Well yet again another week has passed, its not been an easy one again. I'm back at work after being off sick for a week and its been very tiring for me, getting back into a routine of working after so many years out isn't that easy but I will do it because I am determined to support myself by myself no longer will I rely on anyone to look after me!

I had therapy again on thursday this week, and my god was it a tough one? This week we went through more of the poems in my book and just my luck we reached some of the harder ones, very hard for me to read silently let alone out loud! But I did the best I could and I guess thats all that can be asked of me!

The first one this week was quite easy to read I guess it is called 'My Story' and is a short version of events in my life; Here it is, what do you think? easy to read or hard?

'MY STORY'

I've written my story, for all to see,

One thing is clear, It's all about me!

The hard times, the troubles, worries as well,

Do you have the same experiences to tell?

The shouting the screaming, how we tried,

No matter what we did, we often cried.

Get beaten for the slightest mistake,

Jokes or liberties, we couldn't take.

Made to do daily chores,

To our school friends, we were bores.

But! if we didn't do as HE said,

Get a beating, then sent to bed.

For Eleven years I endured his rage,

It's clearly written on every page.

Got away as early as I could,

To his dismay, But I knew I would!

This is clearly about me escaping from the childhood home, which I managed to do at the tender age of just 16yr old, it wasn't easy being out on my own but was much better than being there getting beaten and raped each week. It took one final incident in the february of 1976 to give me the strength to say no more! he won't hurt me like that again, so I ran away and hid when he came looking for me no way was going to go back. Another poem I read to my therapist was one that no doubt all survivors ask and wonder, its simply called;

'WHY'

Why did it happen? why did they chose me?

How come no one noticed, I needed to be free.

My life as a child, was a living hell,

But there was no one around, that I could tell!

School friends, some noticed, something was wrong,

I tried to tell them my story so long.

But they wouldn't listen, didn't want to hear,

Their nice cosy families incredibly near.

One by one all my siblings left home,

Leaving me there, with him all alone.

Then that day In Eastbourne, he came after me,

But he didn't care, I was ill, can't you see?

Ten O'clock in the morning, Mum went to the shops,

My god! How I shouted at him to stop!

He was so callous, ignoring my pleas,

He just didn't care, care about me!

He threatened to KILL my Mum if I told,

Fear in my Heart she'd never grow old.

So I kept the secret, hidden so deep,

It only came out, at night in my sleep!

This one was my way of trying to say that I was having nightmares, flashbacks and not coping very well with the memories of what had happened to me in the past, it wasn't an easy time for me to endure but I did get through it, I did survive it and now I have to survive the pain as I work through it all and take back the control over my own life.

We read through a few more poems on thursday and on one my therapist admitted to me that she found it very hard to read, she had a lump in her throat and a tear in her eye as she read the words I had written.... There are poems in here that Make grown people cry, where I try to explain the pain suffered by a child being abused.. one in particular that the therapist liked and said moved her particularly was one called' You NEVER Listened' This one I feel many children today unfortunately could still say... because NO One listens to children, claiming they don't know what they are talking about, or they're making it up? But think for a moment, would a child of 6 or 7 know about the details of full sex? unless they had either seen it or experienced it? either way if they know they ARE being abused somehow so please listen to them and let them know you are hearing them.. I wasn't heard as a child but now am determined to be heard as I tell my story here! I hope that there aren;t any children out there today who could say this poem, but I know there are, do you know such a child? if so please listen to them NOW!

'You Never Listened'

You never said you loved me,

Never said you even cared.

The love I saw you give to him,

With me you Never shared.

You let Him beat me everyday,

You let him shout and scream.

I wanted to run away each day,

But of that I could only dream.

When it came down to the meal times,

You let him force me to eat,

You never really cared for me.

Was it such a mean feat?

Was I such a difficult child Mum?

That you couldn't show me love?

I used to sit and pray Mum,

To that Jesus up above.

But it never made a difference,

He didn't hear my plea,

He just sat on the fence Mum,

Ignoring 'little me'.

An abused child feels so alone in this big world that it is up to us all to change that, its up to every decent human being to make things right again, to STOP THE ABUSE, To Stop the Abusers getting away with it anymore.. plead with the law in your country for stiffer sentences for Child Abusers, make sure they know we will NOT tollerate their whims, it IS NOT NATURAL FOR AN ADULT MALE OR FEMALE TO HAVE SEX WITH A CHILD! And please no one tell me they are ill, that is obvious to me as I have been that child! and I know from my experiences the damage that it does to that child as they grow up. Many will say with a little help the child wil forget? No they will never forget, they supress the memory and as they become adults and are away from the situation it all comes flooding back to them and causes years or pain and heartache, I know that one also as I live it no every day as do many people that I talk to on line... PLEASE LETS ALL TRY TO STOP THIS HORRENDOUS CRIME NOW, BEFORE ANOTHER CHILD HAS THEIR LIFE RUINED THE WAY MINE HAS BEEN..