Friday once more, and here I am again!

After therapy each week I find it useful to come in here and write down how I feel the session went, hopeful that maybe it will help others understand just some of the pain experienced by an Abuse Survivor as they try to deal with it all, the only way I have found of dealing with it is by writing and talking it through with people who understand and do not judge!

The biggest thing a Survivor faces is finding someone to talk to who WILL NOT judge them, to be able to be open about what happened to them and feel safe in doing so is very very important. Its not easy these days finding people like that as so many beleive that if a woman is raped for instance she must have asked for it in some way! Maybe by wearing the wrong clothes, skirt to short or top to low for instance!
But that is not true! no matter how you look at it we should all be free to wear whatever we want to without being fearful of being attacked by men, NO man has the right to attack a woman because she wears low tops or short skirts..

Especially when that 'woman' is a child or a minor! how can a child of 7 or 8 years old be 'asking for it' by the clothes they are wearing? I can recall being sexually abused when I was about 7/8 yr old, is there anyway that I could be blamed for that by what I did, said or wore? NO!

The only person at fault there was the man who caused that abuse, the man I used to call my 'step father'. He made my life HELL ON EARTH.. and he is now the only person I blame for all the pain and heartache that I have suffered throughout my life... Today in therapy we discussed some of my earlier memories from that time in my life, I won't go into them here as they are just to traumatic to write down right now, In fact I'm finding the memories really hard to deal with and just telling my therapist some of it today, without the graffic details, of who did what, has made me withdraw into myself once more. I don't want to be around anyone apart from my really good friend who understands what I'm going through. It feels as if they would know what has happened to me in the past and WOULD JUDGE ME, just by looking at me, that somehow they would know and blame me for it!

A while ago I had written a poem about blame, and how not everything that happens is your own fault, I posted it on a poetry site I belonged to and someone replied... 'whatever happens to you in life is your own fault!' I can only guess they had never been abused! But their words caused my a lot of heartache as I was struggling at the time to come to terms with my past! It made me think carefully about where the blame should lie, and who it should lie with. I came up with the only possible answer, THE BLAME FOR ABUSE LIES WITH THE ABUSER.. AND ONLY THE ABUSER! The abused do not ask to be abused, they are just the victims/Survivors who have to suffer the pain and heartache as they try to recover!

One day soon I hope I will be able to write about what they actually did, how they made me feel at that tender age, taking away my innocence and making me feel that somehow it was my own fault because I was such a bad girl! It always happened when my mother was at work or out somewhere and not due home for a while, I would be alone in the house with HIM.. and he took advantage of that time... to Abuse me!!....

Can't write anymore now.. need to calm down................