Its been a pretty tough week this week, with highs and lows, the lows have been caused by a combination of things from work to whats going on around me!

Work has been really tough lately they have been dropping more and more on to me to do, guess thats what happens when you show willing to help others eh!

Just because I can do my job well they beleived falsely that I didn't have enough to do, so decided to give me more work. Nowadays as a result I struggle most days to get everything done before its time to leave for the day, thus making me stressed and moody and sometimes no doubt unbareable to be around? But at work I plod on, the mask from my past firmly in place so no one really knows whats going on for me, one or two people have noticed this week that I've not been my usual chirpy self and asked me why, as usual I reply with 'I'm fine, its just pressure of work ect'.. but underneath I know its a combination of work and what I'm trying to deal with in therapy!

I had my usual session today and was reminded that last week she had asked me to come with an idea of what I wanted to talk about? when she asked me the question I replied with my usual 'I don't know, not sure'! answer.. It is so hard to blatently say I want to talk about the dreams and nightmares I've been having! I want to talk about why I feel the way I do! I want to talk about what happened to me and try to find the missing pieces in the puzzle! Because I've never really spoken about these things before with anyone face to face its hard! I worry about being judged, being critisised, being belittled and feeling worthless... I worry what she would think of me if she knew everything about me! would she judge me? I hope not! But I don't know for sure so I stay silent yet again..
However she seemed to sence things weren't right with me and asked me what had been happening this week, I told her about the stress at work and how they were dumping more and more on to me, she understood when I said I was looking to change jobs as she said it sounded as though they were being unfair in the way they treated me.

Then she asked me when I last had a nightmare or flashback about my past, initially I couldn't give her a day, but admitted it was in the last week, sometimes when I'm at work I seem to get a fuzzy head and space out a bit, I get lost in my own little world where no one can hurt me or get through to me! She told me that was normal for survivors and I said 'it may be normal, but I can't have it happening at work' in my job I deal with a lot of money each day and acuracy is vital! How do I stop it happening though? I have no idea. Such a thing happened today, I'd been busy all morning and by about 3.30 I had completed my work, I had nothing left to do, so I sat and drifted into my own mind, one of my colleagues noticed that I seemed far away and asked me if I was ok! I came up with a story that seemed to keep her happy, I just said I was planning the weekend in my head as my daughter is coming for a visit! Total rubbish of course but I couldn't tell her in front of everyone that I was sort of day dreaming about my past, it just wouldn't have felt right somehow. So the mask is firmly in place everyday when I am at work.

The only time it can come of is at home and sometimes in therapy! Today my therapist said that she felt I was holding something back, she asked if I felt uncomfortable or unsafe in her room, I told her no I didn't, but my wall was up! a large wall that stops anyone getting to close and seeing the real me behind it! She asked me why the wall was there and I explained that its to prevent anyone getting to close to the real me, she asked what the real me was like? I tried by telling her first how others see me, I've been told that in everyone else's eyes the real me is confident, assertive and certainly not scared of anyone or anything, In reality the real me is timid, shy, reserved and scared! scared of life, scared of being alone again, scared of anything that moves or makes a sound. I allow myself to be manipulated by people and I hate myself! why can't I be how everyone else see's me? People tell me I am attractive but I don't see it at all, they say I am clever and intelligent, but I don't see that either, they say I dress smartly, but all I see is a frumpy woman hiding her real self from the world!

When will I feel confident enough to be open about whats happened to me in the past? When will the day come when I am NOT ashamed to admit that I have been abused to other NON Survivors? Some tell me I have nothing to be ashamed of as my therapist told me today, I did nothing wrong, I didn't ask to be abused or raped, yet it still happened. Why do I feel that everyone will judge me? look at me differently, treat me differently? Maybe its because when I have told people in the past they have somehow used it against me as my ex husband did, he soon learnt what makes me tick so to speak and used it to his benefit, to control me! I never want to feel like that again. Afraid to speak my mind and say how I feel so as a result I don't tell people about my past. Some say that I am secretive because I don't talk about things from the past, but what if I did, how would they react? most likely they'd either use it against me or start treating me with kid gloves afraid to say anything to me like has happened before. I don't want that, I just want to be equal to everyone else and have people understand that sometimes I have a hard day when things aren't going so well. I'm only human and have feelings, I can be hurt as much as the next person!
Sometimes even the so called proffessionals like doctors and such don't really understand, only those who have been through it really know what its like to live day to day with the inside knowledge of what abuse does to a person! On a web site that I co run with a friend a member started a thread about what Survivors DON'T want to hear from the professionals as well as a thread about what support we DO need, we are also making a list of what effects can show that a child is being abused, professionals really don't have a clue! the reactions some of us have had when asking for help is laughable, Well if we didn't laugh we'd cry for sure! We've been told to 'put it in a box, and place the lid firmly on' been told to forget etc.. We ALL WISH IT WAS THAT EASY! Proof that they don't understand at all and some don't want to understand because ABUSE shouldn't be talked about? It should be hidden like it was when I was a child, hence why so many ABUSERS get away with it, because NO ONE WILL LISTEN!!!

I feel so angry right now, trying to explain how the abuse has affected me, is hard. I know how it has affected others, my sister for instance became a drug addict and self harmer to block out the pain from the abuse.. only a temporary solution but it worked for her when no one would listen! DO we really want more drug adicts and alcoholics? NO? Then its time to understand what we are really dealing with here, a frightened child trapped in an adults body! desperately looking for a way to get out and tell her story about the pain and heartache she suffered so young in her life!

IS ANYONE LISTENING TO HER???