What a week!!

This last week has been quite honestly the week from hell! Work are making things as difficult as possible for me right now, by pilling more and more work on to me and expecting me to complete it all. At the moment they are expecting me to do the job of two people without any help! just last week this young office junior had her set job and now they have given her work to me as well as my own so that she can do data entry! The point of it all being that hers was a full time job in itself in that it took her all day to complete it, so in effect I have been demoted because I dared to stand up for myself at work. They had treid to discipline me for being of sick and I faught them all the way saying not only was it illegal but it was unfair, no one can help being sick! Since then they have been making my life as hard as possible for me by giving me more and more work to do each day. On the odd occassion when I just can't complete it all comments are being made! Today my supervisor actually asked me about some letters that are part of her job, I'd done them the last couple of weeks to help her out and today they had piled up again as I'd not had time to do them this week with all the extra work given to me, when I said I didn't have time to do them she just looked at me as if I was failing in my job! Later on she said she was doing them to help me, but at the end of today when I was about to go home I looked and found she hadn't done them at all.. setting me up for another moaning next week no doubt! I intend to look into the employment laws this weekend as I am sure this mounts up to constructive dismissal, they are making it so that work is now affecting my health and thats not right! If I have a case I may just walk out and sue them... time will tell..

In therapy today, yep its friday once more, we talked breifly about whats going on at work and even my therapist said she could see its getting to me health wise, she said I looked depressed today! what a surprise eh! Then we went on to chat about other parts of life where I have been ordered about and told what to do in the past.. there really was no comparisson though as this is totally different from the past, this is NOW and I'm living it all again.. we talked about a poem in my book that I wrote about three years ago, it seemed so relevant to whats happening now! it's called;

'Your Behaviour'

Took me right back to that place somehow,

Need to remember, it's here and now!

Cried so many tears in one single day,

Feelings all numb, do you feel this way?

I know I've been 'triggered', by what she said,

I remember it all, as I lie here in bed!

One single word, a sentence or two,

Reminded me of, the things that you'd do.

The beatings, the shouting, the temper as well,

My god! I remember it, all so well.

The pain in my back, greater than before,

Memories all clearer, come to the fore.

The times you would force me, to eat all my food,

I'd never do that, I never could.

Remember the humiliation, you put me through,

You wouldn't like it, if it was done to you.

I can't live like my neighbours, safe and carefree,

Can't trust all the people, you did that to me!

So WHY did you do it? What did you gain?

Because of your behaviour, my lifes not the same!

As many will understand from this particular poem, I am having clear memories about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my step father, the way he controlled my every move, my thoughts and emotions, and now at work it sort of feels like they are doing that again to me.. I am having trouble convincing myself that I am not doing anything to deserve it? My therapist told me today that the hardest part will be accepting that its not my fault, just as it was with my abuse.. that took years for me to do and now I have the same hurdle to get over again.. But I will do it! We then went on to chat about my marriage and how I discovered years after it was over that it had in fact been and abusive relationship.. I'd answered questions on a relationship site and out of the 30 questions there I answered yes to 21, that result informed me that it was an abusive relationship and I was better off out of it. But I had spent 19 years of my life with that man, being told what to do daily, being prevented from having my own opinions listened to and being made to feel like I was nothing! at the time although I wasn't particularly happy it was sort of what I was used to, my therapist explained it was a learned behaviour something many survivors have regarding abuse. Because I'd grown up with it all my life I thought it was normal to be treated that way, I didn't seem to see that other peoples marriages were equal in that both parties made the decisions about things, I was used to being told 'do this do that'.. used to being made accountable for my actions and thoughts and having to explain everything I did.. so it didn't seem all that strange at the time.. no though I know it was wrong and I never intend to get myself in that situation again.. Thankfully I am a stronger person now, in some ways and am more able to stand up for what I beleive is right, I have opinions and they deserve to be heard.. but it doesn't take away the pain of days gone by.. it still hurts knowing that people have treated me this way and will do again if I let them.. I have to be strong enough to make sure it doesn't happen, no one else can do that for me.. its up to me!!

Right now, my life stinks.. work is a nightmare that I have to live monday to friday every week and outside of there thankfully I have my friend who is helping me keep my head firmly in place, When I have tough times I know I can talk to her about them but its so hard right now.. finding the words to explain how I feel about whats going on just isn't happening for me at the moment, I have tried writing things down like I used to do as that has helped in the past, but for some reason now I seem to have developed writers block! It seems trivial when I try to say what is going on for me, I know so many others who are having a much tougher time that it feels as if I am complaining over nothing at all, guess I should be grateful that I have a job even though it stinks eh! Maybe I should just put up and shut up like I did in the past at least that way I will get through it even though it will eat away at me and little by little destroy me in the end! I don't know what to do anymore ???

