Ok so its been almost three weeks since I've written anything in here!

The reason for that being that I have had a lot going on recently, mostly had family problems with my brother suffering renal failure and being really sick in hospital, he is in desperate need of a kidney and pancreas transplant else we risk him losing his life very soon. Also along the same time my sisters partner had major surgery and I was there supporting my sister as there was doubt if her partner would make it through! But she did.. thankfully..

Through all that I have still continued going to therapy to help me deal with my own problems from my past, we've been working through my poems as I think I've said here before and some of them are really hard to read for me, and some even harder to hear read out! but I've persevered as I feel in the long run it can only help me to deal with my demons. Today I went along at the appointed time and expected to be continuing from where we left of last week, but I was wrong! today we didn't even open the book?

My therapist started straight away asking me how I was feeling today? what had been happening for me since we met last week? I told her not much had changed really and she asked me if there was anything in my past that I was still hiding? that I'd told no one about, I had to admit there were a few things, but being aprehensive that she would try to get me to tell her what they were.. I mentioned there was one thing that my sister had mentioned to me a few weeks ago that I'd been hoping she had forgotten, thankfully, I wasn't asked what it was as there would be no way that I could tell her, its just far to painful even for me to think about, she asked how I reacted when my sister brought it up and I told her that I'd told my sister 'I can't talk about it'.. thankfully my sister didn't push it and the subject was changed.

She then asked me if there were other things that I can't talk about and I admitted there were! So she started by asking me about My step father (2nd) Fredrick Dorrell.. and what he did to me after my Mum passed away! she asked me to try and talk to her about events leading up to that and after, so I told her that he'd been married to my Mum just three months when she died following a triple by pass operation, this was in the year that we, my siblings and I were preparing for the court case against our first step father for the abuse we suffered at his hands as children.. after Mum died I still saw Fred, my husband felt sorry for him so used to invite him for dinner each week. That wasn't so bad initially I felt it my duty to keep an eye on him for my Mum, we went to court and got our conviction against my first step father in the October of that same year..

By christmas Fred was saying how he needed a holiday and asked my husband If I could go along to keep him company, my husband said yes it would be alright, so we planned to go to cyprus as I knew the area having lived there for 3yrs previously.. April 2nd we flew out for 2weeks.. what happened there is not something I wish to write about in detail here just now, but to say he abused me like the others would explain it really.. I told no one, my husband cared so little he didn't notice the changes in me when I got home, he didn't question why everytime he invited Fred over I'd sit there barely saying anything, never wondered why I would try to make excuses for him not to come across? anyways for years I endured having him in my home each week, right up until my husband left me and I could decide for myself who came over or not. Who I let in or not!

Occassionally he would come over to 'see the children' but unless someone else was in the house I would pretend to be out. After putting up with this for many years I moved away, one to get away from my EX husband who was still trying to control my every move and another to get away from Fred, I thought putting miles between us would mean I didn't have to see him anymore! all was great for a few years, then suddenly he turned up at my house saying he'd got my number etc from my sisters, they like everyone else didn't know what he'd done to me in cyprus.. so I can't blame them at all.. they know now though and would happily tell him so if he ever tries to contact me again..

After suffering weeks of him calling me at all hours and me having flashbacks about it all, I finally had to tell someone what he'd done, I chose a friend on line someone I knew I could trust who was also a long way away, in fact she was in Norway! so there was no chance of her meeting him or saying anything, one night when on skype to her he called me again at 1am.. he knew I'd be home at this time and would answer the phone rather than let it wake the boys! This was the final straw I knew I had to do something before I cracked up, I couldn't handle the pressure he was putting me under, so I told my sisters what had gone on! One of them said to me 'if he calls again let me know and I'll talk to him' not sure what she meant at the time, but when he did call again the next day I told her immediately, she came up to my house and said she was going to call him. She got him on the phone and told him to stop calling me she knew what he'd done to me in Cyprus and was appalled at him! he naturally denied having done anything wrong at all, typical of ABUSERS they don't see it as wrong! the fact that they hurt people and make them feel their life is over, isn't wrong??? How! He told us he was dying, so I took the phone and told him 'to hurry up and die' he said he missed our Mum, so I told him 'she would turn in her grave if she knew what he'd done to me'.. again he denied doing wrong, as If I wanted him to rape me? DID I ASK HIM TO GET INTO MY BED WITH ME? no I bloody well didn't! I HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID THAT DAY! AND ALWAYS WILL..

