Into week three of being a working lass again, wow its been a big shock getting used to being away from home for some 9 1/2 hours a day.. but the pay check at the end of the month will hopefully make it all worthwhile eh! Its interesting meeting people again and getting back into the swing of an office once more.. I'm glad I made the choice to try.

I'm still going to my councelling sessions once a week, in fact I've been today as she was away on holiday last week.. was quite a tough one as I finally admitted to her that I have been getting very angry recently, not really sure what the cause of it is but it seems the slightest thing can set me off these days. I admitted to having had some really nasty arguements with my friend that have turned out bad, to the extent where I actually kicked a door and broke it! When she was on the other side :-(

My therapist believes its misplaced anger about the past and has suggested that it may help to try and write letters to my abusers to get the feelings out, I'm not sure if this will work or not but I am prepared to give it a go. So I may just start to write exactly what I think of the people from my past. It is certain to be a pretty unpleasant read for anyone who tries to read it as I don't intend to mince my words at all. I just wish deep down that it would be read by the people who have caused me all these years of torment and pain.. somehow I doubt they'd read this blog as they don't see that they've done anything wrong at all.. but it would be an eye opener for sure!

Maybe my first letter should just be to the Guy who raped me when I was 19yr old and about to get married, it was suggested to me many years ago to write him a letter but not being good at letter writing I wrote a poem! This is the poem I wrote back then! I called it;

'Raped'

How did I feel, when he pushed me down?

He wasn't trying to be a clown.

He pushed me hard from behind,

My vision Impaired, I was blind!

Shaking, frightened and confused,

Yet again, I'm being used!

I can't recall the words he said,

As he pushed me down, on the bed!

He was Big and black and very strong,

Must have known, this was wrong.

He tore my clothes, removed his own,

No pity, no mercy, from him was shown.

He took what he wanted, left the room,

I felt he'd come back again real soon.

I stayed where I was, locked the door,

Sat there sobbing on the floor.

An hour passed, maybe two,

I didn't know what I should do?

In time I moved, I found a robe,

Never again will I do as I'm told!

I made a call, asked for help,

He came straight away, heard me yelp.

I never went to the police that day,

Didn't know what I should say.

I was getting married in three weeks time,

I had to pretend, none of this was mine!

This poem turned out to be more about how it felt at the time of the rape, rather than a letter to 'The Rapist' so maybe now is the time?

I want to ask him..'Why?' Why did he feel the need to abuse me that day the way he did? What was his reason for treating me like he did? I was his neighbour and could have been a friend so why do this?

Did I deserve to be 'Raped'? NO I damned well didn't. I'd done nothing to him, nothing at all but his actions that day have caused me many years of heartache and pain, now almost 30 years on I still suffer from nightmares about what he did to me, I still occassionally get flashbacks where I feel him forcing me, pushing me, hitting me. I walk down the street and see an African man walking towards me, it freaks me out if there is a resemblance to him! to the extent that I sometimes am unable to function properly.. Its not fair! For his 20 mins or half hour, however long it was I have suffered years of pain and sorrow because he couldn't do the decent thing and walk away leaving me to live my life!

I often wonder does he remember what he did that day? Does he ever feel remorseful for the pain he caused me? Has he caused this type of pain to anyone else since then? I never reported him, unfortunately.. I wish now that I had but I can't even remember his name anymore, just what he looked like. So its to late for me, all I can do now is try to deal with all the sorrow and move on from it. I can't do what some people tell me to do though, many say 'It's in the past move on and forget it'! If they'd been through it they'd understand its not that easy.. I have to re-live it many times over and deal with it to be able to put it in the past, hence why nowadays I write it out.. I write it in many different ways and styles each one depicting a different aspect of what happened.. one day ... hopefully soon it will lose its power over me and I'll be able to openly talk about just what he did to me in that room.. hopefully that day is not to far away.