Friday once more, and we continued in the vain of last week as we once again talked about my inability to say 'NO'. I have to admit however that I find it easier nowadays than I did as a child because now I know in my heart that I do have a choice about what I do and who I do it with.

Its been a pretty tough week this week with thoughts from the last session constantly in my mind, remembering things I'd much rather forget has been harder than I expected it to be and as a result I have found myself snappy and moody with those around me! I know its not fair on them but I seem to have little control right now of when the thoughts enter my head ? Even at work this week I have found myself daydreaming and 'spacing' as its often called, when I realise I jolt myself back to reality and have to remind myself that I am no longer in any danger of being hurt! not always easy to do but at work I can at least keep busy to distract my mind.. We talked about how a few years ago all these thoughts were keeping me awake, I was to scared to sleep at night for fear of 'flashbacks and nightmares' I'd sit on line well into the early hours of the morning chatting to a friend in Norway or anyone else who was around, just to prevent having to go to sleep, during that time I wrote this poem.. which I called

'MY NIGHTS'..

Three O'clock in the morning, everyone asleep,

I lay here thinking of the secrets that I keep.

I pick up my paper, pick up my pen,

Start to write down, I remember when!

The memories of my childhood, all coming back,

I wish that I could give, the memories the sack!

But! I cannot ignore them, now I have to deal,

Sort out my memories, they are so real.

Some of them painful, happy and sad,

Some that I wish I never had.

BUt I cannot change, what went on in the past,

I just have to hope, the memories won't last.

I drift of to sleep, about half past three,

No one beside me, it's just little me.

Its not that I want it, Just what I need,

NO man in my life, my happiness I plead!

If nightmares will happen, no one to hear,

Alone in the darkness, alone with my fear.

Wake up, I'm trembling, with tears in my eyes,

But thankfully the children, don't hear my cries.

Seven in the morning, now I'm wide awake,

Creep down the stairs, not a sound will I make.

Stick on the kettle, make coffee for one,

Another day of this torture, memories on the run!

I realise now however that although those were tough days as I first started to deal with my past, the toughest was yet to come, actually talking about individual incidents in therapy was going to be harder than I could have ever imagined it would be, people had told me that it would be tough but I didn't really know quite what they meant until now! Another poem written about that time in my life was called;

'The Nights'

There spinning around night after night,

My thoughts, my dreams recall the fright.

The way I felt when I saw you there,

Next to me naked, without a care.

I need to alter the thoughts in my head,

At least an hour, before I go to bed.

Then maybe I'll have a chance to sleep,

These horrible thoughts, I cannot keep!

You never gave me a second chance,

Not even now, well maybe a glance.

You got sentenced to just nine years,

I got all of my life, to live with my fears.

Didn't you think about what you did?

You were an adult, And I was a kid!

Did you realise what your actions would do?

Of course you didn't, you thought only of you!

I've returned to the town where I grew up,

Here and now I'm no longer a pup.

An adult now, with children of my own,

Some people here know, compassion is shown.

They read the papers, saw just what he'd done,

Said they never realised, what had gone on.

I told them I don't want sympathy here,

They're trying to help me conquer my fear.

Looking over my shoulders, day after day,

There has to be, some other way!

Sleepless nights thankfully don't happen that much anymore as I have dealt with a lot of the things over the past years, I have learnt not to talk about my abuse in detail just before sleeping, hense the power it still holds over me doesn't intrude into the night. I do still waken occassionally in the night shaking and tearful depending on what dreams I have, but its much rarer these days thankfully. We talked today again about the incidents that I find it really hard to talk about, She asked me if I thought I could talk to her about them one day soon and I said that maybe I would I wasn't sure yet, I know deep down that she won't judge me but when it comes to incidents involving siblings its very hard to not feel ashamed or guilty and embarrassed.. as yet she is not aware what the incidents are or who they involve, I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal them to her maybe one day I feel safe enough to tell, who knows?

She has set me some homework again this week, she wants me to try and be honest with myself and only do what I really want to do all week, in other words learn to say 'No' to people, in all situations there are times when you don't say no because you don't want to upset the other person concerned, even though sometimes I feel I should say no I don't! because its harder to say no than it is to say yes! So at times I find myself doing things or going places that I don't really want to go to just because of my irrational fear of upsetting anyone? I wonder why I do that? My Therapist beleives its down to my past and how I wasn't allowed to say no to anyone or anything, If I work on it really hard now In time I may be saying yes for all the right reasons i.e. because I want to! not because I fear upsetting anyone.. and saying no doesn't mean you don't care about the other person it just means that for whatever reason now is not a good time for me! I know it will be hard to do this all week, but I'd like to try it even if only for a few days or so! Time will tell if I succeed or fail!