My therapist asked me if I'd ever written a letter to him telling him of the damage he's done to me, and I said no I hadn't, she thinks it may be a good idea for me to do it sooner rather than later. She aske dme to imagine him sat in the room with us, right then and describe him to her which I did saying he'd be about 70 odd years old by now and white hair, rather large in build and taller than me, she listened whilst i described him to her and then she reminded me that he is not a big strong man at all, any man who can do that to a woman is just a 'bloody coward' he felt the need to have sex that day, and rather than be decent and go without he took it from me! Because of his lack of willpower I have suffered years of anguish and pain, years of nightmares and flashbacks and now its time for me to move forwards with it, the only way she thinks I'll be able to do that is to write to him just what effect his actions have had on me as a person, how its affected my life then and now and hope that maybe I can make him regret even for a moment what he did that day, maybe he will even admit he was wrong? though I doubt it somehow..

So my home work this week is to try and write him a letter, explaining how he has made me feel all these years, as she said many listen to the stories of the victims but who listens to the abusers apart from the victims? Who is there to educate them in realising that what they do, or did is WRONG? Maybe its time one by one for all victims to make the abuser see the damage they really cause, the heartache and pain, the effects on what could be a normal family life, the pain that is passed to the next generation because of what Mum suffered!

That is why I write this blog, to make people realise the damage caused BY ABUSE, to hopefully waken up closed eyes and minds to what the victim goes through many years later, its not the case that once you get a conviction you can forget, because you never do, you just have to try and live with the knowledge that you've been violated against your will, hurt by someone generally that you beleived you could trust and then left wary wondering who else in life is going to hurt you the same way? Hopefully in my case it will never happen again, but who knows???

A few years ago, well about 4yrs or so, after my marriage had fallen apart, I'd moved away from London back to where I used to live (and where I grew up as a child) on the South Coast, things started happening when I went to bed at night... I started to dream vivid dreams about my childhood, at first I didn't realise what was happening to me I just used to wake up in the middle of the night crying, sweating and often very distressed.. This seemed to start happening more often and before very long it was a daily occurence. I didn't know back then, but from what I know now, I was having flashbacks about my childhood abuse and it was also causing the nightmares?

I decided to buy myself a computor for the first time and go on line, to find out what all the fuss was about! and boy did I find out? now I'm hooked...lol.. but it was also one of the best things I could have done for myself back then, a friend showed me how to go on line and meet people, how to join groups and get support .. I've not looked back since then.

Through being on line I built myself a support network that has never let me down, unlike other people in my life, these strangers knew how I was feeling, they understood me like no one had ever understood before, they had also experienced Abuse in their lives and I found that at last I could talk to people about what had happened to me as a child.

Everything started to come back, at the age of 46years I was suddenly remembering all the things that had happened to me in detail, I found it so hard to talk about, and still do to some extent, but found that I had a knack for writing it out in poetry! I was encouraged to write down how I felt, what I wanted to do and how I thought I could do it. At last for the first time in life I had someone who beleived in me! Quite early on I was writing poems, not doing anything with them, just storing them in a folder and keeping them away in a drawer. Suddenly someone asked to see a few of them so I posted them in a group, the response I had from others was amazing, they asked if I was inside their heads, I understood how they felt because I felt it as well? One of my early poems was called 'FIGHTING BACK' which was what I beleived I was now doing.. Its this one..

'FIGHTING BACK'

I hate you for doing that to me,

You made me feel, I could never be free.

My Childhood years forever gone,

Whatever did I do so wrong?

You tortured, Put me through every emotion,

I don't beleive you had no notion.

All those things you said and did,

Couldn't you see, I was just a kid?

You beat me and my siblings, black and blue,

We never knew what we could do.

Sometimes we were happy, but most were sad,

But like most children, never really bad.

Now mum she knew you were strict,

She watched you Beat us, with those sticks.

But! She was feeble, weak not strong,

Deep down she must have known it was wrong?

