as I suspected on tuesday morning I got a knock at the door, one of my other sisters was stood there apparently here to sort things out! What the hell... its none of her business for starters, but she is the so called family peace maker.. self appointed at that! she tried to tell me that I'd taken it all wrong and it was a big misunderstanding, but my sister I had the arguement with won't speak to me again until I apologise? Well she is in for a damned long wait as its not going to happen, I did nothing wrong she was the one who lied and is now trying to justify it by telling further lies to everyone else.. she can get stuffed! On top of that they went to see my other sister later that day and told her that I ruined my nieces life by letting her join the support group I co run on msn for survivors, just because the police did not take her case forward to court for whatever reason, I am being blamed! I can truely say that I hate them both right now and I don't say I hate people very often. My niece is struggling but not because of the group, she gets more support there than she gets from her own family. I would do anything for this particular niece as it was me she trusted to tell her story to first, I will stand by her and help in any way I can.


Today is friday and once again I had therapy with Jane, we briefly discussed the issues above and she agreed with me that I should not back down this time, she said its time for me to let them know that I will not be pushed around or controlled by them anymore. I know its going to be tough but it has to be them who back down this time. I told jane about my sister Marie, she joined our support group a few months ago and is starting to post her story on there, I found it very hard to read the first thing she wrote as she was so open about what she went through, you see when she was just 6yrs old our step father used to take her out in his car and rape her! she endured that for many years, but would run away often, Jane asked me what I remember of that time in our life, and I told her that I can clearly remember Marie being doubled up on the sofa screaming in pain, and mum calling out the doctor, Jane asked what the doctor said and I told her usually they blamed it on constipation! but now we know it wasn't that, it was because of what that bastard was doing to her when he took her out!..
My sister also posted up the fact that when she was just 14yr old she went to the cinema in a neighbouring town, unfortunately she missed the last bus home, my other sister who had gone with her caught the bus and never went back! She told our Mum what had happened and apparently her and our step dad went over in the car to try and find her, but she was no where to be seen, we now know that unfortunately she was picked up by some guys, to this day we do not know who, and taken somewhere, we didn't see her again for weeks, during that time she was gang raped several times by these people... eventually they let her go and she was found by the police who brought her home, she had no idea where she'd been, who she'd been with or even who she was! but her reward for coming home! she was beaten? By the most callous step father anyone could wish for, now my sister wants me to tell her the state she was in when she got back, as no one has ever told her! thing is she was a mess naturally, even though I was just 11 yr old at the time I can recall quite clearly what she looked like. Her beautiful long black hair had been cut off to her head, it was all matted together and dirty, she was covered in cigarette burns, and cuts from a razor all over her body and was so traumatised that she hardly spoke to us! But that made little difference, the police admitted her to a psychiatric hospital for just 3 weeks to get her the help, but then expected her to get on with life and forget it! As if its that easy to forget. She then had to endure the rapes done to her by our step father again until she eventually ran away again at age 16 or so.. thats when his attentions turned to me! he was no longer able to abuse her, and as I was the youngest one there at the time he obviously thought I would be easiest to control, and my god was he right! I kept quiet about what he did to me until I was about 27yr old, when things started coming back to me, I told my then husband and even called child line for help.. but I didn't report it to police until I was 31yr old and mum had left him! Jane advised me today NOT to tell marie all the details of her return, as she has been having flashbacks and hasn't slept since she wrote the things down last friday and saturday... we don't want to re traumatise her. She used to self harm as a way of coping with it all and has now stopped we don't want it all to start again!.. so this afternoon when I go to see her all I will tell her is that her clothes were dirty, she was dirty and her hair had been cut! that I think will be enough for her to handle right now..
Jane asked me what my flashbacks are about these days and I told her they vary but mostly about when I was 19yr old... I also told her that I apparently sometimes become 'little kate' in the night, where I talk as if I am a child, I have no knowledge of this and no memory of it in the morning but my friend has told me that she often can have a conversation with me when this happens? All in all been a hard week, I just hope the family don't cause me any more grief this weekend!

Just wrote this Poems... so angry after todays show!

Remember Mine!

