It was therapy again on friday evening, and this week was harder than it had been in a while. To start of with I had to decide what we talked about, which wasn't easy as normally given the choice I will avoid talking about the past wherever possible as its just to painful.
But I was not allowed to avoid this week, no matter what I said my therapist managed to connect it somehow to my childhood and upbringing. When she asked me 'how did I want to use the session?' I wasn't allowed to say 'I don't know' or 'not sure' so she helped me make a decision which I find difficult as anyone who knows me will vouch for. Decision making is not one of my strong points!

Anyways, not sure quite how it happened but she asked me to name someone who was important to me, I named my best friend in the whole world, someone I met on line and who is now a major part of my life, she helped me initially start talking about my abuse, she has stood by me through thick and thin and is always there when I need her. I was asked 'does she feature in the future'? and I replied yes definately, then asked 'was she in my past'? and I replied no! I've only known her the past three years, so unless that counts the answer is NO!. My therapist then asked me to name someone who I cared about from the past, and I replied 'my mother'! She asked me if I wanted to spend the time talking about her or would that be to painful? I said I'd rather not. So she asked me to name someone else, at which I said my sister Marie.
She is a big part of my life these days, she was obviously in my past and my present and will be in my future as well. Could I name anything of one word that would describe her? To which I replied 'my protector'.. I was asked to explain this and said when we were children, I was bullied at school for many years, yet Marie would always come to the rescue once she found out, she would frighten the bullies away by threatening them with the same behaviour they used on me!
At home she would often take the blame for things that happened to prevent me getting a beating, she had many a beating that she did not deserve because of me, and I'll always feel bad but grateful to her at the same time because of that. She left home as soon as she could at the tender age of just 15yrs, she ran away to escape the beatings and abuse, which at the time I did not know also included being raped by our step father! She got into the wrong crowd as many survivors do and ended up mainlining heroin and doing the drugs scene, as well as excessive alcohol and self abuse. She self harmed by cutting her arms to peices to try and numb the pain she had in her heart caused by what she had been through at his hands! Today her arms are just a mass of scars and its clear for all to see that she has been through some serious trauma's in life. I love my sister and always will no matter what! She is now suffering from hepititusC as a result possibly of shared needles or some sort of transferable drug use. There is no real cure as the medications didn't work for her, its possible that this illness alone could kill her!

I was asked on friday how much of my abuse had I disclosed and was my sister the first one I told? I said the first person I had told about the sexual abuse as a child was in fact my Mum, but not untill I was 30 years old! she asked me why I left it so late and I had to admit it was because she was still with that man. I couldn't tell her before because of the threats he had made to hurt her if I did tell! However once she left him for reasons unrelated I somehow found the courage to tell, mainly because I felt that if I didn't she would go back to him and I couldn't bear that thought. So sat in my car outside tesco supermarket I told her that he had raped me many times as a child, she asked if any of my three sisters had experienced similar things and I told her I honestly didn't know, but we could call them and ask! That night we found out about marie and found out that the other two sisters had thankfully excaped that part of things, there was releif as well as sadness that day as we all had to decide what to do. Marie and I decided he wouldn't get away with it and we wanted to report, Mum supported us all the way and agreed to help wherever she could. My therapist then asked me how much had I disclosed to my mum? if it was a circle and the abuse was the bulls eye how near did I get to that when I told mum? I said it had to only be the basics, no one in my family really knew the extent of it all until about three years ago! even now they don't really know the whole story, its to painful and upsetting to tell them, and far to hard for me to be told by the other two to forget it and move on! Like they seem to have done.
Marie knows its not that easy, she's tried as well as me and still hasn't made it. I told the therapist that the only person who knows most of it is my friend, she knows more than any other person walking this earth, but still she doesn't know it all! so from that circle I beleived that I have maybe disclosed just about to the edge of the outer bulls eye, the nucleas in the middle has never been talked about and I'm not sure yet if I can go there! She said that was normal, it is hard for abuse survivors to talk about it all as its so painful, to talk about it means going back there and re-living some of the pain and heartache I experienced at the time it when happened. I hope one day to be able to be completely open about all of it, I don't know when that will be as yet but I do want to get to the point of being able to talk about it all openly without being a wreck! The therapist asked me what I meant by that statement and I told her that I know other survivors who have ended up having nervous breakdowns and self harming because the memories are just far to painful to manage! I can't afford for that to happen to me, and I won't let it, but in doing so I refuse to allow myself to go back there, the nightmares are to painful now as it is and to have to contend with more is so frightening that I can't handle it just now! Some even end up being sectioned into psychiatric hospitals because it affects them that much. My sister was one of those people for many years, but now thankfully seems able to talk to me at least about some of the things we went through. In fact she has asked me if I would help her write her story along with mine! I have said that I would and we are giving it a go slowly. If we manage to write it all it would be theraputic I beleive for both of us, whether anyone else would want to read it or not I have no idea, but just writing it could be helpful!
I have already published a book of poems about my abuse and although its available on amazon and lulu.com not many copies have sold so far, I have enough now to make a second book and my intention for the new year is to try and get that published.

