Such a lot has happened since I last posted on here.

Firstly I got the job I'd applied for and started working on wednesday 1st August.. it was a complete shock to the system as I haven't worked outside the home in nearly 20 years! and almost 30 years since I worked in an office.. But I did it and have now just completed week 2.. learning lots of few things and I have to admit I'm enjoying it as well..

I've been seeing my new councellor for some three weeks now and we are slowly working through my book of poems abut my life.. at the last session we had dealt with one of the hardest ones which was called 'My Life' about as it says my life in a condensed form.. it was pretty hard going through all the stages in therapy, but I beleive beneficial as well.. we have moved on from that one now and talked last time about 'Secrets' and one called 'Violence' both quite poignant poems about the past and things that have happened.. I'll write them here.

'SECRETS'

The tales, the stories, the secrets we keep,

Without them, our lives, incomplete.

We were taught at a very young age,

Just what would happen if we turned the page!

Our young lives a mess, who could we tell?

Not a Teacher or Doctor, we knew so well.

They must have seen, something was wrong,

We were not chirpy birds, singing our song.

Not sure about others, but I know about me,

I was quiet, reserved, why couldn't they see?

let nobody get to closely involved,

Else all of my secrets, would have been told.

If I'd told my story when I was a child,

Would I have grown up, going so wild?

Would I have settled, for a marriage from hell?

Had I been groomed, did it show so well?

To many questions, answers not found,

Feeling like I'm living in a big compound.

As this explains, I felt unable to tell anyone what was happening as I grew up for fear of what may happen to us all.. as a result many of the problems I have faced since that time can be directly linked to the childhood abuse.. I grew up thinking and beleiving that it was up to me to deal with it all alone, to tell no one about my pain or suffering.... The other poem we talked about was called 'Violence' simple as it explains itself.. it was written about what I saw as a child growing up..

'VIOLENCE'

She's covered in purple bruises all over,

She certainly doesn't, have a life of clover.

Her eyes are both, a dark shade of black,

He punched her, kicked her in her back.

The clothes and the make up, prevent it from showing,

She believes her neighbours, can't help knowing.

They must hear her screams, when they start to fight,

But! Nobody comes, it's the middle of the night.

The children they cower, on the stairs,

He's ranting and raving, but nobody cares.

Next day at school, their all half asleep,

Their mothers terrible secret, they will keep.

They grow up believing, thats how it is,

We learn from our parents, when we are kids.

They know that they're scared, when dad hits mum,

But! Believe it is right, cause nobody comes.

If it was wrong, wouldn't somebody call?

They sit there silent, don't move, don't dare fall.

One day they see an ambulance arrive,

They wonder, if Mum is going to survive?

He's taken things many steps over the mark,

These memories for ever, in their heads will park!

When a child of any age witnesses this type of behaviour in adults, they naturally beleive it to be normal? Now I know differently of course... My Parents had an abusive relationship hence why I beleived it was the norm.. and when My stepfather started abusing me I did and said nothing to stop him! so maybe a little of me blames me still? even though I know now that he was wrong?

We dealt with a few other poems as well mainly ones about my early childhood where I had been taught to 'Obey' adults as they knew best?? I don't think so any more.. now I at least listen to my children and hear what they have to say before making rash decisions about things.. I still have the last word though as they do need to know who is in charge but I think I got a happy medium whereby they feel heard unlike how I grew up...Memories of these times haunt me almost daily, but deal with them I must and will..

It was my birthday earlier this week and I went of to London with a really good friend of mine for a couple of days, we took in two west end shows.. 'We will rock you' and 'Mama Mia' and I have to say that although I left the theatre both nights almost deaf! from being so close to the speakers they were brilliant shows to see.. so if anyones stuck for a night out in London take in either one your sure to enjoy...

I hope to be able to get back to the routine of writing in here regularly soon, just got to get used to being a working lass again..lol...