Ok so its been almost three weeks since I've written anything in here!

The reason for that being that I have had a lot going on recently, mostly had family problems with my brother suffering renal failure and being really sick in hospital, he is in desperate need of a kidney and pancreas transplant else we risk him losing his life very soon. Also along the same time my sisters partner had major surgery and I was there supporting my sister as there was doubt if her partner would make it through! But she did.. thankfully..

Through all that I have still continued going to therapy to help me deal with my own problems from my past, we've been working through my poems as I think I've said here before and some of them are really hard to read for me, and some even harder to hear read out! but I've persevered as I feel in the long run it can only help me to deal with my demons. Today I went along at the appointed time and expected to be continuing from where we left of last week, but I was wrong! today we didn't even open the book?

My therapist started straight away asking me how I was feeling today? what had been happening for me since we met last week? I told her not much had changed really and she asked me if there was anything in my past that I was still hiding? that I'd told no one about, I had to admit there were a few things, but being aprehensive that she would try to get me to tell her what they were.. I mentioned there was one thing that my sister had mentioned to me a few weeks ago that I'd been hoping she had forgotten, thankfully, I wasn't asked what it was as there would be no way that I could tell her, its just far to painful even for me to think about, she asked how I reacted when my sister brought it up and I told her that I'd told my sister 'I can't talk about it'.. thankfully my sister didn't push it and the subject was changed.

She then asked me if there were other things that I can't talk about and I admitted there were! So she started by asking me about My step father (2nd) Fredrick Dorrell.. and what he did to me after my Mum passed away! she asked me to try and talk to her about events leading up to that and after, so I told her that he'd been married to my Mum just three months when she died following a triple by pass operation, this was in the year that we, my siblings and I were preparing for the court case against our first step father for the abuse we suffered at his hands as children.. after Mum died I still saw Fred, my husband felt sorry for him so used to invite him for dinner each week. That wasn't so bad initially I felt it my duty to keep an eye on him for my Mum, we went to court and got our conviction against my first step father in the October of that same year..

By christmas Fred was saying how he needed a holiday and asked my husband If I could go along to keep him company, my husband said yes it would be alright, so we planned to go to cyprus as I knew the area having lived there for 3yrs previously.. April 2nd we flew out for 2weeks.. what happened there is not something I wish to write about in detail here just now, but to say he abused me like the others would explain it really.. I told no one, my husband cared so little he didn't notice the changes in me when I got home, he didn't question why everytime he invited Fred over I'd sit there barely saying anything, never wondered why I would try to make excuses for him not to come across? anyways for years I endured having him in my home each week, right up until my husband left me and I could decide for myself who came over or not. Who I let in or not!

Occassionally he would come over to 'see the children' but unless someone else was in the house I would pretend to be out. After putting up with this for many years I moved away, one to get away from my EX husband who was still trying to control my every move and another to get away from Fred, I thought putting miles between us would mean I didn't have to see him anymore! all was great for a few years, then suddenly he turned up at my house saying he'd got my number etc from my sisters, they like everyone else didn't know what he'd done to me in cyprus.. so I can't blame them at all.. they know now though and would happily tell him so if he ever tries to contact me again..

After suffering weeks of him calling me at all hours and me having flashbacks about it all, I finally had to tell someone what he'd done, I chose a friend on line someone I knew I could trust who was also a long way away, in fact she was in Norway! so there was no chance of her meeting him or saying anything, one night when on skype to her he called me again at 1am.. he knew I'd be home at this time and would answer the phone rather than let it wake the boys! This was the final straw I knew I had to do something before I cracked up, I couldn't handle the pressure he was putting me under, so I told my sisters what had gone on! One of them said to me 'if he calls again let me know and I'll talk to him' not sure what she meant at the time, but when he did call again the next day I told her immediately, she came up to my house and said she was going to call him. She got him on the phone and told him to stop calling me she knew what he'd done to me in Cyprus and was appalled at him! he naturally denied having done anything wrong at all, typical of ABUSERS they don't see it as wrong! the fact that they hurt people and make them feel their life is over, isn't wrong??? How! He told us he was dying, so I took the phone and told him 'to hurry up and die' he said he missed our Mum, so I told him 'she would turn in her grave if she knew what he'd done to me'.. again he denied doing wrong, as If I wanted him to rape me? DID I ASK HIM TO GET INTO MY BED WITH ME? no I bloody well didn't! I HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID THAT DAY! AND ALWAYS WILL..

My therapist asked me if I'd ever written a letter to him telling him of the damage he's done to me, and I said no I hadn't, she thinks it may be a good idea for me to do it sooner rather than later. She aske dme to imagine him sat in the room with us, right then and describe him to her which I did saying he'd be about 70 odd years old by now and white hair, rather large in build and taller than me, she listened whilst i described him to her and then she reminded me that he is not a big strong man at all, any man who can do that to a woman is just a 'bloody coward' he felt the need to have sex that day, and rather than be decent and go without he took it from me! Because of his lack of willpower I have suffered years of anguish and pain, years of nightmares and flashbacks and now its time for me to move forwards with it, the only way she thinks I'll be able to do that is to write to him just what effect his actions have had on me as a person, how its affected my life then and now and hope that maybe I can make him regret even for a moment what he did that day, maybe he will even admit he was wrong? though I doubt it somehow..

So my home work this week is to try and write him a letter, explaining how he has made me feel all these years, as she said many listen to the stories of the victims but who listens to the abusers apart from the victims? Who is there to educate them in realising that what they do, or did is WRONG? Maybe its time one by one for all victims to make the abuser see the damage they really cause, the heartache and pain, the effects on what could be a normal family life, the pain that is passed to the next generation because of what Mum suffered!

That is why I write this blog, to make people realise the damage caused BY ABUSE, to hopefully waken up closed eyes and minds to what the victim goes through many years later, its not the case that once you get a conviction you can forget, because you never do, you just have to try and live with the knowledge that you've been violated against your will, hurt by someone generally that you beleived you could trust and then left wary wondering who else in life is going to hurt you the same way? Hopefully in my case it will never happen again, but who knows???