Therapy today!

Well... todays session was pretty hard, we talked about when I finally told my siblings that I had not only been abused by our step father but had also been raped at 19 and again at 32 by our second step father.. also about my abusive marriage where my every move was controlled, my every action questioned and everything that went wrong constantly blamed on me!

I first told my Eldest Sister and the one a year older than me, I had been struggling with memories and flashbacks for months and finally a friend suggested I ask for help through my doctor. I had written a poem about everything and rather than just say the words. 'I was abused as a child and adult, and need help' I gave him the poem to read! his comments were simply 'Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know that had happened to you!' 'what do you want me to do?' I told him that I thought some councelling may be useful and he agreed to refer me. After I left the surgery that day my sisters called me, we met up in a local cafe for a coffee and they asked me where I'd been, I told them the doctors as I felt I needed help to deal with my past. I gave them the poem to read. Naturally they both knew about the childhood stuff but neither knew about the rest! the reaction I got from them was not what I expected at all, my eldest sister was shocked and just didn't know what to say whilst the other one sat there and said...'It happened to me last year, I was drugged and raped on a night out, but I've dealt with it now!' AS IF!!!!
I had actually beleived that my own sisters would be supportive and at least sympathetic but they weren't, they reacted as if it was the normal sort of thing to discuss over coffee in a cafe.. The hardest part of all was telling my brother, he had come to visit me and was reading some of my poems, he commented on one of them saying 'shouldn't it be he, not they?' I told him my childhood abuse wasn't all there was.. he asked me 'why hadn't I told him before? and I said I couldn't, I hadn't told anyone, I felt far to ashamed and guilty, I'd felt for many years that somehow the fact it had happened so many times was my fault! even though now I know it wasn't, I'd felt that way for many years. My brother didn't know how to react at all, he got up and walked out....

I felt that he judged me, he blamed me, but it was in fact just that he didn't know what to do or what to say, he couldn't take it all away for me, He couldn't protect me, and he couldn't keep me safe from harm so he walked! we didn't speak at all for nearly three months and that was the hardest three months of my life, we'd always been close him and I and now after telling him what had happened I felt he didn't want to know me any more, I thought he blamed me, when in fact he just didn't know what he could do to help, so he walked away! remembering those feelings today was so hard... I still feel tearful some three hours later...

Next we went on to talk about whats happening in my life today, how was work going etc. I told about how at work I find it so hard to say no when asked to do extra tasks, I also find that hard in my everyday life as well, I was told that its old patterns repeating themselves and only I can break that cycle. I have to be true to myself and stand up for what I feel and what I need, if I am asked to do something that I don't want to do, or don't feel like doing then I and only I can can say no! in the past it wasn't a good idea for me to say no as it always meant trouble for me in the long run, as they say old habits are hard to break! I was enlightened today when she said its ok to say no! no one had every really said it to me that way before, even now as an adult I often say yes to things when deep down I really mean no! but rather than upset anyone I do it anyways but sometimes I feel hurt inside, I don't always show that hurt over the years I have learnt a very good way of disguising how I really feel, as a result people beleive that I am happy to help anyone and because of that people do take advantage and rely on me far more than they need to. I end up feeling as though I have no choices left and for a 'quiet life' go along and do what they want me to do! But it's not right I have to learn to stand up for myself before its to late and I end up destroying my own self esteem.......

I HATE MY LIFE!!..