I ran away, just as soon as I could,

Tried to make me return, but I never would.

I kept that secret for sixteen years,

Hid deep inside, behind all my tears.

Then I met someone really nice,

Soon he asked me to become his wife.

At last I thought someone, who cared for me,

True love at last was meant to be.

I discussed this one today with my therapist and she said that from what she knows now, what I beleived was love was most likely not, that man was so like my step father in so many ways, with his controlling attitude etc that I had allowed the circle of Abuse to continue, I didn't see it that way though and she explained that as I was still so young at the time and just recently out of the abusive home that I wouldn't have! She opened my eyes today at how easy it is to get into an abusive relationship once you have been abused, because its familiar territory you are drawn to it, beleiving it to be the right thing... when it isn't really right at all! It is very hard for any Survivor of this sort of thing to see what is good and what is bad.. because we become conditioned to accepting the behaviour thinking its normal!

In another poem that we discussed entitled 'confusion' I explained how confused I was about my marriage break up, yet again the words ' AM I REALLY THAT BAD'? these had been used in a poem about my first step father? so I suddenly saw the similarities.. they were staring me in the face for the first time .. years after my marriage ended I realised that my husband was so much like my step father in how I was treated by him, and when the going got tough after my car accident, he got going and walked out! shows what sort of man he was eh! and how much he didn't care at all for me! So I am much better off now without him in my life at all..

Then we came to the hardest two poems in my book, called 'NUMBER TWO' and 'Raped' which was very difficult to read.. thankfully my therapist understood this and read the second one to herself quietly.. But I did manage to read the first of them, which is about my second step-father, when we went away on holiday after my mother had died! I awoke the day before we were due to return home to England to find him in my bed doing things to me that he should not have done, his excuse was 'he missed my Mum' ! What the hell???

So that gave him the right to Abuse me? I have since then confronted him over the telephone about what happened and he denied it naturally, he cried and told me he was dying, so I told him to 'hurry up and die then'... a little callous I hear you say? But I really don't care.. when I get flashbacks about him all I can remember is my back or my chest itching like crazy and pain.. so much pain!! It makes me feel sick to my stomach that anyone can do this to someone else and then try to deny it happened, try to make out that I am lying, why would I lie? does he seriously beleive I want these memories and feelings, these nightmares and flashbacks? If I could be without them that would be amazing, but its my life these days as I try to deal with it all bit by bit.. I have been asked today to try and keep a diary of the nightmares and flashbakcs to see if we can work out what is triggering them to happen, so I'm going to try it and see if we can work out a pattern, maybe then they will lessen and not have such an effect on me.. However most of the flashbacks tend to be about the stranger who RAPED me just before I got married, we intend to try and work out why this one seems to play on my mind more than the rest as it was only one incident! whereby the rest was from people who I should have been able to trust, but who broke my trust in the worst possible way imaginable...

I get flashbacks about that rape far to often, where I see his face above me and feel the pain as he forced me to do what he wanted, my therapist beleives it may be because of the violence used, this man hit me many times during the assault whereby my step fathers didn't really.. yes they hurt me but they didn't hit me when raping me? Does that make any sense to anyone? because it makes no sense to me at all right now! but I need to work out for myself why this one incident plays on my mind so much, why I can't seem to let it go, is it because I didn't report it? I didn't tell anyone at the time? and now its to late? as I can't even remember his name? even though we lived in the same building for almost two years?? I can't write anymore tonight.. its just to painful.. maybe another day! maybe??

Well yet again another week has passed, its not been an easy one again. I'm back at work after being off sick for a week and its been very tiring for me, getting back into a routine of working after so many years out isn't that easy but I will do it because I am determined to support myself by myself no longer will I rely on anyone to look after me!

I had therapy again on thursday this week, and my god was it a tough one? This week we went through more of the poems in my book and just my luck we reached some of the harder ones, very hard for me to read silently let alone out loud! But I did the best I could and I guess thats all that can be asked of me!

The first one this week was quite easy to read I guess it is called 'My Story' and is a short version of events in my life; Here it is, what do you think? easy to read or hard?

'MY STORY'

I've written my story, for all to see,

One thing is clear, It's all about me!

The hard times, the troubles, worries as well,

Do you have the same experiences to tell?

