Therapy today!

Well... todays session was pretty hard, we talked about when I finally told my siblings that I had not only been abused by our step father but had also been raped at 19 and again at 32 by our second step father.. also about my abusive marriage where my every move was controlled, my every action questioned and everything that went wrong constantly blamed on me!

I first told my Eldest Sister and the one a year older than me, I had been struggling with memories and flashbacks for months and finally a friend suggested I ask for help through my doctor. I had written a poem about everything and rather than just say the words. 'I was abused as a child and adult, and need help' I gave him the poem to read! his comments were simply 'Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know that had happened to you!' 'what do you want me to do?' I told him that I thought some councelling may be useful and he agreed to refer me. After I left the surgery that day my sisters called me, we met up in a local cafe for a coffee and they asked me where I'd been, I told them the doctors as I felt I needed help to deal with my past. I gave them the poem to read. Naturally they both knew about the childhood stuff but neither knew about the rest! the reaction I got from them was not what I expected at all, my eldest sister was shocked and just didn't know what to say whilst the other one sat there and said...'It happened to me last year, I was drugged and raped on a night out, but I've dealt with it now!' AS IF!!!!
I had actually beleived that my own sisters would be supportive and at least sympathetic but they weren't, they reacted as if it was the normal sort of thing to discuss over coffee in a cafe.. The hardest part of all was telling my brother, he had come to visit me and was reading some of my poems, he commented on one of them saying 'shouldn't it be he, not they?' I told him my childhood abuse wasn't all there was.. he asked me 'why hadn't I told him before? and I said I couldn't, I hadn't told anyone, I felt far to ashamed and guilty, I'd felt for many years that somehow the fact it had happened so many times was my fault! even though now I know it wasn't, I'd felt that way for many years. My brother didn't know how to react at all, he got up and walked out....

I felt that he judged me, he blamed me, but it was in fact just that he didn't know what to do or what to say, he couldn't take it all away for me, He couldn't protect me, and he couldn't keep me safe from harm so he walked! we didn't speak at all for nearly three months and that was the hardest three months of my life, we'd always been close him and I and now after telling him what had happened I felt he didn't want to know me any more, I thought he blamed me, when in fact he just didn't know what he could do to help, so he walked away! remembering those feelings today was so hard... I still feel tearful some three hours later...

Next we went on to talk about whats happening in my life today, how was work going etc. I told about how at work I find it so hard to say no when asked to do extra tasks, I also find that hard in my everyday life as well, I was told that its old patterns repeating themselves and only I can break that cycle. I have to be true to myself and stand up for what I feel and what I need, if I am asked to do something that I don't want to do, or don't feel like doing then I and only I can can say no! in the past it wasn't a good idea for me to say no as it always meant trouble for me in the long run, as they say old habits are hard to break! I was enlightened today when she said its ok to say no! no one had every really said it to me that way before, even now as an adult I often say yes to things when deep down I really mean no! but rather than upset anyone I do it anyways but sometimes I feel hurt inside, I don't always show that hurt over the years I have learnt a very good way of disguising how I really feel, as a result people beleive that I am happy to help anyone and because of that people do take advantage and rely on me far more than they need to. I end up feeling as though I have no choices left and for a 'quiet life' go along and do what they want me to do! But it's not right I have to learn to stand up for myself before its to late and I end up destroying my own self esteem.......

I HATE MY LIFE!!..

Its been a pretty tough week this week, with highs and lows, the lows have been caused by a combination of things from work to whats going on around me!

Work has been really tough lately they have been dropping more and more on to me to do, guess thats what happens when you show willing to help others eh!

Just because I can do my job well they beleived falsely that I didn't have enough to do, so decided to give me more work. Nowadays as a result I struggle most days to get everything done before its time to leave for the day, thus making me stressed and moody and sometimes no doubt unbareable to be around? But at work I plod on, the mask from my past firmly in place so no one really knows whats going on for me, one or two people have noticed this week that I've not been my usual chirpy self and asked me why, as usual I reply with 'I'm fine, its just pressure of work ect'.. but underneath I know its a combination of work and what I'm trying to deal with in therapy!