TV shows that 'Trigger' feelings,
Remind us all, we're human beings.
Sit here crying, as they talk,
Wanting my feelings, to take a walk!
The Paedophile spoke, with NO remorse,
He believed he'd changed, by doing a course?
But, how could he know, the pain we feel?
To him, it's just, so surreal.
He claimed he'd been a victim too,
That gave him reason, for what he did do?
We all know, that's no excuse,
Try to explain, but what's the use?
He claims he'll never re-offend,
His words drove me round the bend.
He'll never know the sorrow or pain,
I know in my heart, he'll cause it again!
So many lives ruined, by his kind,
Their ears are closed, their eyes are blind!
They do not hear those pitiful cries,
Or see tears running freely, from victims eyes.
They try so hard, to explain to us all,
As the audience shout, 'Your Scum' and call.
'You'll never change, you can't be cured'!
So Tag them all, let us rest assured.
Let children lie safely in their sleep,
Let the innocence of youth, them all to keep.
Let victims be heard, get them aid,
Don't make them suffer more, they've overpaid!
We've paid the price, THEY DID THE CRIME,
I know it well, I remember mine.

Kate

I have just spent this morning watching a TV show in which a convicted paedophile tried to convince us all that he was CURED! As if thats possible? On Jeremy Kyle this Morning on ITV1 in the UK this man who's identity was hidden admitted that he had raped his own 6yr old daughter? He then went on to meet a woman with a 4yr old child, and she gave up that child into care to be with him? After a while they had a child of thier own which thankfully was taken into care at birth.

This man claimed that after doing a few courses in prison he would never hurt a child again? Yet admitted also sleeping with 2 14yr olds? It made me so mad listening to him, he claimed he had put himself in his victims shoes in prison by acting the part? how the fuck would he know what its like unless he's been there himself. He said he was a victim of violence as a child and that he grew up thinking it was normal? So basicaly saying that anyone abused as a child could grow up to be a paedophile? I don't think so most of the people that I know who have been there are so against hurting children or anyone else as we know the pain we suffer everyday because of what happened to us! It was so triggering to watch that I admit I cried, as I heard two very brave women tell what happened to them and have the chance to ask him why he did what he did, they rightly called him the scum of the earth and I support them in that. At the end of the show they gave a number out for victims to get support and claimed that no amount of taggin surveilance or monotoring is to much for this type of person.. I agree wholeheartedly with that, my step father served a total of 4yrs in prison for the 11 years of hell he put me through, he also put my sister through 10 yrs of hell raping her frequently whenever he felt the urge! DID HE GET A FAIR PUNISHEMENT? Did he hell! we get a lifetime of shit nightmares, flashbacks and messed up lives and he gets out after just 4yrs to get on with his life? he isn't even on the sex offenders register because he was released before it was set up! so he's free to go wherever he wants to and do whatever he wants with no reprisals or recourse... it makes me mad!!

When will the Authorities actually listen to the victims of this horrendous crime and do something for them? Why are all the available funds put into re habilitating them? What about some help and support for the victims/ survivors? Its about time we all complained to get things changed!

Friday once more!

This week has dragged by and been one of the hardest I've had in a while, in between nightmares and flashbacks its been pretty much get over the night before then it starts all over again when I go to sleep at night! Its left me wanting to isolate myself and stay away from people, It's made me snappy with those around me who just want to be there for me and I hate it! It's horrible feeling like this all the time!
I had a chat with an online friend the other night and it left me in tears as I was honest with her about how I felt, now I feel as though I shouldn't have said anything at all because the last thing I want is pity.. I wrote a poem last night for the first time in months to try and explain how I was feeling.. didn't do to well with it really.. but here it is;

How I feel..

Flashbacks coming thick and fast,

Painful memories from the past.

Sensations, touches I can feel,

Every little bit, seems so real!

Why is the pain inside so deep?

Why do these horrible memories I keep?

How can I make them a thing of the past?

Why for so many years do they last?

Some tell me it helps to talk them through,

I've tried that often, I'm telling you.

But all it does, is make me cry,

No matter just how much I try.

but! the memories come, the pain is real,

I know this now, because its how I feel!.

