Wow!

Such a lot has happened in this past week, its hard to know where to begin?

First of all last weekend I had an email through about some jobs in the local area, one of them sounded quite appealing so I decided to apply for it on line, well on monday I got a phone call asking me if I was prepared to go for an interview on Tuesday at noon! Of course I said yes.. I went along at the agreed time and as far as I knew it went very well, seems to be a nice company and the people were friendly as well. I left feeling that I had done the best I could and would wait and see what happened. Not really expecting to be offered anything at all.. But wednesday morning as I was driving down to the local hardware store my mobile started ringing.. it was the woman from the agency telling me they were very interested in me and wanted to make me a job offer! OMG I was so shocked!! I waited for them to call me and confirm the offer and now I start working for them on wednesday 1st August... so a good start to the week eh!

At the same time all this was going on I was having a new bathroon suite fitted at home.. and what a nightmare that was.. days and days of stress as we found parts missing, parts broken etc.. the store I had bought it all from had failed to deliver half of it and I spent the best part of three days chasing up the missing bits.. But! now at the end of the week from hell I have a really nice new bathroom so I guess it was all worth it eh?

Today as usual was therapy day, with the new therapist that I started with two weeks ago, this one seems to be good for me as she won't let me avoid things, in fact we are working our way through my book..
Last time we had started by reading and analising the first two poems, why they were written, what they meant to me and what I had gained from writing them... a tough one eh! We had got to the third poem in the book...'My Life' and stopped at the stage where I had become 16yr old... as we ran out of time..

Today we went straight back to that point and continued, as she read some of the poem, I could clearly recall exactly what it was about, she's read a few lines then ask me questions, asking me to explain what had happened and what it all meant.. the poem;

'My Life'

Its time to deal with all my pain,

Before it drives me completely insane!

I don't know, quite where to start,

I was never very good at art!

I was just a child of five or six,

When you started hitting me with bamboo sticks.

What as a child did I do so wrong?

Why oh why did it last so long?

You'd beat me, if I was slow to eat,

Didn't put shoes quickly on my feet.

Looked the wrong way, laughed out loud,

My whole life lived under a cloud!

At 14 the biggest sin of all,

You ruined my teenage years that fall!

But silent tears, I did weap,

That awful secret, I had to keep!

By 16yrs I had some strength,

Put miles between us at great length.

Sixteen years old, and all alone,

Crawling from under every stone.

I was shy, quiet and reserved,

Relationships gone, NOT preserved.

Alone I lived for many years,

Living alone with all my fears.

Then someone special came to me,

At last a life, I could see.

Made me feel special, made me feel great,

I began to believe I'd found my soul mate.

Wedding bells rang, a date was set,

All of my dreams, finally met.

Two weeks before our special day,

Fate showed me another way.

He came and knocked upon me late at night,

MY GOD I PUT UP SUCH A FIGHT!

By my special someone, stayed by my side,

Emotions on a roller coaster ride.

We married settled into our new lives,

There was nothing at all I could hide.

Eleven years passed, two lovely kids,

Somehow my marriage, was on the skids.

He flirted, he cheated, he didn't want me!

I was confused, hurting couldn't he see?

But, as always determined to work things out,

We talked at length, we didn't shout!

Then one day, THEY came to stay,

Reminding me of his evil ways.

He beat MUM up, he knocked her down,

On the floor, with mud on her gown.

I told her that day, just what he'd done,

Told her I wasn't the only one!

I cried, she cried, what can we do?

'Make him pay, for what he's done to you'

Report him, then we'll make him pay,

There really is no other way!

My mum, she then met someone new,

Her happiness now was overdue.

They married as quickly as they could,

One day I'd wonder if they should?

Before our day of justice came,

Our emotions, feelings we had to tame.

Mum was taken from us so fast,

That marriage, something that couldn't last.

They had just six months, married life,

Duration of time as 'man and wife'.

She died so suddenly, can't you see?

She went and left it all to me.

Soon after she died, Our day in court,

The hardest day ever, that I thought.

