Another week has passed and christmas is drawing near! As a Child christmas for me was just a time of more fights and beatings, more abuse and more pain. Nowadays as an adult I try to make it a fun time for everyone around, as many gifts as I can afford and a friendly fun filled day with plenty of food on the table that people like and enjoy.
Unlike my mother I don't make anyone eat food they don't like, I remember quite clearly my christmas's being ruined by being forced to eat Brussel Sprouts and such! I hated them and the thought now makes me feel sick! I allow my children to open presents in their nightwear and before breakfast if they want to.. I have a few memories of opening presents as a child, sitting on my mum's bed in the early hours of the morning.. but we were always made to go back to bed until she decided to get up!

Today in therapy we talked about my being unable to say 'NO', when anyone asks me for help Even if I can't or don't want to do something I won't just say no, I come up with excuses that say I am unable to do it, but never say that no word! I think its because as a child if I ever said no to an adult or anyone else it usually resulted in a beating, or minimum a slap on the face, I associate that word now with pain and humiliation hence just don't say it. My Therapist is going to try over the next few weeks to help me have the confidence to say that dreaded word. I don't know how, but I guess if I have to trust anyone it has to be her! She knows so much about what I have experienced and has worked out that I don't really like myself very much, she asked me what I thought of myself today, and my reply was simply Yuk!.. I would much rather spend time helping others with problems than help myself, I distract from my own pain and memories by taking on board other peoples! she told me thats not a bad thing if done equally, but I don't do it equally. She asked how I look after myself, and I asked her how she meant. I said I do whats needed in that I shower, eat and try to keep healthy, she asked about me having 'me time' and doing things that I want to do alone! and I said there's no time for that now I am working full time. When I am home I have housework, shopping and things to do so time for me has to as and when there is space.
She has asked me to try and put aside at least half an hour everyday, to do something for myself alone! like reading a book, havinga relaxing bath, catching up with friends etc.. I said I'd try but it is near impossible. She told me that If I don't look after myself now no one else will, as an adult its time to put aside other peoples woes and pains and look after myself first, then if there is time left that is when I should help others. Like in my group on msn..

At work today I started thinking about what help is available for survivors of abuse without us having to pay! and I came up with NOTHING! I got angry and in the space of about 5 minutes I wrote this poem;

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

Why is no one hearing our Pain?
The so called 'Proffessionals', Drive us insane!
Wait till your steady, Your on your own,
Not one of them, can we call on the phone!
They never listen, they don't really care,
They don't have the baggage, we all wear.
They'll never understand, me nor you,
Until they're made to walk, a mile in our shoe.
For their sake, I hope that day won't come,
Because 'Abuse' in the past, can't be undone!
We have to learn, to live it each day,
Find our way through, come what may.
From groups on line, and some friends at home,
Maybe someone who'll listen, to our no go zone?
They may understand, all our pain and sorrow,
Unlike the 'Professionals', they'll be with us tomorrow!
Standing abruptly by our side,
As we go down the 'Roller Coaster ride'!

One person in my group answered it already, just ten minutes after I put it up there, her reply said basically, 'Wow, You said it all Kate, and I agree with every word you have wrote.. The only people who do understand and do want to be there with us on the roller coaster is our friends online and at home. The proffessionals don't care or understand because they haven't lived our past'.

This is so damned true unfortunately, another member was told just two days ago that she was unstable and until stable they couldn't offer her any help? Yet now is when she needs it the most, she is struggling with flashbacks and nightmares and isn't coping very well at all, yet the proffessionals turn their backs on her unless she can afford to go privately! Many Survivors like me are just ordinary people, working hard to make a living and living pay day to pay day.. so how are we supposed to get help to get over what happened? People who live through a disaster get free councelling to recover from the trauma yet we get nothing!!!! As usual we are left to deal alone, left to our own devices and if we make it through without having a nervous breakdown then well done to us! The Abuser as I've said before gets all the help they can give, yet they are in the wrong!!

Where is the justice in that I ask you??? WE WANT JUSTICE AND WE WANT IT NOW!!