Not a brilliant description of what its like, but the only way I can say it right now. It all feels so new at the moment that its almost like it just happened and I am premenantly back there, living it all....

I had Therapy today and tried to explain to Jane what was going on for me, Not sure that I did very well though, I told her about wednesday night, where I had nightmares and flashbacks all through the night, my friend told me in the morning that I called out to my sisters for help! but as usual no one came! Story of my life eh!

I know I have a few really good friends who would do almost anything to help me through this tough patch, but for some reason I can't seem to let them in. Finding the words to describe how I feel day to day is just so hard that I tend to just ignore my feelings and try to block it out.. usually by trying to be there for others who need to talk. Not a great idea, I know that now, and Jane confirmed it to me today. She actually admitted that she was getting worried about me? worried that I maybe trying to help others to much hence, ignore my own pain and do myself harm in some way! She has suggested that I try to talk things through more and let someone help me for a change, she beleives that I have worn my mask far to long and its time to drop it for my own good.....

I've never been told that before by anyone? She told me that from next week we will be talking in more detail about some of the things I have been through, right from the start of it all when I was just 5yr old until we get to now! So looks as though therapy could get tough from here on in!

As if its not been tough enough already, we have had a few hard sessions where I have told her various things about what happened but without to much detail.. Now it looks as though detail is what she wants me to try and tell! Not sure if I can but I know I have to try for my own good..

We talked briefly about the news article this week whereby the Government are going to offer chemical castration to repeat phaedophiles.. Personally I beleive it shouldbe compulsory and not optional as the Government are saying ... after all they don't give the children a choice when they rape and abuse them do they? Jane said she felt that I would be happy if all paedophiles where killed! I said no... but you can't treat them as they really do beleive that they do nothing wrong, so something needs to be done to protect the innocent children! and voluntary castration is NOT ENOUGH! It needs to be a condition of their release from prison that they have it done else they don't get released... At least that way all the children would be safer from repeat offenders.. Jane asked me if I'd like to see my abusers castrated? Well hell yeah! course I would and I'd much prefer it to be natural castration instead of chemical.. and I'd willingly carry out the procedure as would many other victims that I know....

For people who have not been sexually abused it is so hard for them to understand the pain and nightmares that we suffer, it doesn't just go away when the abuser is sentenced or caught, it is a lifetime condition that we have to learn to deal with, some say you can get over it? I guess they've not experienced it then? Because from what I can see and from the people that I talk to who have been there they all say the same, you never forget, you just have to learn how to live with it all, and that includes the nightmares, the flashbacks, the painful memories and the hurt.. One day soon maybe I will be a step further on my way but for the time being I am stuck bang smack in the middle of it all... wishing and praying that it would leave me alone to get a good nights sleep .. wishing I didn't have the memories and wishing that I didn't get triggered just by seeing an overweight man walking down the road, or by seeing a black man walking by.. hearing a certain song, smelling a certain smell, hearing the seagulls flying by.. all things that everyone who hasn't been there can take for granted as being usual.. but for me these things and many more just mean more pain and heartache...

Sorry can't write anymore ...............

I missed coming in here yesterday, was a strange day! First of all I have had a big row with some family members this past week, which has left me feeling very upset and disappointed ever since. The one thing that I can't tollerate is liars, especially when there is no need to lie in the first place, but thats what they did to me, over something stupid at that! all I ever ask is that people be honest with me it saves a lot of pain and upset all round.

I had my usual therapy session yesterday as well, and as we talked I mentioned the lies, and how it had upset me, we worked out that this is how my sisters had coped in the past, they lied to get out of things so much that it has almost become a way of life to them so much so that they don't even realise how much it hurts the person they do it to! We then started talking about allergies? and I mentioned my coeliacs and penicillin allergies, Jane asked me what happened if I had penicillin and I told her about the time when I was about 6yr old where I had been given it to fight a gland infection, it basically gave me sever blood poisoning and I ended up in hospital for about three months, initially they had thought that it was Scarlet Fever, so put me in Isolation but after doing tests they learnt that it was in fact the Penicillin that had caused the problem. Whilst in hospital I was fed via a drip and kept semi-consious for the first two months as they did a complete blood transfusion to get the stuff out of my system, this meant that my stomach shrunk as I wasn't eating real food!