They grilled, embarrassed and harrassed me,

My detailed story was what they asked me!

At last it was over, the hard work was done,

We'd stood on the stand one by one.

They found him guilty, that we know,

Its nine years in prison, he WILL go.

It was dealt with, gone in the past,

The pain I hoped wouldn't last.

My sisters, they couldn't understand,

By my side, they wouldn't stand.

They don't know about the second or the third,

My little voice, could never be heard.

I was married, a simple mother of two,

Oh! My God, what could I do?

It happened again, when I was thirty three,

Would I ever, ever be free?

No one knows about the last,

There is so much they don't know in my past.

Somehow, soon I'll find a way,

I'll tell them all, come what may.

We talked about this peom at great length today, and as we read it I was asked many questions so that my new therapist could understand where I was coming from, it very hard in places especially when she asked about the incident just before my marriage, like many others she had assumed it was my step father that attacked me that night, but it wasn't.. it was a neighbour and as she asked me to tell her about it I had tears running down my face as I tried to recall the details and the feelings.. then she did the unthinkable, she asked me to carry on reading the poem! I'd never read it out before... I have obviously read it, I wrote it after all, but never having read it out loud in front of anyone... so I started to read, and as I did the memories came flooding back.. the feelings, the pain, the heartache that I felt as a child and young adult.. the pain of losing mum just before we went to court.. all of it...

Before I knew it time was up, and we had to stop.. the lid went back on as I tried to compose myself before walking outside back into the world.. being in that office whilst we talk is kinda like being in a different place, a place where nothing can get in to hurt me and where its safe to talk about all this stuff... the only other place I have like that is home! where I have my best friend ever who is happy to let me talk away.. she listens to my fears, hears my pain and is there to give me a hug whenever I need it... Thanks hunni..

Got to stop this now as its getting late and I really don't want to be thinking about it all just before going to bed ofr the night, when that happens the nightmares happen, the flashbacks and the pain.. I could do without that right now as this week has been hard enough..

Today has been a really hard day for me, I had two therapy sessions one with my therapist Jane, who I've mentioned here many times and one with a new Therapist this afternoon.

The first session was this morning at the usual time of 10am... on my arrival jane knew it would be our last session as I'd emailed her during the week to let her know.. although she was sad that I was stopping she understood the reasons that I'd given. I told her that I had to stop due to financial reasons, which is partly true but not the whole truth. The main reason I gave up going there was because I couldn't handle the fact of some of the comments she would make during sessions, to be asked 'are you sure it wasn't a drunkedn fumble' when I told her about my step father raping me, not only hurt a great deal but was also unecessary... so I had decided to find myself a new therapist who would not make comments like that. We did the pleasantries initially and talked about what I had gained from seeing her for the last 20 months, I told her that if nothing else I had started to finally talk about myself and what had happened to me. She asked me to keep in touch and let her know what happens for me in the future, something I didn't expect but liked, she also aske dme to let her know if I manage to get a second book published and maybe let her have a copy! I said I would.. and we said goodbye. It was rather emotional for me as I left and I just had to get away and sit in my car for a few minutes.. but I didn't cry.. I'm grateful to Jane and hope that she is able to help someone else the way she has helped me! She got me talking about what I'd experienced after all, well her and a few very special on line friends..

I came home from that session to find my books revised edition waiting for me, it looks really good now and I'm really happy with the new look.. After a while it was time to head of for my second session of the day with the New Therapist... I arrived on time and went in, feeling a little edgy as I didn't really know what to expect, I'd told her about a lot of things last week at the initial meeting, so wasn't sure what to expect. I'd given her a copy of my book last time and although she said she'd try to read some by today I really didn't think she would have.. But I was wrong! She told me today that she had started to read it, intending to read one or two of the poems, but she surprised me a lot by saying 'that she started reading it and didn't stop until she'd read the last one' She said they basically tell my story from childhood up until I started dealing with it all, its very informative! She then asked me how I wanted to work with her? Knowing that my last therapist had said we'd work our way through the book, but never did, we decided to do just that. She asked me if I wanted to read them out! OMG... my heart skipped a beat! I can't read them out myself... so she said she would as long as we agreed to stop periodically to discuss issues raised in them, I agreed and we started with the first one in the book, which is called 'Love The Children' one of my favourites, it basically says if you have children tell them you love them, treat them fairly and DON'T Abuse them!..