My therapist asked me if in this book I would disclose more about what happend to me? I said it was possible as I feel it may help others to know they are not alone in what they experience! But I know it could be very painful for me to write, because to write it is accepting that it happened to me! and so far I have been able to almost block it from my thoughts most of the time. Nowadays though as I get my life back in some sort of order I seem to be having more and more thoughts and memories about different things that happened as a child, I clearly recall incidents where a beer bottle was used on me! I know now that I was much younger than the 14yrs that I initially thought, I have dreams of myself wearing a dress covered in flowers, and have recently seen a photograph of myself in that very dress, my sister has it as a part of my late mum's photo collection, I am about 7/8 yrs old! I was advised to try and look through old photos of myself as a child and see what memories they bring up for me, it could be a way of filling in some of the gaps in my past, things I have blocked out for years could come back to me by looking at pictures? I agreed to try it and see what happens if anything.

I now have to decide what we talk about next week at the session, how I'm going to do that I just don't know as of yet, but I have to do it. It feels as though I am stuck in a rut, unable to go backwards but unable to go forwards either and I need help to get through it which is why I am staying in therapy hoping that I get the gumption to move onwards towards my healing. I so want to be able to disclose all that happened, I have said quite a bit so far in this blog about about how he used to force feed me, beat me and my siblings and even rape me, never in detail but enough to make it clear that the abuse was serious. Looking at it from a different angle it is what has made me the person I am today, determined to try and help other survivors get help and be able to talk about it whith others who understand, so why can't I talk about it honestly? why can't I say what he did to me? its not as if it was my fault, I was just a child, but for whatever reason I can't seem to put it down on paper or verbalise it in detail. Maybe that should be my next challenge that I set myself? To write in here as clearly as I can recall exactly what he did! From the age of about 6yrs to 16 yrs when I finally escaped his clutches he put me through hell! he beat me, force fed me and raped me as well as humiliating me and making me lose any self confidence I did have, for that I will NEVER FORGIVE HIM!

I'm going to try and write it all down starting from the next entry in here, so be prepared it won't be easy to read!

Another week has passed and christmas is drawing near! As a Child christmas for me was just a time of more fights and beatings, more abuse and more pain. Nowadays as an adult I try to make it a fun time for everyone around, as many gifts as I can afford and a friendly fun filled day with plenty of food on the table that people like and enjoy.
Unlike my mother I don't make anyone eat food they don't like, I remember quite clearly my christmas's being ruined by being forced to eat Brussel Sprouts and such! I hated them and the thought now makes me feel sick! I allow my children to open presents in their nightwear and before breakfast if they want to.. I have a few memories of opening presents as a child, sitting on my mum's bed in the early hours of the morning.. but we were always made to go back to bed until she decided to get up!

