Another week passed and I cope with what life throws at me as usual. My brother is still in the hospital awaiting a transplant, my sister also in hospital and has just been diagnosed with chrons disease.. so a life changing condition for her to come to terms with. But as usual in my family we will deal with whatever life throws at us and get through it.

In therapy today we talked about how much I had actually talked about regarding my past, had I revealed everything to anyone? No.. there are things that are just to painful to go back to and remember, to talk about them with anyone would be very difficult. I was asked why I can't disclose certain things and I admitted it was partly a fear of being judged and partly because I don't know how I will react when I tell, if I do!

We talked about how it was that I decided to start going to councelling, how about three years ago I was suffering horrendous flashbacks and nightmares every day, talking to friends online who understood (as they'd been there themselves) they suggested I ask my doctor for help! although very wary of doing that I took the plunge and went to see him, he was very surprised as he had no idea about my past, he suggested I went for some councelling to see if it would benefit me. That first councelling organised through my doctor was a nightmare. I was terrified and unsure what would happen, I had been told that I wouldn't have to disclose anything that I was uncomfortable with. But to my horror thats exactly what they asked me! when I finally admitted to them that I had been abused as a child and adult they looked at me and said ' Childhood Abuse, I don't think that we can help you!' I'd told them to much already thinking they would help only to be rejected. I left there that day feeling awful..It took me a long time from there on to decide to try again, but thankfully I did as the nightmares were not getting any easier...

The first session with a private councellor was so different, she didn't push to find out why I was there, she asked only basic detail about what I needed help with, it made all the difference to me to be able to continue on my healing journey.. but still now some three years down the line there are still things that I can't talk about, even now with my new councellor she asked me how well I thought she knew me? I said probably about 80% as there are some things that I still have been unable to disclose to anyone.. she has re-assured me that I can tell her anything and she will not judge me.. no matter how bad I think it is I can tell her if I am comfortable doing so.. she has set me some homework this week to try and write down one thing that I happened that no one knows about! She asked me who knows the most and I said it has to be my friend, but I don't think even she knows it all... maybe in time I will be able to tell her, maybe not who knows...

So for the next week I am to try writing down this one item, if I want her to my therapist will try to push me to talk to her as long as I promised to say when it gets to painful for me.. so I want to try it.. maybe this way I will finally be able to put some of my ghosts to rest.. I hope so...