Two weeks have passed since I last wrote in here, it's been a very busy time for me with work and such hense why no input! apart from that trying to write how I've been feeling just hasn't been easy so I didn't try!Unlike me really as words are usually my way of getting things out! Sometimes though the words just don't seem to be enough these days and I often end up feeling even worse for writing them than I did before, so been avoiding I guess!

I've still been going to my weekly therapy sessions with my new Therapist, even though she doesn't let me avoid things! When we get to the harder bits and I attempt to change the subject she takes me straight back there and gets me talking, I guess this is a good thing really but my god does it hurt sometimes? For years I've avoided a lot of my issues by burying or ignoring them but I know that doesn't do any good in the long run as they just keep rearing their ugly heads again at some point in the future, so Talking about them in therapy, a supposedly safe setting is meant to be good for me? If its so good for me then why does it hurt so fucking much? Why do I end up feeling so drained and fragile?

These past couple of weeks we've been talking about my second step father and what he did on holiday in Cyprus! Something that bothers me a lot as I truely beleived I could trust him, hense why I agreed to go in the first place. I soon learnt that he was like most men, untrustworthy and a user! someone to cause me more pain and give me yet another story to tell. Something I will have to live with for the rest of my life I guess, I can't undo what he did, I can't take it away and pretend it never happened so I have to try and deal with it just like everything else!Back in 1982, just months after my mum had died and we'd been to court with my first step father over the abuse he caused us all, (my siblings and I) the second step father said he needed a holiday, like a fool I agreed to go with him to Cyprus for 10 days, I knew the island as I'd lived there for three years with my husband when he was in the army, the biggest mistake of my life! for years I told no one, after we came back I tried to lose myself in everyday life covering up what had happened.. My husband didn't know I couldn't tell him because I knew he would find a way to somehow blame me, I knew he wouldn't understand at all by this time though he knew about my childhood and what I'd been through, but still knew deep inside that I'd get no support from him at all. So I kept it quiet as I'd done with all the other stuff for many years, I was by now an expert at keeping things quiet, like so many other survivors I found my own coping techniques and lost myself, whenever I started to have memories about it all, I'd distract my head, do something else that required me to think about other things, I wouldn't allow myself to recall details about what he'd done.
Now looking back I often wonder how my husband didn't realise something was amiss? How did he not see that whenever this man came round the house, (which he did every week, because my husband invited him over for dinner) I would withdraw into myself, become very quiet and do everything possible not to be alone with him! For someone who claimed he loved me not to notice the change in me after that time has shown me now that he didn't really care at all! After my divorce I still had to contend with his occassional visits, he would pop over to see the kids? I couldn't tell them either they were to young to understand so often I'd pretend to be out when he came.

Many years later I moved away from the area and finally beleived that I could now not have to see him, but that wasn't to be. My Sisters not knowing what he'd done gave him my house and mobile number and he started pestering me with calls and surprise visits, I was cracking up, shaking everytime the phone rang, wondering if it was him, I confided in a friend on line and told her what had happened, she was great supportive and full of advice as to what I could do, but in the end I had to confront him over the phone to put a stop to it all! I remember that day very well, I'd told my sisters about two weeks previously exactly what had happened with him, they were shocked but didn't seem surprised at all? Which even now gives me reason for concern? had he tried something with either of them? I still don't know! He had started calling me at home late at night when he knew I'd be home, very late in fact when the boys would be sleeping, 11pm or later sometimes, I was a wreck. One particular night it got so bad that I had to disconnect and turn off all my phones so he couldn't get through, but he'd leave messages on my answer phone, telling me he was coming to visit etc. Finally one of my sisters saw the effects that these calls were having on me, I wasn't sleeping properly and looked a complete mess, I lost all confidence in myself at my ability to keep safe from him so she suggested next time he called to let her know, she didn't have to wait very long just the next day he left a message on my phone whilst I was out shopping with the kids. I called her and she came up, we decided to call him and tell him to LEAVE ME ALONE!.. I wrote a poem about it which explains what happened that day!

His Call!!

His Phone call came again tonight,
Out of the blue, gave me such a fright!
I heard his voice, I couldn't speak,
Felt so mild, felt so weak!
Why did he call again today?
I didn't wait to hear him say.
I pushed cancel, hung up on him,
Cause he was the one who'd committed SIN!
But, he called straight back, to talk to me,
What is it that he can't see?
My friend was there, she answered him,
Told him straight, 'I was not in'!
I started shaking, crying to,
What is it, that I need to do?
To get him now! to LEAVE ME ALONE,
Never to call me on the phone,
ALL my phones are now turned off,
Don't want to talk to him, had enough.
Don't want to see, or hear from him,
One day soon, I'm gonna win!.

His call Again!

He called again today, at four twenty one,
My sister made him wish, he had never done.
I was not there at the time of the call,
But he didn't know, I'd told it all.
I heard his message at four forty three,
Called up my sister, she came round to me.
She dialed 1471 on my phone,
Got his number, he wasn't at home!
She called him back at four fifty two,
Told him she knew what I'd told you.
What went on when we were away,
The memories I wished had gone away.
I called him names, they were not kind,
My sister she told me, she didn't mind.
He claimed he loved me, and my mum,
I reminded him, of what he'd done.
He said 'he didn't remember that day',
Or what he'd done when we were away!
As I expected, he denied it all,
But she told him, NO MORE TO CALL!
I called him a 'pervert' said 'Leave me alone'
Never again, do we want him to phone,
I hope he got the message, loud and clear,
Told him, 'STAY AWAY, NEVER COME NEAR'.

I clearly remember those days, and how I felt, lost, alone, trapped, isolated and fearful of going outside in case he turned up. But thankfully from that day to this I never heard from him again. I don't even know if he is alive or dead and to be honest I don't care! heartless though that sounds he put me through so much for all those years that I just don't care, if he is dead I hope he had a painful death, then maybe he could somehow relate to the pain he caused me. If he is still living then I hope he is very unhappy and lonely just like I was for many years because of what he did! I tried to talk about how he had made me feel with my therapist, and wow was it hard! I can truely say that I hate him though somewhere deep inside me is the thought that maybe I would like to confront him face to face and ask why? not that I'd get the answer I need to hear, he would most likely just deny it again, but I can live in hope can't I? that maybe one day I could ask the question of someone who abused me and get a decent truthful answer. I know it will never happen because ABUSERS don't think they do anything wrong, but let me assure you their whole being, their whole lives are wrong! what they do is wrong! there can be NO JUST REASON for any human being to Abuse another and anyone who does is just the lowest of the low! they deserve to rot in hell! and I hope they do!