'Triggered'.. In the worst possible way!

I went away for the weekend with a friend, hoping to have a nice relaxing time away from everything and all the things going on at home. But it wasn't to be!

We left on Saturday afternoon for what turned out to be the trip of nightmares, My friend and I had decided a break would do us both good so we booked a hotel room and set of.. On arrival at about 10pm we booked in and went up to our allocated room... as we walked along the corridor, there was this guy, standing there chatting on a mobile phone, he watched our every move and watched what room we went into, feeling a bit unsettled we placed our belongings in the room and went back down to get some coffee and food.. but the coffee shop was closed for half an hour to change staff shifts, so we managed a drink each and had to wait for the rest..

Whilst we drank our coffee, we both felt uneasy.. the place seemed to be full of single men! apart from the receptionist in the lobby and one female in the coffee shop everyone else was male.. It was very uncomfortable. We sat there trying to decide whether to stay or not! as we did this group of men entered the building, loud and obnoxious making us feel even more uncomfortable than we already did... I wanted to run out and get in my car and get away.. but couldnt move!

As I looked around I saw this man sitting behind us who was a double of my second stepfather, I started to shake, across the hallway in an amusement arcade area there was another man who I'd already seen who was a double of my first step father..although a bit younger, he still looked very like him.. as I tried to tell my friend another group walked in, amongst them was a man who was just like like my rapist when I was 19yr old.. by this time I was a mess.. all three in the same place at the same time.. I became convinced that something was going to happen.. I wanted to run out of there and get away, but all our things were upstairs, so once I'd calmed down a little we went back up to the room and locked the door...
The noise in the corridors that night was extrememly loud.. but neither of us felt able to go and see what was happening... we both felt as though if we went out there we would be in trouble big time.. so we sat in the room shaking.. terrified to move and attract any attention towards ourselves.. we sat and waited.. we were both very hungry having not eaten since noon that day as we'd travelled.. but to scared to go out we had no choice but to wait and hope eventually they'd go away.. after a while we decided to try and sleep... I guess we dosed becuase next I knew it was 3am... silence reigned outside so we decided to go and try to find something to eat... Everywhere downstairs was deserted.. the food on offer was not what we wanted, so without anything we went back upstairs silently.. we didn't want to risk waking those men.. in the rooms either side of us and opposite there were at least 12 of them and we knew we wouldn't stand a chance, both convinced that as we passed thier rooms they would open the doors and jump out on us, we crept along the corridor... once back in our room we locked the door and waited till morning...
I guess we fell asleep again because next I knew it was 9am... still shaking and wanting to get out of there as fast as possible we got ready to leave.. but there were some noises outside as the men prepared to leave.. we felt we'd had a lucky escape.. we decided to wait until they had left before going out.. still unsure what their intentions had been the night before.

Both of us feel that if we'd gone out into the corridor on the saturday night something terrible would have happened to us! Seeing doubles of three abusers in the same place at the same time was like a warning omen, and thankfully we heeded that warning, we took extra care and made sure we were as safe as we could be.. As soon as we knew they had left we got our belongings together and prepared to head home... all the way back we felt we'd sure had a lucky escape.. neither of us felt really safe until we were back home... we'd both been 'triggered' by the events of the night before and just needed to be home again and feel safe.. Thankfully my son was here when we returned, when he is around I always feel safe for some reason... its not that he is a big strapping lad, but I just feel safer knowing he is in the house...

Today I have terrible stomach cramps and feel sick, I guess a body reaction to what happened? I just feel the need to stay indoors where I know I am safe, going outside at the moment terrifies me and I can't face it, I don't want to be around people especially strangers..

This is one of the things Abuse can do to someone! It can change your life forever. Whereby before you could have been a trusting kind of person, afterwards you trust NO ONE until they prove you can trust them.. my trust for strangers has gone for sure and I think it will take a very long time for me to trust people again, there are so many bad people out there in this world that for me to differentiate between good and bad is very hard, especially when I've been 'triggered' right now I feel everyone is out to hurt me in some way, so I will isolate myself, a Survival technique used by many victims of Abuse to keep themselves safe from further harm..

So all in all its not been a good weekend this week, hopefully in a few days my feelings will settle down once more and I will be able to continue with my healing from all this.. I often wonder if my Abusers know the damage they have done? and if they do, do they care? somehow I doubt it!