I had my usual session today and was reminded that last week she had asked me to come with an idea of what I wanted to talk about? when she asked me the question I replied with my usual 'I don't know, not sure'! answer.. It is so hard to blatently say I want to talk about the dreams and nightmares I've been having! I want to talk about why I feel the way I do! I want to talk about what happened to me and try to find the missing pieces in the puzzle! Because I've never really spoken about these things before with anyone face to face its hard! I worry about being judged, being critisised, being belittled and feeling worthless... I worry what she would think of me if she knew everything about me! would she judge me? I hope not! But I don't know for sure so I stay silent yet again..
However she seemed to sence things weren't right with me and asked me what had been happening this week, I told her about the stress at work and how they were dumping more and more on to me, she understood when I said I was looking to change jobs as she said it sounded as though they were being unfair in the way they treated me.

Then she asked me when I last had a nightmare or flashback about my past, initially I couldn't give her a day, but admitted it was in the last week, sometimes when I'm at work I seem to get a fuzzy head and space out a bit, I get lost in my own little world where no one can hurt me or get through to me! She told me that was normal for survivors and I said 'it may be normal, but I can't have it happening at work' in my job I deal with a lot of money each day and acuracy is vital! How do I stop it happening though? I have no idea. Such a thing happened today, I'd been busy all morning and by about 3.30 I had completed my work, I had nothing left to do, so I sat and drifted into my own mind, one of my colleagues noticed that I seemed far away and asked me if I was ok! I came up with a story that seemed to keep her happy, I just said I was planning the weekend in my head as my daughter is coming for a visit! Total rubbish of course but I couldn't tell her in front of everyone that I was sort of day dreaming about my past, it just wouldn't have felt right somehow. So the mask is firmly in place everyday when I am at work.

The only time it can come of is at home and sometimes in therapy! Today my therapist said that she felt I was holding something back, she asked if I felt uncomfortable or unsafe in her room, I told her no I didn't, but my wall was up! a large wall that stops anyone getting to close and seeing the real me behind it! She asked me why the wall was there and I explained that its to prevent anyone getting to close to the real me, she asked what the real me was like? I tried by telling her first how others see me, I've been told that in everyone else's eyes the real me is confident, assertive and certainly not scared of anyone or anything, In reality the real me is timid, shy, reserved and scared! scared of life, scared of being alone again, scared of anything that moves or makes a sound. I allow myself to be manipulated by people and I hate myself! why can't I be how everyone else see's me? People tell me I am attractive but I don't see it at all, they say I am clever and intelligent, but I don't see that either, they say I dress smartly, but all I see is a frumpy woman hiding her real self from the world!

When will I feel confident enough to be open about whats happened to me in the past? When will the day come when I am NOT ashamed to admit that I have been abused to other NON Survivors? Some tell me I have nothing to be ashamed of as my therapist told me today, I did nothing wrong, I didn't ask to be abused or raped, yet it still happened. Why do I feel that everyone will judge me? look at me differently, treat me differently? Maybe its because when I have told people in the past they have somehow used it against me as my ex husband did, he soon learnt what makes me tick so to speak and used it to his benefit, to control me! I never want to feel like that again. Afraid to speak my mind and say how I feel so as a result I don't tell people about my past. Some say that I am secretive because I don't talk about things from the past, but what if I did, how would they react? most likely they'd either use it against me or start treating me with kid gloves afraid to say anything to me like has happened before. I don't want that, I just want to be equal to everyone else and have people understand that sometimes I have a hard day when things aren't going so well. I'm only human and have feelings, I can be hurt as much as the next person!
Sometimes even the so called proffessionals like doctors and such don't really understand, only those who have been through it really know what its like to live day to day with the inside knowledge of what abuse does to a person! On a web site that I co run with a friend a member started a thread about what Survivors DON'T want to hear from the professionals as well as a thread about what support we DO need, we are also making a list of what effects can show that a child is being abused, professionals really don't have a clue! the reactions some of us have had when asking for help is laughable, Well if we didn't laugh we'd cry for sure! We've been told to 'put it in a box, and place the lid firmly on' been told to forget etc.. We ALL WISH IT WAS THAT EASY! Proof that they don't understand at all and some don't want to understand because ABUSE shouldn't be talked about? It should be hidden like it was when I was a child, hence why so many ABUSERS get away with it, because NO ONE WILL LISTEN!!!