I can remember my Mum visisting me everyday during that time, bringing me gifts of pencils and colouring books and such to keep me busy, magazines to read and dolls. The third month was spent trying to get me back onto proper food again in preparation to go home, they couldn't send me home until I could tolerate real food once more.. I beleive this is roughly the time that he 'Don' started force feeding me, as I didn't have much of an appetite after such a long time without eating.. Once home he would say that I needed to eat much more than I could actually manage, so would force me, he'd hold my nose closed so that I had to open my mouth to breath and when I did he would force a fork full of food in! regularly I'd end up choking and gagging as I tried to eat what he had given me, but it caused so many problems for me, that affect me even today. I know that food is essential and stuff, but I eat only what I feel I need to, there is very little pleasure in food for me because of this treatment! If I dared to cry when he was doing this he would hit me! he was such a vicious man hitting a child when in reality that child had done nothing wrong other than be sick! Just goes to show what sort of person he was I guess..
Jane asked me to try and explain how it felt when he did that to me and I had to say that it was horrible, I remember the feeling of fear everytime I heard Mum call us down for dinner, as I knew it would most likely mean another session of him force feeding me.. mealtimes became a chore not a pleasure and I didn't care if I had to miss them, sometimes I'd deliberately miss behave so that I would be sent to bed without dinner just so that I didn't have to endure it.
Jane asked me if my sisters had been supportive at the time this was all going on, and I had no choice but to say no they hadn't! but looking back they couldn't really as if they had tried he'd have just hit them as well, so they were made to sit and watch what he did without being able to do anything to stop him. hence maybe why they are the way they are today? no excuse I know as they are now adults but its what they got used to I guess, learned behaviours? hard to break.. leave me to deal with things myself to save themselves getting hurt?

Last night as I lay down to sleep, I was seeing him standing over me, just like he used to do when I was a child.. fork in hand and holding my nose closed, as you may guess this caused me to have a really bad night with memories coming up quite strongly into the early hours of this morning. my friend who lives with me, told me just now that at some point I called out to one of my sisters to 'help me' but no one came, as is the case today! when I need help from them they are never there for me, yet if they need my help they expect me to jump straight away, dropping whatever I'm doing and be there in an instant! Well no more! after the way they have treated me recently they can jump themselves, I'm not going to let them hurt me anymore I've had enough pain to last me a lifetime.... If they want help in the future they will have to find some other sucker to do it for them, as I won't be around to do it!...

Hoping that the weekend turns out to be better than the last few days have been?

Why do families have to be so damned nasty? I recently moved home and need a few little jobs doing to make life more comfortable here, my brother-in-law said he would happily do them for me! but now 5 weeks later they are still not done? he has made arrangements several times to come over and help us out, but today takes the biscuit!

We'd arranged for him to come over this evening after work to fit a loft ladder for me so that I could put things up there, its about 10feet high so no way can anyone reach without the ladder! I bought the ladder myself weeks ago .. so its notlike I'm expecting him to pay anything out, I had an appointment this afternoon and worried I may be a bit late home I called my sister at 2pm and told her! she was fine saying we'll see you later tonight.. I tried to call when on the way home again, but neither her nor her husband answered their phones? which is unusual for them.. anyways I got a text message from her at 6.38pm saying 'sorry he has his head under the back of my washing machine trying to fix the leak I have, my kitchen is flooded' I know this is a complete and utter lie as I had called the house just 10 minutes earlier and spoken to her 29yr old son, who told me no one was home!

I then called my sister and left her a message saying I did not appreciate being lied to, why not just be honest with me? She has not replied, So I sent her a text asking her to call me! still nothing, neither her nor her husband are answering their phones to me? WHY NOT BE HONEST! WHY LIE TO ME?

