Seem to be getting more readers on this blog recently? Have I been stricking a nerve with some people, telling it how it really is instead of hiding behind masks and putting on a brave face for the rest of the world?

Life after Abuse of any type can be hard, far to many people believe that a victim can just move on, forget it and get on with life! if only it was that easy, there wouldn't be a need for so many therapists around the world who specialise in Abuse Issues now would there? My Therapist is such a person and she has some useful idea's on how to get past this horrible thing that has affected so much of my life. One move of course sounds so easy and that is to take back the control and make my own decisions in how my life goes from here on in! But it's not that easy to do when all your life you've not been allowed to do that.

She told me today that from here on in it's up to me what I do each day, my choice how my life is lead and what happens to me! It was a strange feeling as I realised she was right once more. I do have the right to make my own choices, if I don't want to do something I don't have to do it. We talked about how so far in my early years of life I had no choice about what went on, she was basically telling me that the Abuse I suffered/endured was 'NOT MY FAULT' I knew that, and have known that for a few years now, although I admitted that for many years I had blamed myself, with the typical 'what if' questions, what if I'd done this, or not done that, would it have made a difference? somehow I doubt it as it wasn't down to me that I was Abused by a total of four different people.

I first started talking about what I'd experienced about 3 years ago, things had come to a head and I was struggling big time with the memories and nightmares, so much so that for weeks at a time I was to scared to try and sleep at night as I couldn't cope with it all. Back then I wrote a poem as my way of dealing with the pain, the poem entitled;

'INSOMNIA'

Insomnnia? Have I got it? How do I find out?

Lay awake night after night, I just want to shout!

Sleeping just three hours or maybe four,

Tiredness knocking loudly, upon my door.

I'm emotionally shattered, physically drained,

Thoughts in my head, permenantly stained.

I'm aching all over, I just want to sleep,

My eyes close for hours, thoughts I don't want to keep!

Images flashing, in front of my face,

Brain working in overdrive, trying to keep pace.

Two o'clock in the morning, the house is all still,

I can't go to sleep, can't do it at will.

So where can I turn now? which way to go?

Will someone please help me? I just want to know!

This sort of explains where I was back then, unable to sleep and if I did the nightmares were horrendous, I'd see the abuse as I slept, I know know it was my minds way of telling me that I was ready to try and deal with sone of it. I'm still not able to talk about it all and doubt I ever will tell the whole story but I need to try and tell the basics if I am ever to move forward. We talked about the type of flashbacks and nightmares that I was having back then and she asked me If they still happen now! I admitted that they do though not as often as back then when it was every night. At the time of these flashbacks happening I was being hounded by my second stepfather as I think I've mentioned in here before, I was getting regular phone calls and him turning up at my house even though I'd moved many miles away.. those calls seemed to trigger something in my head and the nightmares where there with a vengeance. I was asked today by my therapist what the nightmares entailed? though it was hard to say I did the best I could and told her they were mainly about what he had done to me on holiday in Cyprus.

Back then I still hadn't remembered the full extent of it all, I know more now as the memories are coming forward, but then all I'd see was his face in front of me, I'd itch all over my back and sometimes my chest, he was a very hairy man! I'd feel weight and pressure on top of me and no matter what I did I couldn't get away from it. I'd wake crying and shaking and wonder why it had happened, I didn't realise then that he had in fact raped me like the others had done before him. Somehow I had managed to block it out I have no idea how even to this day, but I did! I tried so hard to forget it, but it didn't work... as with many survivors we can block it for a while but eventually it will come back and bite us in the bum so to speak! when that happens as it has for me now, it is so damned hard! Your triggered back to when it happened and you feel the pain again, you feel the feelings you felt at the time and you get as upset and distraught as you did back then! So far this week I have sat in work with bad stomach pains on two different days, I've been told they are 'body reactions' something that happens when your body or sub concious mind remembers how you felt at the time! I admit I don't quite understand it myself, my therapist tried to explain it today and said as your mind remembers so does your sub concious and your body, you can feel the pain physically yet not actually have anything wrong at the time? 'A Body reaction'!

We also talked about support and how did I get support at the time when I first started talking about what had happened. I mentioned to her about the fact that I joined an on line group for Survivors and gained support that way as I didn't have any in real time! I wrote yet another poem about it which I called;

'FAMILY SUPPORT'

Why am I here? I do not know!

My sisters are telling me, I should go.

They say you are no good for me,

But I'm coping better, Can't they see?

They told me 'Others had been hurt much more',

Told me I should 'Shut the door'!

Put the memories away, get on with my life,

Maybe one day again soon, be someone's wife!

They just can't seem to see my pain,

Why, oh! why? Have I told them in vain?

I told them both all the facts,

Their distance proved, just how they'll act!

Still they keep saying, 'forget it move on',

I'm not sure how, Don't want to be wrong.

I know now what I need to do,

Get rid of my demons, Get rid of you!

My Sisters tell me, their there for me,

But constantly stay away from me!

They really just don't know what to say,

So easier for them if they stay away!

So I sit here alone, thinking these thoughts,

Wishing my Family could give me support!

But wishful thinking, I mustn't do,

They'll never be here! I've just got you!

Things haven't changed that much since then, still today my sisters avoid talking about our childhood, rather than try to help me fix together the pieces of the jigsaw they avoid talking about it and tell me to get over it! what the hell do they know? They didn't suffer the sexual abuse that I did as a child, yes they had the physical and emotional abuse, but not the sexual thank god! so it gives that they don't realise how hard it is to move past that. When you have been raped at a young age it stays with you all your life, you can't just forget it! If only I could, life would be easy eh! Support for a Survivor is VITAL.. if we are going to recover enough to have normal relationships in life we need understanding and support, you can't get that today from the proffessionals unless you pay to go private, so family support is very important and when that is non existant as it was for me back then you have to find other ways, mine was to join msn support groups on line, there I found for the first time in my life the support and understanding that had been lacking for so long. Suddenly I found people who understood and knew where I was coming from they understood how hard it is to talk about abuse and how upsetting, they understood the nightmares and flashbacks and helped me find coping techniques to deal with them.. Its down to theose special people on line that I started going to therapy and I'm thankful for that.. Though some are not supportive, I met this one man in such a group who's partner had been abused and instead of supporting her he was pushing her to tell him everything that had happened to her, understandably she couldn't, she wasn't ready and we tried to tell him.. yet again I wrote a poem.. If you know someone who has been down this road you may benefit from reading this one! Its called;

'PARTNERS'

For the partners of Victims of 'Childhood Abuse',

We try to tell them but what's the use?

We need to sort through at our own pace,

This IS our life, it isn't a race!

Don't push us into talking, about it out loud,

We'd mostly prefer, to be one of the crowd!

Don't try to force us, to seek that help,

We'll go when we're ready, you'll hear us yelp.

So if you really care, for the one your with,

Be patient, be kind, please try to forgive!

When we are ready, we will move on,

In time all our demons, will be gone.

We'll never forget, what we've been through,

But with love and support, IT could come from you!

We'll move on to a future, of happier times,

Our memories won't linger, on the tougher times.

So If your partner is a Survivor, be kind and supportive please, help them through with understanding and try to imagine what you'd need if it was you trying to get through such tough memories and feelings... Most of all be there for them eh!