The shouting the screaming, how we tried,

No matter what we did, we often cried.

Get beaten for the slightest mistake,

Jokes or liberties, we couldn't take.

Made to do daily chores,

To our school friends, we were bores.

But! if we didn't do as HE said,

Get a beating, then sent to bed.

For Eleven years I endured his rage,

It's clearly written on every page.

Got away as early as I could,

To his dismay, But I knew I would!

This is clearly about me escaping from the childhood home, which I managed to do at the tender age of just 16yr old, it wasn't easy being out on my own but was much better than being there getting beaten and raped each week. It took one final incident in the february of 1976 to give me the strength to say no more! he won't hurt me like that again, so I ran away and hid when he came looking for me no way was going to go back. Another poem I read to my therapist was one that no doubt all survivors ask and wonder, its simply called;

'WHY'

Why did it happen? why did they chose me?

How come no one noticed, I needed to be free.

My life as a child, was a living hell,

But there was no one around, that I could tell!

School friends, some noticed, something was wrong,

I tried to tell them my story so long.

But they wouldn't listen, didn't want to hear,

Their nice cosy families incredibly near.

One by one all my siblings left home,

Leaving me there, with him all alone.

Then that day In Eastbourne, he came after me,

But he didn't care, I was ill, can't you see?

Ten O'clock in the morning, Mum went to the shops,

My god! How I shouted at him to stop!

He was so callous, ignoring my pleas,

He just didn't care, care about me!

He threatened to KILL my Mum if I told,

Fear in my Heart she'd never grow old.

So I kept the secret, hidden so deep,

It only came out, at night in my sleep!

This one was my way of trying to say that I was having nightmares, flashbacks and not coping very well with the memories of what had happened to me in the past, it wasn't an easy time for me to endure but I did get through it, I did survive it and now I have to survive the pain as I work through it all and take back the control over my own life.

We read through a few more poems on thursday and on one my therapist admitted to me that she found it very hard to read, she had a lump in her throat and a tear in her eye as she read the words I had written.... There are poems in here that Make grown people cry, where I try to explain the pain suffered by a child being abused.. one in particular that the therapist liked and said moved her particularly was one called' You NEVER Listened' This one I feel many children today unfortunately could still say... because NO One listens to children, claiming they don't know what they are talking about, or they're making it up? But think for a moment, would a child of 6 or 7 know about the details of full sex? unless they had either seen it or experienced it? either way if they know they ARE being abused somehow so please listen to them and let them know you are hearing them.. I wasn't heard as a child but now am determined to be heard as I tell my story here! I hope that there aren;t any children out there today who could say this poem, but I know there are, do you know such a child? if so please listen to them NOW!

'You Never Listened'

You never said you loved me,

Never said you even cared.

The love I saw you give to him,

With me you Never shared.

You let Him beat me everyday,

You let him shout and scream.

I wanted to run away each day,

But of that I could only dream.

When it came down to the meal times,

You let him force me to eat,

You never really cared for me.

Was it such a mean feat?

Was I such a difficult child Mum?

That you couldn't show me love?

I used to sit and pray Mum,

To that Jesus up above.

But it never made a difference,

He didn't hear my plea,

He just sat on the fence Mum,

Ignoring 'little me'.

An abused child feels so alone in this big world that it is up to us all to change that, its up to every decent human being to make things right again, to STOP THE ABUSE, To Stop the Abusers getting away with it anymore.. plead with the law in your country for stiffer sentences for Child Abusers, make sure they know we will NOT tollerate their whims, it IS NOT NATURAL FOR AN ADULT MALE OR FEMALE TO HAVE SEX WITH A CHILD! And please no one tell me they are ill, that is obvious to me as I have been that child! and I know from my experiences the damage that it does to that child as they grow up. Many will say with a little help the child wil forget? No they will never forget, they supress the memory and as they become adults and are away from the situation it all comes flooding back to them and causes years or pain and heartache, I know that one also as I live it no every day as do many people that I talk to on line... PLEASE LETS ALL TRY TO STOP THIS HORRENDOUS CRIME NOW, BEFORE ANOTHER CHILD HAS THEIR LIFE RUINED THE WAY MINE HAS BEEN..