They both know that I have been lied to most of my life and its a big 'trigger' for me, so why do they do it? I'm now sat here feeling like shit! What the hell have I done to them to deserve this treatment? I called my other sister who lives just down the road, she wasn't home so I called her mobile and she claims she doesn't know where the other one is? Rubbish I heard her in the background... they were out having dinner? What is it with some people that they just do not know how to tell the truth! If it hit them between the eyes they wouldn't do it, If I treated them like this they wouldn't stand for it, so why should I? They can get stuffed the pair of them.. I've had enough of being walked over, all my life people have taken the piss out of me, well no more! I'm not taking it from them or anyone else.... I have rights to, and deserve my own family at least to be honest with me, ok if the husband had had a hard day and was to tired why not just say so? why do they feel the need to lie to me? It Makes me sick!!!!

Today I am an emotional wreck!

I have spent many hours recently crying.. I am so worried about my brother! he is in need of a kidney transplant urgently, else he could be gone by christmas.. I am getting myself tested in the hope that I am a suitable donor for him, but one of my other sisters who could be a match is so far refusing!

I'm having great difficulty understanding how she can be so selfish? I know she is scared so am I, but I'm willing to put my fears to one side to save him! I know the whole process is tiresome and tedious, but if at the end of it I can save a life! My brothers life at that, then I beleive it is worth it.. I will no doubt battle with my own demons and thoughts a lot over the next few weeks as I try to come to terms with what is happening.. its not enough that he was also abused as a child along with the rest of my siblings and me.. he has to go through this as well! How much pain and heartache can a person be expected to live through? life can be so unfair at times..

Today was also therapy day, and the topic was a continuation of last week, where we chatted about my rape at the age of 19yr. I'd told a lot of detail about it last week and today we carried on from where we'd stopped! Jane asked me how I had managed to cover it up and not tell anyone? I was getting married just three weeks later and convinced myself that if I told my husband to be, he would cancel the wedding.. seeing me as dirty, used goods etc.. even though I beleived he loved me and most likely wouldn't have reacted that way it was all that went through my head!

So I kept quiet and never told anyone what really happened that day.. back in August 1979. It's only in the past few years that I have been able to admit even to myself what had happened.. I burried it so deep inside my brain and wouldn't allow myself to think about it, that I was able to get along with my life as though it hadn't happened at all.

Until suddenly a few years ago, everything from my childhood started to come back to me, in graffic detail I started to talk about things for the first time and spoke to someone on line who had been there as well. She made me realise that I'd done nothing wrong, it wasn't my fault that all those things had happened, she helped me to get my story out by encouraging me to write, talk and discuss what I had been through! In time I found myself talking quite openly with her about the different things I'd experienced as I grew up, I even managed to talk about some of the details and how it had made me feel! The flashbacks started with avengeance as I recalled each event, the nightmares and bad dreams, the feelings I had experienced at the time and the feelings that I have about things these days.

Feelings about it all today differ greatly to how it was as a child as I am more capable of understanding that I wasn't in the wrong, the people who abused me where and are! Whereas back when it was all happening I always beleived that it was down to me, I was such a bad child that I deserved everything they did! BUT! No child is that bad, that they deserve to be abused! But I didn't know that back then..

So as a result of my innocence I suffered more, because;

1)I was to scared to tell!
2)To ashamed to say that I'd been a bad child,
3)To embarrassed to tell anyone what my step father was doing to me each time we were alone!

But! now that Shame, embarrassement and fear have left me! I no longer feel that I can't say what happened because I know that 'I DID NOTHING WRONG'

One day I hope that all children will have a safe place to tell someone if they are going through similar things, a place where they can feel safe to tell their truth and be believed! that is half the battle, being believed.. and I am thankful for my on line-friends who listen to me when I tell 'my truth'!

Without them in my life I doubt I'd be as far into my healing from it all as I am today, they encouraged me to seek help when I needed it, have supported me through the good and bad times and been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on! So I want to say something to them today!

YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE AND I FOR ONE AM GLAD TO HAVE YOU AS PART OF MY LIFE! THANKYOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FOR ME AND FOR THE OTHERS THAT I KNOW YOU ASLO HELP...THE WORLD NEEDS MANY MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU! THANKYOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!