She said she fully understood this poem and understood why I'd written it! then we moved on to the second one, which is called 'Listen Carefully' this one is asking everyone to listen carefully if a friend tries to tell you they've been hurt, your support is vital! Don't judge them let them talk and hear what they are trying to say.. offer whatever help you can and just be there for them.. We discussed this one at length and I explained what had made me write it, people who judge Abuse Survivors or tell them to 'forget it, move on. It's in the past' etc... they sure do need to read that one! The next one is the longest in the book and covers two pages, its called 'My Life' and it is just that, the story of my life in brief without the details, but saying about the physical, emotional and sexual Abuse I suffered as a child, and as an adult... its a hard one for me to hear anyone read out and a few times I had tears in my eyes as we got to the hard parts.. but we discussed several lines from it and only got as far as the part where I was 16yr old and finally had the strength to leave the family home! We're going to continue on that one next week and I am to take a copy of the book with me so that I can read it as she does.. she wants me to try and see if I can read it aloud myself so thats what I'm going to try and do this week before I see her again, I need to try and be able to read my own works without getting in an emotional mess... time will tell eh!

Its not going to be easy to do that as I know there are some poems in the book that I wrote but there is no way at this time that I can read them aloud, I can't even read them! but for me to move on from this I have to try.. I can already tell that this therapist is going to be good, she won't skirt around the hard bits she discusses them with me! and in doing so I am able to deal with things in a way I have not been able to do before... so here's hoping eh!!

I've not been in here for a long time! things have been a bit crazy here, I have been really down this past week or so, mainly due to new memories coming forward and me struggling to work out whether I beleive it or not.

In a few I beleive that I'm just about 7 or 8 yrs old..which is quite scarey to think about.. I am wearing a dress that I know I wouldn't have worn when I was 14 or so.. its making me thing and feel that the sexual abuse started much earlier than I had at first beleived.. There's nothing I can do about it now though, he has already been convicted for the Abuse and served a menial prison sentence for it.. he got out after just four years and now 14yrs after he was sent down he's a free man again and I am still trying to come to terms with it all.. its just not fair!

I was never offered any help at the time of going to court, if I had been maybe my life now would be different? I'd have dealt with it all by now and be living my life as it should be lived, free from the nightmares and flashbacks... Why did no one offer us any help? the convicted paedophiles get help whilst in prison them come out believing that they are cured! but they're not! they CAN'T be cured! Whilst we get a lifetime sentence of pain and heartache as we deal with all the crap they put on us when we were so young..

As I have said before on this blog, I co run a Support group for Survivors and we've had a new member this week who is a child of just 11yr old, she is being abused NOW! She is so scared of her abuser finding out that she is telling me, its heartbreaking! I have no idea where this child is or how to find out, so all I can do is try to gain her trust and let her know I am there for her. In time hopefully she will let me know where she is so that I can get her some help and make sure she is safe once more.. Why are SOME MEN so damned EVIL that they beleive its ok to have sex with a minor? he told her he was teaching her how to 'be a woman' what the Fuck! its heartbreaking listening to her when she tells me what he is doing, and what happens when her mum goes out! She is terrified of him yet no one notices the changes in her? No one see's the heartache of a child so young and in so much pain! WHY NOT!! I sat talking to her yesterday in tears but couldn't let her see that, it so reminded me of myself at the same age, but I had no one to listen to me... thank god she had the courage to go on line and try to get some help... I hope it stops for her really soon....

'Triggered'.. In the worst possible way!

I went away for the weekend with a friend, hoping to have a nice relaxing time away from everything and all the things going on at home. But it wasn't to be!

