It's been two weeks since I wrote in here, mainly because last weekend the whole household was sick with the norovirus.

Today when I went to therapy it was hard, because today isn't an easy day for me .. it would have been my mum's birthday today if she had still been with us she would have been 74yr old today! Wow its gone by so fast I almost can't beleive that she has been gone for almost 18 yrs.. there are so many questions that I'd like to have been able to ask her now, at this stage in my life as I am trying to deal with my past I have so many questions unanswered! How do I find those answers? I really don't know. I seem to be missing her more now than I did the first few years after she passed away, I guess because I am attempting to deal with things and so many questions are coming up for me!

Today at work I have felt so sad and down, to the extent that I broke down in tears, not really knowing why or what reason there was for it.. it took me quite a while to calm down again and be able to continue with my day, but I have cried several times today including in therapy this evening, as we talked about what had been happening for me recently. My therapist advised me today that I need to acknowledge how I feel from day to day, to admit to myself that I am sad, happy, depressed, lonely or even unhappy.. by doing that I can then learn to accept that these feelings are normal and acceptable for me to feel and learn how to handle them without upsetting myself more than is needed. It is not a sign of being vunerable or weak to feel sad, or unhappy and often it is needed to enable a person to understand themselves.

For many years I have hidden how I felt, because to admit feelings made me feel weak! a condition that I grew up with I guess. To cry meant weakness and being vunerable to abuse so I didn't ever cry where anyone else could see me! Now as an adult not living in that situation anymore I still find it hard to allow myself to cry in front of other people. In therapy today when I spoke about how much I need and miss my mother the tears welled up and I felt myself trying to stop them, My therapist told me it was ok to let them go and I was in a safe environment but still I couldn't allow myself to let go for fear that I may not stop again before the session was over! again learned behaviour I guess? Something we are going to try and work on in the next few weeks/months to see If I can break the cycle.. somehow someday I hope that I will not feel so vunerable and be able to cry freely in front of anyone if I need to, but I feel that may take quite a long time. But regardless of how long it takes I have to persevere because unless I do I will never be able to move on in my healing.

Right at this time I have to admit that I am struggling with all the stuff going on around me! I am stressed out at work and stressed at home as well, yet in amongst all that I am trying to deal with my issues from the past which are pretty tough just now! I have so many things going on in my head at the moment that I don't know which way is up! I need to learn how to ask for help when I feel like this and let someone in! by telling someone I know I can trust what is going on for me I can get that help, I know who I will be trying to tell but can I do it?? I have never really let anyone into my inner thoughts before, maybe now its time ????