Its two weeks since I have written in here, and what a horrible two weeks it has been! Last weekend was the worst by far in a long time.. my sisters partner had a massive stroke causing her to be paralised down the left side amongst other things, she is still in the hospital and has had another one this morning!! prognosis isn't looking to good right now, but we're hopeful she'll make it..

On top of that work has been so stressful That I have decided its time for me to move on and get another position elsewhere, the sooner the better.. I have been treated like dirt all my life by different people but now as I try to heal myself from it all and get some confidence back, my work are taking it away again.. I can't allow that to happen anymore and its down to me to stop it.. I've tried talking to them to help them see my side of things but all it leads to is empty promises and no change, so decision made I start looking for something new! Now I have some up to date office experience behind me it will hopefully be easier to find something?

I've also continued going to therapy each week whilst all this other stuff is happening and must admit that I seriously think had I not had therapy to go to I would have been a wreck, its been so helpful being able to talk to someone impartial about it all, I never feel that I am judged there and know that I can be as honest as I want to be about whats going on for me personally. Even when it comes to family matters she is prepared to listen to me and make suggestions about how to handle it all. She did however suggest that I stop listening to everyone else and do more for me! including with my own children, she told me today that they are adults now and its time for them to know what I need as a person, when they upset me by their actions she says I should tell them straight why it upsets me and what I expect them to do about it! easier said than done I feel but maybe in time????
Sha asked me today if my children knew about my past and how much they knew? I told her that they had both read my book so knew pretty much as much as she does, although not any details.. she asked me how they reacted and I said they both seemed to understand, my son in fact better than my daughter! I can't go into what she did when she found out not here anyways because its to damned painful, but my son wanted to kill those that have hurt me! and still does.. But thankfully I know he won't because he has no idea where they are thank god!!

Living with an abusive past is not the easiest thing in the world, but it can be done without resulting in my self abuse, and me beating myself up on a daily basis, I've done that before (for years I blamed myself, felt ashamed about what had happened etc)and have no intention of doing it again.. why should I punish myself for something that was never my fault? Though many survivors result to self harming and have eating disorders because it helps them feel in control etc.. thats not really me! Yes I don't eat that well generally one meal a day, but thats because of the way I was fed as a child, food holds very little pleasure for me anymore, but I don't consider it a disorder or a problem I can eat if I want to but I just don't want to! I don't see the point.. I'm healthy enough and don't seem to have any problems due to the amount I eat, so why change what works?? I remember all to well what meal time was like as I grew up and I never want to feel like that again as long as I live!!!!!!