Wow!

Such a lot has happened in this past week, its hard to know where to begin?

First of all last weekend I had an email through about some jobs in the local area, one of them sounded quite appealing so I decided to apply for it on line, well on monday I got a phone call asking me if I was prepared to go for an interview on Tuesday at noon! Of course I said yes.. I went along at the agreed time and as far as I knew it went very well, seems to be a nice company and the people were friendly as well. I left feeling that I had done the best I could and would wait and see what happened. Not really expecting to be offered anything at all.. But wednesday morning as I was driving down to the local hardware store my mobile started ringing.. it was the woman from the agency telling me they were very interested in me and wanted to make me a job offer! OMG I was so shocked!! I waited for them to call me and confirm the offer and now I start working for them on wednesday 1st August... so a good start to the week eh!

At the same time all this was going on I was having a new bathroon suite fitted at home.. and what a nightmare that was.. days and days of stress as we found parts missing, parts broken etc.. the store I had bought it all from had failed to deliver half of it and I spent the best part of three days chasing up the missing bits.. But! now at the end of the week from hell I have a really nice new bathroom so I guess it was all worth it eh?

Today as usual was therapy day, with the new therapist that I started with two weeks ago, this one seems to be good for me as she won't let me avoid things, in fact we are working our way through my book..
Last time we had started by reading and analising the first two poems, why they were written, what they meant to me and what I had gained from writing them... a tough one eh! We had got to the third poem in the book...'My Life' and stopped at the stage where I had become 16yr old... as we ran out of time..

Today we went straight back to that point and continued, as she read some of the poem, I could clearly recall exactly what it was about, she's read a few lines then ask me questions, asking me to explain what had happened and what it all meant.. the poem;

'My Life'

Its time to deal with all my pain,

Before it drives me completely insane!

I don't know, quite where to start,

I was never very good at art!

I was just a child of five or six,

When you started hitting me with bamboo sticks.

What as a child did I do so wrong?

Why oh why did it last so long?

You'd beat me, if I was slow to eat,

Didn't put shoes quickly on my feet.

Looked the wrong way, laughed out loud,

My whole life lived under a cloud!

At 14 the biggest sin of all,

You ruined my teenage years that fall!

But silent tears, I did weap,

That awful secret, I had to keep!

By 16yrs I had some strength,

Put miles between us at great length.

Sixteen years old, and all alone,

Crawling from under every stone.

I was shy, quiet and reserved,

Relationships gone, NOT preserved.

Alone I lived for many years,

Living alone with all my fears.

Then someone special came to me,

At last a life, I could see.

Made me feel special, made me feel great,

I began to believe I'd found my soul mate.

Wedding bells rang, a date was set,

All of my dreams, finally met.

Two weeks before our special day,

Fate showed me another way.

He came and knocked upon me late at night,

MY GOD I PUT UP SUCH A FIGHT!

By my special someone, stayed by my side,

Emotions on a roller coaster ride.

We married settled into our new lives,

There was nothing at all I could hide.

Eleven years passed, two lovely kids,

Somehow my marriage, was on the skids.

He flirted, he cheated, he didn't want me!

I was confused, hurting couldn't he see?

But, as always determined to work things out,

We talked at length, we didn't shout!

Then one day, THEY came to stay,

Reminding me of his evil ways.

He beat MUM up, he knocked her down,

On the floor, with mud on her gown.

I told her that day, just what he'd done,

Told her I wasn't the only one!

I cried, she cried, what can we do?

'Make him pay, for what he's done to you'

Report him, then we'll make him pay,

There really is no other way!

My mum, she then met someone new,

Her happiness now was overdue.

They married as quickly as they could,

One day I'd wonder if they should?

Before our day of justice came,

Our emotions, feelings we had to tame.

Mum was taken from us so fast,

That marriage, something that couldn't last.

They had just six months, married life,

Duration of time as 'man and wife'.

She died so suddenly, can't you see?

She went and left it all to me.

Soon after she died, Our day in court,

The hardest day ever, that I thought.

They grilled, embarrassed and harrassed me,

My detailed story was what they asked me!

At last it was over, the hard work was done,

We'd stood on the stand one by one.

They found him guilty, that we know,

Its nine years in prison, he WILL go.

It was dealt with, gone in the past,

The pain I hoped wouldn't last.

My sisters, they couldn't understand,

By my side, they wouldn't stand.

They don't know about the second or the third,

My little voice, could never be heard.

I was married, a simple mother of two,

Oh! My God, what could I do?

It happened again, when I was thirty three,

Would I ever, ever be free?

No one knows about the last,

There is so much they don't know in my past.

Somehow, soon I'll find a way,

I'll tell them all, come what may.

We talked about this peom at great length today, and as we read it I was asked many questions so that my new therapist could understand where I was coming from, it very hard in places especially when she asked about the incident just before my marriage, like many others she had assumed it was my step father that attacked me that night, but it wasn't.. it was a neighbour and as she asked me to tell her about it I had tears running down my face as I tried to recall the details and the feelings.. then she did the unthinkable, she asked me to carry on reading the poem! I'd never read it out before... I have obviously read it, I wrote it after all, but never having read it out loud in front of anyone... so I started to read, and as I did the memories came flooding back.. the feelings, the pain, the heartache that I felt as a child and young adult.. the pain of losing mum just before we went to court.. all of it...

Before I knew it time was up, and we had to stop.. the lid went back on as I tried to compose myself before walking outside back into the world.. being in that office whilst we talk is kinda like being in a different place, a place where nothing can get in to hurt me and where its safe to talk about all this stuff... the only other place I have like that is home! where I have my best friend ever who is happy to let me talk away.. she listens to my fears, hears my pain and is there to give me a hug whenever I need it... Thanks hunni..

Got to stop this now as its getting late and I really don't want to be thinking about it all just before going to bed ofr the night, when that happens the nightmares happen, the flashbacks and the pain.. I could do without that right now as this week has been hard enough..