We left on Saturday afternoon for what turned out to be the trip of nightmares, My friend and I had decided a break would do us both good so we booked a hotel room and set of.. On arrival at about 10pm we booked in and went up to our allocated room... as we walked along the corridor, there was this guy, standing there chatting on a mobile phone, he watched our every move and watched what room we went into, feeling a bit unsettled we placed our belongings in the room and went back down to get some coffee and food.. but the coffee shop was closed for half an hour to change staff shifts, so we managed a drink each and had to wait for the rest..

Whilst we drank our coffee, we both felt uneasy.. the place seemed to be full of single men! apart from the receptionist in the lobby and one female in the coffee shop everyone else was male.. It was very uncomfortable. We sat there trying to decide whether to stay or not! as we did this group of men entered the building, loud and obnoxious making us feel even more uncomfortable than we already did... I wanted to run out and get in my car and get away.. but couldnt move!

As I looked around I saw this man sitting behind us who was a double of my second stepfather, I started to shake, across the hallway in an amusement arcade area there was another man who I'd already seen who was a double of my first step father..although a bit younger, he still looked very like him.. as I tried to tell my friend another group walked in, amongst them was a man who was just like like my rapist when I was 19yr old.. by this time I was a mess.. all three in the same place at the same time.. I became convinced that something was going to happen.. I wanted to run out of there and get away, but all our things were upstairs, so once I'd calmed down a little we went back up to the room and locked the door...
The noise in the corridors that night was extrememly loud.. but neither of us felt able to go and see what was happening... we both felt as though if we went out there we would be in trouble big time.. so we sat in the room shaking.. terrified to move and attract any attention towards ourselves.. we sat and waited.. we were both very hungry having not eaten since noon that day as we'd travelled.. but to scared to go out we had no choice but to wait and hope eventually they'd go away.. after a while we decided to try and sleep... I guess we dosed becuase next I knew it was 3am... silence reigned outside so we decided to go and try to find something to eat... Everywhere downstairs was deserted.. the food on offer was not what we wanted, so without anything we went back upstairs silently.. we didn't want to risk waking those men.. in the rooms either side of us and opposite there were at least 12 of them and we knew we wouldn't stand a chance, both convinced that as we passed thier rooms they would open the doors and jump out on us, we crept along the corridor... once back in our room we locked the door and waited till morning...
I guess we fell asleep again because next I knew it was 9am... still shaking and wanting to get out of there as fast as possible we got ready to leave.. but there were some noises outside as the men prepared to leave.. we felt we'd had a lucky escape.. we decided to wait until they had left before going out.. still unsure what their intentions had been the night before.

Both of us feel that if we'd gone out into the corridor on the saturday night something terrible would have happened to us! Seeing doubles of three abusers in the same place at the same time was like a warning omen, and thankfully we heeded that warning, we took extra care and made sure we were as safe as we could be.. As soon as we knew they had left we got our belongings together and prepared to head home... all the way back we felt we'd sure had a lucky escape.. neither of us felt really safe until we were back home... we'd both been 'triggered' by the events of the night before and just needed to be home again and feel safe.. Thankfully my son was here when we returned, when he is around I always feel safe for some reason... its not that he is a big strapping lad, but I just feel safer knowing he is in the house...

Today I have terrible stomach cramps and feel sick, I guess a body reaction to what happened? I just feel the need to stay indoors where I know I am safe, going outside at the moment terrifies me and I can't face it, I don't want to be around people especially strangers..

This is one of the things Abuse can do to someone! It can change your life forever. Whereby before you could have been a trusting kind of person, afterwards you trust NO ONE until they prove you can trust them.. my trust for strangers has gone for sure and I think it will take a very long time for me to trust people again, there are so many bad people out there in this world that for me to differentiate between good and bad is very hard, especially when I've been 'triggered' right now I feel everyone is out to hurt me in some way, so I will isolate myself, a Survival technique used by many victims of Abuse to keep themselves safe from further harm..

So all in all its not been a good weekend this week, hopefully in a few days my feelings will settle down once more and I will be able to continue with my healing from all this.. I often wonder if my Abusers know the damage they have done? and if they do, do they care? somehow I doubt it!