Ok.. I've been trying to write this all morning, but the words just don't seem to be there just now.
All I can say is that I feel really down at the moment, not sure quite why but guess its because of what I'm trying to do. i.e. heal from the childhood abuse and from what happened to me throughout my life until a few years ago when I decided enough was enough.

I'm not exactly getting new memories, confused ones yes! but new? I don't think so, its like two or three events getting muddled into one and I just don't know how to deal with it. Hence its making me confused and low in mood and wanting to isolate myself from the world. I just had to pop over the shops to get a few things and couldn't wait to get back to the safety of home! It felt as though everyone was looking at me, even though I doubt they were. So I was back indoors pretty quickly in fact it took me just 20 minutes to get the things I needed and get back home again..

These feelings come and go recently, some days I can be fine and in a normal mood, whatever normal is these days but others I'm so low that I could just sit and cry.. but won't allow myself to! I don't cry in front of many people, in fact only about three have seen me cry and one of them was my GP. His reaction was to tell me I was suffering from anxiety! well hello... what the hell does he expect? He's never been where I have so I guess he just doesn't understand eh! He wasn't exactly helpful at the time either, but whats new with doctors? A friend of mine recently had to see a doctor and when she told him of the past she was dealing with she got told 'it's in the past, forget it and move on!' what the hell? do these so called doctors not get any training about how to treat an Abuse Survivor? The one thing you should NEVER tell them, is to forget it, don't you think if we could we would! It's something that will haunt us for the rest of our lives as we try to work out how anyone could do those things to a child/adult.. so to be told to forget is just an insult in my book.. We wish we could!

Meanwhile I try to understand whats going on with me, what does all the rubbish in my head mean to me? How did it affect me as a child? and why is it coming to me now? I can recall conversations with my mother at the dinner table, I can now envisage her sitting there telling me 'to eat up' but I am crying, why I don't know...I can't see what it is she is asking me to eat, but I know I don't want it... so the tears flow.. he's not there this time so Mum gets up... then I come to... so I don't know what happens next...

Can't explain how I feel.... the words just aren't there....