Well.. another week has passed and what a week!

My Brother is poorly again in the hospital awaiting a kidney transplant and now my favourite sister is also in hospital with problems.. it almost feels as though we as a family are being punished for something? What that is I really don't know, but from all my siblings who endured the same abuse I did as a child only one of us can be considered healthy.
I often ask myself the same question, haven't we been through enough in life already? Why does this keep happening, my brother has had diabetes for many years and most of his health problems are as a result of that, my oldest sister has a bad back and finds getting around difficult, another has hepititusC and back problems and is now in hospital with the possibility of bowel cancer!! I have back problems myself as a result of a serious car accident so that leaves just one sister who is healthy, and she is the one that thinks she can tell us all what to do! Just recently I had a big arguement with her as my brother had been admitted to the hospital, she chose not to tell me! saying she thought it best to wait and see how he was before informing me, What the hell gives her the right to decide if I know or not? It's not like I am a child and unable to handle it, I want to know because I care and love my brother more than any of my other siblings.. we are so close. His partner had informed my sister on monday morning but I didn't have a clue until tuesday night when my daughter called me!

I had therapy again yesterday and we discussed this problem at quite some length, my therapist beleives that maybe this sister is jealous of me because I am doing something that she can't do, and thats dealing with my past! She has always tried to tell me that 'it's in the past forget and move on' if only that were possible? Until it's dealt with and talked through with someone who can help and advise you it will keep coming back to haunt you when you least expect it, I found that out the hard way, for most of my life I tried ignoring the thoughts and feelings and put it all to the back of my mind, only to find that it would come up again when I least expected it to, generally when I didn't want it to as well. I could be walking down the road and see someone who resembled one of my abusers and I would freak out! I'd often freeze and be unable to move, standing there shaking like a leaf and just wanting to run, but being unable to do anything. These episodes could last for minutes hours or even days as the after effects would be nightmares and flashbacks about what I had been through.. So about three years ago now I decided it was time to get some help and start dealing with it all, my sister thought I was mad as I pay privately to see someone each week, its the only way, the help is not available for free so those who can't pay are left to suffer week after week month after month year after year! Its not fair is it?

I can't write anymore her just now, getting myself to upset as I remember the dreams of last night, and the pain that I went through, alone then alone now, nothing much changes in my life.. My sister no longer wants to know me because I told her I beleived she was wrong for not telling me about my brother, her loss I guess!!