I missed coming in here yesterday, was a strange day! First of all I have had a big row with some family members this past week, which has left me feeling very upset and disappointed ever since. The one thing that I can't tollerate is liars, especially when there is no need to lie in the first place, but thats what they did to me, over something stupid at that! all I ever ask is that people be honest with me it saves a lot of pain and upset all round.

I had my usual therapy session yesterday as well, and as we talked I mentioned the lies, and how it had upset me, we worked out that this is how my sisters had coped in the past, they lied to get out of things so much that it has almost become a way of life to them so much so that they don't even realise how much it hurts the person they do it to! We then started talking about allergies? and I mentioned my coeliacs and penicillin allergies, Jane asked me what happened if I had penicillin and I told her about the time when I was about 6yr old where I had been given it to fight a gland infection, it basically gave me sever blood poisoning and I ended up in hospital for about three months, initially they had thought that it was Scarlet Fever, so put me in Isolation but after doing tests they learnt that it was in fact the Penicillin that had caused the problem. Whilst in hospital I was fed via a drip and kept semi-consious for the first two months as they did a complete blood transfusion to get the stuff out of my system, this meant that my stomach shrunk as I wasn't eating real food!

I can remember my Mum visisting me everyday during that time, bringing me gifts of pencils and colouring books and such to keep me busy, magazines to read and dolls. The third month was spent trying to get me back onto proper food again in preparation to go home, they couldn't send me home until I could tolerate real food once more.. I beleive this is roughly the time that he 'Don' started force feeding me, as I didn't have much of an appetite after such a long time without eating.. Once home he would say that I needed to eat much more than I could actually manage, so would force me, he'd hold my nose closed so that I had to open my mouth to breath and when I did he would force a fork full of food in! regularly I'd end up choking and gagging as I tried to eat what he had given me, but it caused so many problems for me, that affect me even today. I know that food is essential and stuff, but I eat only what I feel I need to, there is very little pleasure in food for me because of this treatment! If I dared to cry when he was doing this he would hit me! he was such a vicious man hitting a child when in reality that child had done nothing wrong other than be sick! Just goes to show what sort of person he was I guess..
Jane asked me to try and explain how it felt when he did that to me and I had to say that it was horrible, I remember the feeling of fear everytime I heard Mum call us down for dinner, as I knew it would most likely mean another session of him force feeding me.. mealtimes became a chore not a pleasure and I didn't care if I had to miss them, sometimes I'd deliberately miss behave so that I would be sent to bed without dinner just so that I didn't have to endure it.
Jane asked me if my sisters had been supportive at the time this was all going on, and I had no choice but to say no they hadn't! but looking back they couldn't really as if they had tried he'd have just hit them as well, so they were made to sit and watch what he did without being able to do anything to stop him. hence maybe why they are the way they are today? no excuse I know as they are now adults but its what they got used to I guess, learned behaviours? hard to break.. leave me to deal with things myself to save themselves getting hurt?

Last night as I lay down to sleep, I was seeing him standing over me, just like he used to do when I was a child.. fork in hand and holding my nose closed, as you may guess this caused me to have a really bad night with memories coming up quite strongly into the early hours of this morning. my friend who lives with me, told me just now that at some point I called out to one of my sisters to 'help me' but no one came, as is the case today! when I need help from them they are never there for me, yet if they need my help they expect me to jump straight away, dropping whatever I'm doing and be there in an instant! Well no more! after the way they have treated me recently they can jump themselves, I'm not going to let them hurt me anymore I've had enough pain to last me a lifetime.... If they want help in the future they will have to find some other sucker to do it for them, as I won't be around to do it!...

Hoping that the weekend turns out to be better than the last few days have been?