Today in therapy we talked about my being unable to say 'NO', when anyone asks me for help Even if I can't or don't want to do something I won't just say no, I come up with excuses that say I am unable to do it, but never say that no word! I think its because as a child if I ever said no to an adult or anyone else it usually resulted in a beating, or minimum a slap on the face, I associate that word now with pain and humiliation hence just don't say it. My Therapist is going to try over the next few weeks to help me have the confidence to say that dreaded word. I don't know how, but I guess if I have to trust anyone it has to be her! She knows so much about what I have experienced and has worked out that I don't really like myself very much, she asked me what I thought of myself today, and my reply was simply Yuk!.. I would much rather spend time helping others with problems than help myself, I distract from my own pain and memories by taking on board other peoples! she told me thats not a bad thing if done equally, but I don't do it equally. She asked how I look after myself, and I asked her how she meant. I said I do whats needed in that I shower, eat and try to keep healthy, she asked about me having 'me time' and doing things that I want to do alone! and I said there's no time for that now I am working full time. When I am home I have housework, shopping and things to do so time for me has to as and when there is space.
She has asked me to try and put aside at least half an hour everyday, to do something for myself alone! like reading a book, havinga relaxing bath, catching up with friends etc.. I said I'd try but it is near impossible. She told me that If I don't look after myself now no one else will, as an adult its time to put aside other peoples woes and pains and look after myself first, then if there is time left that is when I should help others. Like in my group on msn..

At work today I started thinking about what help is available for survivors of abuse without us having to pay! and I came up with NOTHING! I got angry and in the space of about 5 minutes I wrote this poem;

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

Why is no one hearing our Pain?
The so called 'Proffessionals', Drive us insane!
Wait till your steady, Your on your own,
Not one of them, can we call on the phone!
They never listen, they don't really care,
They don't have the baggage, we all wear.
They'll never understand, me nor you,
Until they're made to walk, a mile in our shoe.
For their sake, I hope that day won't come,
Because 'Abuse' in the past, can't be undone!
We have to learn, to live it each day,
Find our way through, come what may.
From groups on line, and some friends at home,
Maybe someone who'll listen, to our no go zone?
They may understand, all our pain and sorrow,
Unlike the 'Professionals', they'll be with us tomorrow!
Standing abruptly by our side,
As we go down the 'Roller Coaster ride'!

One person in my group answered it already, just ten minutes after I put it up there, her reply said basically, 'Wow, You said it all Kate, and I agree with every word you have wrote.. The only people who do understand and do want to be there with us on the roller coaster is our friends online and at home. The proffessionals don't care or understand because they haven't lived our past'.

This is so damned true unfortunately, another member was told just two days ago that she was unstable and until stable they couldn't offer her any help? Yet now is when she needs it the most, she is struggling with flashbacks and nightmares and isn't coping very well at all, yet the proffessionals turn their backs on her unless she can afford to go privately! Many Survivors like me are just ordinary people, working hard to make a living and living pay day to pay day.. so how are we supposed to get help to get over what happened? People who live through a disaster get free councelling to recover from the trauma yet we get nothing!!!! As usual we are left to deal alone, left to our own devices and if we make it through without having a nervous breakdown then well done to us! The Abuser as I've said before gets all the help they can give, yet they are in the wrong!!

Where is the justice in that I ask you??? WE WANT JUSTICE AND WE WANT IT NOW!!

Another week has passed me by! Time does not stand still whilst we heal from abuse, it just keeps on going and I have to go along with the flow. Regardless of what is going on for me from day to day life has to continue. I still have to go to work and earn money to pay the bills and put food on the table for us all..
I went to my therapy session on friday after work as usual, not to hard a session I thought at the time, but the things it has brought up for me since, leave a lot to be desired! Memories have been flooding back this weekend to the extent that last night, Well at 2am this morning I wrote a poem for the first time in ages! It's entitled ...

'I'm asking why?'

My feelings are valid, to me they are real!