I feel so angry right now, trying to explain how the abuse has affected me, is hard. I know how it has affected others, my sister for instance became a drug addict and self harmer to block out the pain from the abuse.. only a temporary solution but it worked for her when no one would listen! DO we really want more drug adicts and alcoholics? NO? Then its time to understand what we are really dealing with here, a frightened child trapped in an adults body! desperately looking for a way to get out and tell her story about the pain and heartache she suffered so young in her life!

IS ANYONE LISTENING TO HER???

Seem to be getting more readers on this blog recently? Have I been stricking a nerve with some people, telling it how it really is instead of hiding behind masks and putting on a brave face for the rest of the world?

Life after Abuse of any type can be hard, far to many people believe that a victim can just move on, forget it and get on with life! if only it was that easy, there wouldn't be a need for so many therapists around the world who specialise in Abuse Issues now would there? My Therapist is such a person and she has some useful idea's on how to get past this horrible thing that has affected so much of my life. One move of course sounds so easy and that is to take back the control and make my own decisions in how my life goes from here on in! But it's not that easy to do when all your life you've not been allowed to do that.

She told me today that from here on in it's up to me what I do each day, my choice how my life is lead and what happens to me! It was a strange feeling as I realised she was right once more. I do have the right to make my own choices, if I don't want to do something I don't have to do it. We talked about how so far in my early years of life I had no choice about what went on, she was basically telling me that the Abuse I suffered/endured was 'NOT MY FAULT' I knew that, and have known that for a few years now, although I admitted that for many years I had blamed myself, with the typical 'what if' questions, what if I'd done this, or not done that, would it have made a difference? somehow I doubt it as it wasn't down to me that I was Abused by a total of four different people.

I first started talking about what I'd experienced about 3 years ago, things had come to a head and I was struggling big time with the memories and nightmares, so much so that for weeks at a time I was to scared to try and sleep at night as I couldn't cope with it all. Back then I wrote a poem as my way of dealing with the pain, the poem entitled;

'INSOMNIA'

Insomnnia? Have I got it? How do I find out?

Lay awake night after night, I just want to shout!

Sleeping just three hours or maybe four,

Tiredness knocking loudly, upon my door.

I'm emotionally shattered, physically drained,

Thoughts in my head, permenantly stained.

I'm aching all over, I just want to sleep,

My eyes close for hours, thoughts I don't want to keep!

Images flashing, in front of my face,

Brain working in overdrive, trying to keep pace.

Two o'clock in the morning, the house is all still,

I can't go to sleep, can't do it at will.

So where can I turn now? which way to go?

Will someone please help me? I just want to know!

This sort of explains where I was back then, unable to sleep and if I did the nightmares were horrendous, I'd see the abuse as I slept, I know know it was my minds way of telling me that I was ready to try and deal with sone of it. I'm still not able to talk about it all and doubt I ever will tell the whole story but I need to try and tell the basics if I am ever to move forward. We talked about the type of flashbacks and nightmares that I was having back then and she asked me If they still happen now! I admitted that they do though not as often as back then when it was every night. At the time of these flashbacks happening I was being hounded by my second stepfather as I think I've mentioned in here before, I was getting regular phone calls and him turning up at my house even though I'd moved many miles away.. those calls seemed to trigger something in my head and the nightmares where there with a vengeance. I was asked today by my therapist what the nightmares entailed? though it was hard to say I did the best I could and told her they were mainly about what he had done to me on holiday in Cyprus.

