Another day, yet another week as passed and what a week it has been!

Last weekend was so hard for me, it started on the friday night with an arguement with my friend that ended in me crying until nearly 3am.. saturday morning came and another friend who is staying with us went into labour.. her baby was already two days late.. regular contractions every five minutes and not much happening, by 7pm we were heading fro the hospital only to arrive and be told to go back home, it was to early yet! so a restless night on saturday and by 6.30 am pains getting so strong she needed help and pain releif that we headed back to hospital once more.. by 9am the midwife decided to keep her in until she delivered, so headed home to await news, which finally came at 7.30 pm... she had 27 hours in labour with strong pains and had already had a week of slow labour! poor kid.. she stayed in hospital until tuesday afternoon when she came back here and is staying with us for a week or so whilst she gets back on her feet! So we have a new born baby in the house and the three of us that normally live here! Its lead to not much alone time for anyone, yet I yearn for it!

In therapy today we talked about me getting space to do what I need to do, be that write or just to be alone, I told my therapist that is pretty hard right now as so much is going on, but she insisted that somehow I find a way to get that space for me! I need time to think about where my life is going and how its going to get there! We talked breifly about last week and my mother and how most of my life I have been controlled one way or another, she asked me if I felt that I was still being controlled by anyone? I said 'not really' and she asked what I meant. I told her that my sister does try to control me and my siblings but slowly I am breaking that cycle by refusing to bow to her whims, she told me that was a good thing as I need to be independant at this stage in my life and not allow anyone to tell me what to do, including my siblings! But its so hard to break lifelong habits that I'm not sure how far I will go for fear of losing my family! Even at work at the moment their being controlling towards me, there was an internal vacancy that I applied for but my manager didn't even tell me when the interviews were as she didn't want me to get it! I found out today that they had all happened yesterday? and I've lost out as a result! Its not fair!

I'm so angry about it that I am determined to ask on monday why? am I not worthy of getting a better position and earning a more reasonable salary? I beleive I am and the department where the vacancy beleived I was as well! Yet my manager thinks not? I do my job and I do it well, I have helped out around the department when others are absent doing their jobs as well as my own, yet she stops me bettering myself? I really don't understand!

My therapist today asked me if I'd cried in the last week, after breaking down in her office last week, I had to admit that I have several time but couldn't tell her why! it is a private matter and I didn't feel I could talk about it with her. In fact I've cried several times on one occassion until 3am! although I felt better afterwards it was not necessary really, the reason for the tears could have been avoided so easily yet it wasn't! I guess I was just feeling vunerable and as a result I let the tears go! Sometimes the simplest thing can set me off whereby other times it can take a lot to make me cry, a result I guess of childhood where crying was seen as a weakness! Even now this many years later I feel weak when I cry so tend to lock myself away so no one can see me. One day maybe I will feel strog enough to allow my true feelings to show to whoever is around? when that will be though I have no idea, for now I will continue to cry only in front of a select few that I feel safe with and hide my true feelings from the rest of the world..

Don't be surprised if suddenly in here I start writing about feelings, true feelings of what it was like as a child being beaten and force fed daily, being made to remove my clothes to be hit in front of whoever was there at the time! I recalled some of these memories today and had to fight to hold back the tears again in my therapists office! even though she told me it was safe I didn't feel safe today, knowing maybe that when I got back home there were several people there. I'm used to coming back from therapy to find just my one friend here and she allows me the time I need to calm down, but today I returned to find my young friend and her baby, my daughter and my friend and it was to much for me, so now I am alone in my bedroom writing this whilst they are all downstairs watching TV.. Hopefully they will allow me a bit of me time tonight? I so need it!!