My feelings unfortunately, depend how I feel!

One moment happy, the next can be sad,

As I remember the times that were sad!

Cowering in corners, trying to escape,

Uttering nothing, no sounds I make.

If I stay quiet, me he won't find,

Maybe when Mum's home, she will be kind?

Wishful thinking from a child of just five,

Often wishing, I wasn't alive!

Dreading the moment, when he came back,

Sitting there silently, losing track.

Soon he will call me, 'dinner is ready',

My heart beating faster, got to be steady.

Know if I don't finish, eating it today,

He will force feed me, do it his way.

I'll choke and I'll gag, he'll shout and scream,

which ever way I do it, will not be seen.

Because no one beleives my childhood of hell,

They all thought he was good, he hid EVIL so well!

Now as I remember those painful days,

I clearly recall, ALL of his evil ways.

My feelings plunge to the depths of dispair,

As I look around me, glad he's NOT there!

But the feelings remain, timid and shy,

Scared of that man! Now I'm asking WHY?

I guess this sort of explains where I was following fridays session, Clearly remembering that pain and heartache he caused to myself and my siblings, Often I sit home at night wondering how they deal with the memories? Do they manage to block them out from their lives now? or do they come back frequently as they do for me? One day maybe they will actually talk to me without telling me to move on and forget it! Because I can't forget the most horrible time in my life just because someone tells me to.

During therapy this week I was told it was time for me to realise that I am 'IMPORTANT' I found that hard to hear, because one I don't beleive it, and two I know people more important than me and think I always will. I ask myself, 'what is important about me?' and I don't have an answer ... because all my life I've been told what to do by other people, I have never really had choices, and now at this point in my healing from the past I am being told I can make choices. I'm not used to it!

Even though I have been divorced now for some 10 years or so he still used to try and tell me what to do even though he had left, like a fool most of the time i did what he asked, until about three years ago when I decided enough! he walked away from me so he walked away from the right to tell me what to do.. for once I stood up to him and told him, since then we have had hardly any contact at all which suits me down to the ground.. after all he put me through, even though he knew my past, I can honestly say I hate him! And am better of without him in my life, just as I am better off without my Abusers in my life. I've moved house a few times now and they have no idea where I am.. even better, they can't trace me!! All my siblings know details of what I have experienced and they tell me to move on forget it! I wish I could!

Only one sister really understands because she has been down the same road as I have, with her I can talk about what happened and she really knows the pain I feel, I haven't seen her for a while now as with work committments and such there isn't much time, I know I should make time for her but she lives some 20 miles away and can't come to me because she has health problems.. so its down to me to go her again..

Everyone wants a peice of me recently and I feel totally drained and exhausted, but still people want me to do this, do that, even my own children who are now grown up! I haven't got much else that I can give anyone, its taking all my energy just now to maintain my job and keep going from day to day. One day maybe I will be able to say 'NO' and stand by it? I wonder when that will be?

I found out a week or so back that a young friend of mine is 6 months pregnant, she had no idea? but I could tell when I saw her and jokingly said 'are you sure there's not something in there?' she took a test and it was positive! Now I'm being asked by other mutual friends if I am going to be her birthing partner? as if!! there is no way I can do that, it would be hard enough for me to do it for my own daughter let alone anyone else.. but still the questions keep being asked and everyone expects me to be there whenever they call me? well I can't do it anymore, I've had enough of dealing with everyone else's problems and now its time for me to deal with mine! and deal I will slowly but surely I intend to get there, I have decided this weekend to try and get my book published in the UK and maybe try to get the second one published here as well, a good friend is going to help me with the layout and decisions on how the poems should be placed in there, but I am in need of a title. Thats the hard part! book one is simply called 'A Child's Cry' book two is more about the healing and moving on from abuse, but the title hasn't come to me as yet!!

I'm waffling here now writing rubbish as usual, so going to sign out for tonight. Maybe I'll write more in the week as this just isn't going right...