Today was what was called an intense therapy session, we covered so many different area's of my past that its hard ot know where to start writing about it all.
From what I remember now some 6 hours later it all began with my not being able to say no! As a child the word 'NO' was just not in my vocabulary, and its taken me many years to change that. Nowadays I can sometimes say no, but not to everyone, there are still occasions when I find it a very hard word to say as I hate upsetting people.
We talked about how if I said no as a child I would be punished, and I was asked, was I ever asked 'is there anything you want?' the only time I can recall that question being asked of me was the occasional christmas or birthday, not that I'd get what I had asked for, but it was nice to be asked what I wanted all the same. We then went on to read a few poems from my book, and discussed what made me write them at the time, the first one was called 'TODAY' and was about my first ever experience of going to a councellor for help in dealing with my past. As soon as we'd finished reading it my current therapist asked me if I'd heard of a councelling service called 'options' which is available in the UK. I told her that was who I had seen that day and she said she understood why my experience wasn't a good one. This poem she said explains it very clearly.

TODAY

I went for councelling, after asking for help,

They've left me feeling, I want to yelp!

How dare they treat me the way they did?

Made me feel like I did, as a kid.

The very first session, they asked me it all,

Why am I here? why did I call?

I showed them the poem, I'd shown to the doc,

My heart, my emotions, they did rock.

They talked about me, like I wasn't there,

I still think that, that wasn't fair.

They said to each other, 'Sexual Abuse'?

But! for that we can't help, we are no use.

Then they asked me, my age when it began?

Asked me again, my age when I ran?

I told them from 5years, to 16 years old,

Constantly doing, just what I'm told.

I left that place at 10.15

Wishing their faces, I'd never seen.

Now I feel used, abused once more,

I ran very fast, out of that door.

I didn't know, that there would be two,

After all the tales, I'd heard from you.

I expected it to be one on one,

Now once again feel, like they've had their fun!

Why do they do this? why do it to me?

The pain in my face, there, for all to see.

I don't feel they knew, quite how to react,

Told me, I can only go thrice, thats the pact.

For any survivor of abuse taking the step to get help dealing with it all is a big issue, we need to learn to trust first and formost before revealing anything detailed about what we have experienced in life, and as you may imagine this caused me to have a major upset and meant that I didn't try councelling again for many months. Only then after some friends convinced me that they are not all like those ones. After that experience I was traumatised again, I started having major flashbacks and sleepless nights. On one such night I wrote a poem to try and explain how I was feeling.. I called it ..

'MY THOUGHTS'

What's going on inside my head?

Like everyone else, I should be tucked up in bed!

But! the thoughts in my head, are so strong,

How do I know, they are not wrong?

Over the years, have they been confused?

Just because I was used and abused.

Are they false or are they true?

Am I really remembering, what was done by you?

My childhood memories go so deep,

Not really ones I want to keep.

Can not recall many happy days,

But far to much of YOUR EVIL WAYS!.

Talking about those days today made me realise just how far I have come in the past two years, back then talking about my experiences was something taboo and not done, then suddenly I published my book of poems about my experiences and realised that many others understood just where I was coming from, I no longer felt so alone, people understood my pain and gave me support, something I'd never had before. Not even from my siblings who lived that life with me! Although to be fair they didn't know about the other abuse after I'd left home until two years ago because I was to ashamed to tell anyone! For so many years I had beleived it was my fault, that I'd done something to cause it to happen. I know better now though..

My therapist asked me if there was anything I hadn't disclosed yet to anyone and I said yes, she asked me why and I said I guess its because with certain things I still carry the shame and embarrassement fo what happened, she told me that the shame is not mine to carry it belongs solely with those who abused me, and I said although I know this logically I can't tell certain things as yet! We talked breifly about when these incidents occured and I told her one was when I was about 7 or 8 yr old and the other was when I was 19yr old.. she suggested maybe I could write it down and try to see that the shame wasn't mine, but I told her I find that very hard on these particular incidents as writing it down makes it true! and I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that yet. So she suggested maybe I write it in an email and send it to myself! as if it was someone else sending it to me and asking for advice, she asked me what I would tell anyone who told me these things and I said I would likely tell them 'its not your fault'! but I can't seem to do that with these two things....We talked about a time when I was about 7yr old and was hospitalised with penicillin poisoning, I had a really bad reaction to the drug and nearly died, I was in hospital over two month and had to have a complete blood transfusion and treatment to recover.. it was a tough time for my mum but she visited me every day and often brought me gifts of comics and colouring books etc.. so being sick meant attention and as a child I craved her attention.. My issues with food followed that and weren't helped any by the fact that he would force feed me if I didn't eat my dinner quick enough....

