Well it's been a week again since I was last writing in here!

This week I once again had my therapy session, it angers me so much that I and many victims of abuse have to find our own therapist and pay for it out of our hard earned money! we do nothing wrong yet we have to pay ourselves to get the help dealing with the pain and heartache caused by it all? Why is that?

The Abuser gets everything handed to them on a plate, first of all they get their victims, usually young or vunerable women who can't stop them! Then when we feel strong enough to report them if we ever do, they get sent to prison and generally get courses etc to help them understand what they did WAS wrong, and councelling to try and prevent them re offending? BUT! The victim is left to deal with it all alone unless they can afford to pay privately to get help... THAT IS SO DAMNED WRONG..

I know many victims who can't afford to go private and they struggle to come to terms with what has happened to them, I did myself for so many years.. luckily now I am in a position to be able to get therapy privately and try to help myself.. My doctor sent me initially to a so called therapist who admitted to me that she had no idea how to help abuse victims?

It seems doctors and health officials in this country receive just a half day of 'training' about Abuse and how to deal with the victims.. no where near enough not by a long shot! It makes me so mad... the type of things that get said to victims along the lines of 'get over it', 'it's in the past, forget it and move on', put a lid on it'.. forget about it' etc etc etc.... If you've never been there, it is so hard to understand the complex problems it can cause to us.. many survivors abuse themselves, end up in abusive relationships and end up being abused again and again, because they are drawn to that type of person unknowingly because they don't know anything different. The cycle then continues onto the next generation, like it did in my family!

I was one of those people until a few years ago, when I suddenly realised on talking to a friend that my marriage had in fact been abusive, ok he never hit me, but he did abuse me mentally and emotionally by controlling my every move.. I realised it was time to break the cycle once and for all... and after months of torment I think I have finally done just that.. but not everyone can do it, for some they just aren't strong enough and will live most of their lives being abused as my mother did before me..

Today in my therapy session we talked about me taking my first stepfather to court, the emotions it brought up and the type of questions asked of me by the judge? I remember standing there in the witness stand being asked how my abuse as a child had affected the sexual side of my marriage, I couldn't refuse to answer.. I was under oath so had to tell the truth.. sex in my marriage was often very difficult for me to cope with, and as he didn't really give a damn about me he wasn't prepared to try and understand.. so it often led to arguements and fights about why I'd say no! Why I couldn't cope with certain things or do certain things most people consider normal within a marriage.

Even after I'd been abused on holiday by my Second Step Father my so called husband didn't notice the change in me, I became withdrawn and sullen, moody, irritable and not that nice to be around, but he never asked me why? If he had I don't know if I'd have told him, as he would most likely have blamed me anyways.. we talked about a poem I'd written called 'Horror' it was about my feelings towards my second step father about what he did..

Horror!!

Shock, surprise, horror, hell!!

I thought I knew you really well?

You EVIL BASTARD, made me cry,

Could I please ask you why?

After all you knew, what I'd been through,

I'd never have thought that of you.

I'm sitting here now, writing this,

You certainly knew, how to take the piss!

I still can't beleive what you did,

By this time I wasn't a kid!

A thirty two year old mother of two,

I somehow thought, I could 'trust' you.

I woke to find you by my side,

God! you knew I hadn't lied?

Mum told you the truth, about my past,

If you were unsure, you could have asked.

But on that day, you were just as bad,

As the man I used to call my Dad.

You did to me, just what he'd done,

My life now ruined, can't have no fun!

I still find it very hard to believe that someone who is supposed to care about you can hurt you in such an evil way and not feel any remorse for it afterwards. This man carried on as if nothing had happened, he claims he did nothing wrong at all? So having forced sex with your step daughter is ok eh! NO IT BLOODY WELL ISN'T ok... it's wrong and always will be. Any man who can do that to a woman no matter who she is, related or not is nothing more than a COWARD in my books.. if a man has to force himself on anyone then he is not a man in my eyes, he is the scum of the earth and belongs in prison where all the scum should be..

Can anyone reading this tell me why these people do this evil to another human being? because I'll be damned if I know the answer to that, and somehow doubt I ever will... Today re-living these feelings and remembering those thoughts was very hard but in order to deal with them its something I must do.. but why should I have to pay? Why isn't this free to victims? why are we not compensated to provide the money for this? So many questions and no answers.. I GIVE UP!!!