Back then I still hadn't remembered the full extent of it all, I know more now as the memories are coming forward, but then all I'd see was his face in front of me, I'd itch all over my back and sometimes my chest, he was a very hairy man! I'd feel weight and pressure on top of me and no matter what I did I couldn't get away from it. I'd wake crying and shaking and wonder why it had happened, I didn't realise then that he had in fact raped me like the others had done before him. Somehow I had managed to block it out I have no idea how even to this day, but I did! I tried so hard to forget it, but it didn't work... as with many survivors we can block it for a while but eventually it will come back and bite us in the bum so to speak! when that happens as it has for me now, it is so damned hard! Your triggered back to when it happened and you feel the pain again, you feel the feelings you felt at the time and you get as upset and distraught as you did back then! So far this week I have sat in work with bad stomach pains on two different days, I've been told they are 'body reactions' something that happens when your body or sub concious mind remembers how you felt at the time! I admit I don't quite understand it myself, my therapist tried to explain it today and said as your mind remembers so does your sub concious and your body, you can feel the pain physically yet not actually have anything wrong at the time? 'A Body reaction'!

We also talked about support and how did I get support at the time when I first started talking about what had happened. I mentioned to her about the fact that I joined an on line group for Survivors and gained support that way as I didn't have any in real time! I wrote yet another poem about it which I called;

'FAMILY SUPPORT'

Why am I here? I do not know!

My sisters are telling me, I should go.

They say you are no good for me,

But I'm coping better, Can't they see?

They told me 'Others had been hurt much more',

Told me I should 'Shut the door'!

Put the memories away, get on with my life,

Maybe one day again soon, be someone's wife!

They just can't seem to see my pain,

Why, oh! why? Have I told them in vain?

I told them both all the facts,

Their distance proved, just how they'll act!

Still they keep saying, 'forget it move on',

I'm not sure how, Don't want to be wrong.

I know now what I need to do,

Get rid of my demons, Get rid of you!

My Sisters tell me, their there for me,

But constantly stay away from me!

They really just don't know what to say,

So easier for them if they stay away!

So I sit here alone, thinking these thoughts,

Wishing my Family could give me support!

But wishful thinking, I mustn't do,

They'll never be here! I've just got you!

Things haven't changed that much since then, still today my sisters avoid talking about our childhood, rather than try to help me fix together the pieces of the jigsaw they avoid talking about it and tell me to get over it! what the hell do they know? They didn't suffer the sexual abuse that I did as a child, yes they had the physical and emotional abuse, but not the sexual thank god! so it gives that they don't realise how hard it is to move past that. When you have been raped at a young age it stays with you all your life, you can't just forget it! If only I could, life would be easy eh! Support for a Survivor is VITAL.. if we are going to recover enough to have normal relationships in life we need understanding and support, you can't get that today from the proffessionals unless you pay to go private, so family support is very important and when that is non existant as it was for me back then you have to find other ways, mine was to join msn support groups on line, there I found for the first time in my life the support and understanding that had been lacking for so long. Suddenly I found people who understood and knew where I was coming from they understood how hard it is to talk about abuse and how upsetting, they understood the nightmares and flashbacks and helped me find coping techniques to deal with them.. Its down to theose special people on line that I started going to therapy and I'm thankful for that.. Though some are not supportive, I met this one man in such a group who's partner had been abused and instead of supporting her he was pushing her to tell him everything that had happened to her, understandably she couldn't, she wasn't ready and we tried to tell him.. yet again I wrote a poem.. If you know someone who has been down this road you may benefit from reading this one! Its called;

'PARTNERS'

For the partners of Victims of 'Childhood Abuse',

We try to tell them but what's the use?

We need to sort through at our own pace,

This IS our life, it isn't a race!

Don't push us into talking, about it out loud,

We'd mostly prefer, to be one of the crowd!

Don't try to force us, to seek that help,

We'll go when we're ready, you'll hear us yelp.

So if you really care, for the one your with,

Be patient, be kind, please try to forgive!

When we are ready, we will move on,

In time all our demons, will be gone.

We'll never forget, what we've been through,

But with love and support, IT could come from you!

We'll move on to a future, of happier times,

Our memories won't linger, on the tougher times.

So If your partner is a Survivor, be kind and supportive please, help them through with understanding and try to imagine what you'd need if it was you trying to get through such tough memories and feelings... Most of all be there for them eh!