Remembering all this now, is upsetting me so I'm going to stop writing maybe I'll write some more over the next couple of days.. I don't know..

Quite a long time has passed since I have written in here, mainly because life itself has so many ways of distracting and keeping one from doing what we want to do.
In the past month or so I have dealt with my brother being really sick and hospitalised, my sisters partner having a severe stroke and being paralised and problems at work, where they tried to discipline me for being sick! In all cases a lot of stress and heartache, but I got through it all and kept myself going. Had it not been for my good friend I'm not sure I'd have had the strength to get through it, But I did and I'm here to write about it all today.

I've continued going to my weekly therapy sessions throughout and that has also helped a lot as I've been able to unload a lot of things from my head on a regular basis. Today it was the usual session after work, we started off talking about what had happened in the last week or so since we met last and I said it had been a good week, My Employers backed down on the disciplinary after I said I wanted my Union Representative to come to the meeting, so a good result there. My brother is out of hospital once more and my sisters partner is now in a convalesent home recovering from the stroke. She asked me today how it felt to have stood up for myself and won! I admitted it felt good, I have been walking round with a smile on my face all week! lol. Then she asked me when was the last time I had that feeling? I couldn't tell her to be honest as I really don't remember. She asked if I stood up for myself as a child? and I said no I wouldn't dare, if I'd attempted it no doubt it would have meant a beating or some such punishment. She asked me how old I was when I left the family home, I said 16yr old, and she seemed surprised. She said wasn't that a bit young to be going it alone? and I said I had no choice the opportunity arose to get away and I grabbed it with both hands.

She asked me to describe those first few months living on my own and I admitted they were scary, suddenly I had to find a way to pay my own bills, budget my income and get myself to work each day, ensuring I had food to eat and clothes to wear. She asked me to describe what happened the day I left. So I told her that we, Mum, him and myself had gone to london to visit my sister for her birthday, we went up on February 28th 1975... initially we were all going to stay in london for her birthday on March 1st, but she didnt have room for us all to stay overnight so my Mum and him said they would find a bed and breakfast place and return in the morning. Morning came and there was no sign of them, we had a phone call later in the day telling us that they had gone home as they couldn't find anywhere to stay.. I was meant to return the next day by train and they would meet me at the station. But! I never did. I talked to my sister whilst I was there alone and fond out that what was happening to me had happened to her also, she spoke to her mother in law who said I could stay with them, there was no need for me to go back to the abuse! Suddenly I had my way out, totally out of the blue and unexpected but I had to take it as I had no idea when such a chance would come again.
The next day when I was meant to go home I didn't, when they met the train and saw I wasn't on it they called and asked why, I said I wasn't coming back.. He took the phone off mum and said 'well you are coming home, we'll come and get you'.. I got upset by that and my sisters in-laws advised us to go out and stay out until we knew they had been and gone. They travelled over 60 miles to try and take me home, but he failed for the first time in years he didn't control what I did, he couldn't hurt me anymore I thought. But how wrong was I? He still managed to hurt me from afar, as he banned my Mum having any contact with me for nearly 4years.. I'll never forgive him for that, but then again in some ways she was just as abusive as he was, she also force fed me, beat me with slippers, canes and belts. So maybe it was a good thing that I had no contact until I was stronger!
In time I found a place of my own and a job to support myself, it was very lonely as I knew no one and london is a very lonely place especially for a young niave girl on her own. But I survived it as I had survived many things in life up to that point. I had to survive there was no other way, I wasn't going to let him win anymore. Remembering those days today was tough, all the feelings of lonelyness and heartache came flooding back to me as I recalled it, remembering that my mother didn't really make much of an effort to gain contact for 4 yrs, why I ask myself now? Because she beleived him when he told her that she should ignore me? Her own flesh and blood meant nothing to her over him, hense why she allowed the abuse to happen to us all in the first place, she never protected me as a child or as an adult so whats new? Even when we did get in touch again after all that time the first words she said to me consisted of why did you leave? as if she didn't know. Then when I told her I'd met someone she called me a whore! I'd not even slept with him at that point, she had no idea at all. Just because she listened to him all the time. Thank God she isn't here anymore as there are so many questions I'd be asking her, especially today! My feelings tonight are in turmoil as I don't know what I should be feeling, sad that I lost her so early, sad that I can't remeber ever feeling really close to her as a child, sad that she never said 'I love you', sad that I can't remember her ever giving me a hug when I cried and saying it would be ok? and angry that I have these feelings about my own mother!!

I don't know what to do right now, I just want to hide away from the world and scream for the mother I never had, scream and ask her why didn't she love me enough to protect me from him? Why did she sit back and watch him abuse her children? so many questions and no way of finding the answers.......