Today has been a really hard day for me, I had two therapy sessions one with my therapist Jane, who I've mentioned here many times and one with a new Therapist this afternoon.

The first session was this morning at the usual time of 10am... on my arrival jane knew it would be our last session as I'd emailed her during the week to let her know.. although she was sad that I was stopping she understood the reasons that I'd given. I told her that I had to stop due to financial reasons, which is partly true but not the whole truth. The main reason I gave up going there was because I couldn't handle the fact of some of the comments she would make during sessions, to be asked 'are you sure it wasn't a drunkedn fumble' when I told her about my step father raping me, not only hurt a great deal but was also unecessary... so I had decided to find myself a new therapist who would not make comments like that. We did the pleasantries initially and talked about what I had gained from seeing her for the last 20 months, I told her that if nothing else I had started to finally talk about myself and what had happened to me. She asked me to keep in touch and let her know what happens for me in the future, something I didn't expect but liked, she also aske dme to let her know if I manage to get a second book published and maybe let her have a copy! I said I would.. and we said goodbye. It was rather emotional for me as I left and I just had to get away and sit in my car for a few minutes.. but I didn't cry.. I'm grateful to Jane and hope that she is able to help someone else the way she has helped me! She got me talking about what I'd experienced after all, well her and a few very special on line friends..

I came home from that session to find my books revised edition waiting for me, it looks really good now and I'm really happy with the new look.. After a while it was time to head of for my second session of the day with the New Therapist... I arrived on time and went in, feeling a little edgy as I didn't really know what to expect, I'd told her about a lot of things last week at the initial meeting, so wasn't sure what to expect. I'd given her a copy of my book last time and although she said she'd try to read some by today I really didn't think she would have.. But I was wrong! She told me today that she had started to read it, intending to read one or two of the poems, but she surprised me a lot by saying 'that she started reading it and didn't stop until she'd read the last one' She said they basically tell my story from childhood up until I started dealing with it all, its very informative! She then asked me how I wanted to work with her? Knowing that my last therapist had said we'd work our way through the book, but never did, we decided to do just that. She asked me if I wanted to read them out! OMG... my heart skipped a beat! I can't read them out myself... so she said she would as long as we agreed to stop periodically to discuss issues raised in them, I agreed and we started with the first one in the book, which is called 'Love The Children' one of my favourites, it basically says if you have children tell them you love them, treat them fairly and DON'T Abuse them!..

She said she fully understood this poem and understood why I'd written it! then we moved on to the second one, which is called 'Listen Carefully' this one is asking everyone to listen carefully if a friend tries to tell you they've been hurt, your support is vital! Don't judge them let them talk and hear what they are trying to say.. offer whatever help you can and just be there for them.. We discussed this one at length and I explained what had made me write it, people who judge Abuse Survivors or tell them to 'forget it, move on. It's in the past' etc... they sure do need to read that one! The next one is the longest in the book and covers two pages, its called 'My Life' and it is just that, the story of my life in brief without the details, but saying about the physical, emotional and sexual Abuse I suffered as a child, and as an adult... its a hard one for me to hear anyone read out and a few times I had tears in my eyes as we got to the hard parts.. but we discussed several lines from it and only got as far as the part where I was 16yr old and finally had the strength to leave the family home! We're going to continue on that one next week and I am to take a copy of the book with me so that I can read it as she does.. she wants me to try and see if I can read it aloud myself so thats what I'm going to try and do this week before I see her again, I need to try and be able to read my own works without getting in an emotional mess... time will tell eh!

Its not going to be easy to do that as I know there are some poems in the book that I wrote but there is no way at this time that I can read them aloud, I can't even read them! but for me to move on from this I have to try.. I can already tell that this therapist is going to be good, she won't skirt around the hard bits she discusses them with me! and in doing so I am able to deal with things in a way I have not been able to do before... so here's hoping eh!!