Today was what was called an intense therapy session, we covered so many different area's of my past that its hard ot know where to start writing about it all.
From what I remember now some 6 hours later it all began with my not being able to say no! As a child the word 'NO' was just not in my vocabulary, and its taken me many years to change that. Nowadays I can sometimes say no, but not to everyone, there are still occasions when I find it a very hard word to say as I hate upsetting people.
We talked about how if I said no as a child I would be punished, and I was asked, was I ever asked 'is there anything you want?' the only time I can recall that question being asked of me was the occasional christmas or birthday, not that I'd get what I had asked for, but it was nice to be asked what I wanted all the same. We then went on to read a few poems from my book, and discussed what made me write them at the time, the first one was called 'TODAY' and was about my first ever experience of going to a councellor for help in dealing with my past. As soon as we'd finished reading it my current therapist asked me if I'd heard of a councelling service called 'options' which is available in the UK. I told her that was who I had seen that day and she said she understood why my experience wasn't a good one. This poem she said explains it very clearly.

TODAY

I went for councelling, after asking for help,

They've left me feeling, I want to yelp!

How dare they treat me the way they did?

Made me feel like I did, as a kid.

The very first session, they asked me it all,

Why am I here? why did I call?

I showed them the poem, I'd shown to the doc,

My heart, my emotions, they did rock.

They talked about me, like I wasn't there,

I still think that, that wasn't fair.

They said to each other, 'Sexual Abuse'?

But! for that we can't help, we are no use.

Then they asked me, my age when it began?

Asked me again, my age when I ran?

I told them from 5years, to 16 years old,

Constantly doing, just what I'm told.

I left that place at 10.15

Wishing their faces, I'd never seen.

Now I feel used, abused once more,

I ran very fast, out of that door.

I didn't know, that there would be two,

After all the tales, I'd heard from you.

I expected it to be one on one,

Now once again feel, like they've had their fun!

Why do they do this? why do it to me?

The pain in my face, there, for all to see.

I don't feel they knew, quite how to react,

Told me, I can only go thrice, thats the pact.

For any survivor of abuse taking the step to get help dealing with it all is a big issue, we need to learn to trust first and formost before revealing anything detailed about what we have experienced in life, and as you may imagine this caused me to have a major upset and meant that I didn't try councelling again for many months. Only then after some friends convinced me that they are not all like those ones. After that experience I was traumatised again, I started having major flashbacks and sleepless nights. On one such night I wrote a poem to try and explain how I was feeling.. I called it ..

'MY THOUGHTS'

What's going on inside my head?

Like everyone else, I should be tucked up in bed!

But! the thoughts in my head, are so strong,

How do I know, they are not wrong?

Over the years, have they been confused?

Just because I was used and abused.

Are they false or are they true?

Am I really remembering, what was done by you?

My childhood memories go so deep,

Not really ones I want to keep.

Can not recall many happy days,

But far to much of YOUR EVIL WAYS!.

Talking about those days today made me realise just how far I have come in the past two years, back then talking about my experiences was something taboo and not done, then suddenly I published my book of poems about my experiences and realised that many others understood just where I was coming from, I no longer felt so alone, people understood my pain and gave me support, something I'd never had before. Not even from my siblings who lived that life with me! Although to be fair they didn't know about the other abuse after I'd left home until two years ago because I was to ashamed to tell anyone! For so many years I had beleived it was my fault, that I'd done something to cause it to happen. I know better now though..

My therapist asked me if there was anything I hadn't disclosed yet to anyone and I said yes, she asked me why and I said I guess its because with certain things I still carry the shame and embarrassement fo what happened, she told me that the shame is not mine to carry it belongs solely with those who abused me, and I said although I know this logically I can't tell certain things as yet! We talked breifly about when these incidents occured and I told her one was when I was about 7 or 8 yr old and the other was when I was 19yr old.. she suggested maybe I could write it down and try to see that the shame wasn't mine, but I told her I find that very hard on these particular incidents as writing it down makes it true! and I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that yet. So she suggested maybe I write it in an email and send it to myself! as if it was someone else sending it to me and asking for advice, she asked me what I would tell anyone who told me these things and I said I would likely tell them 'its not your fault'! but I can't seem to do that with these two things....We talked about a time when I was about 7yr old and was hospitalised with penicillin poisoning, I had a really bad reaction to the drug and nearly died, I was in hospital over two month and had to have a complete blood transfusion and treatment to recover.. it was a tough time for my mum but she visited me every day and often brought me gifts of comics and colouring books etc.. so being sick meant attention and as a child I craved her attention.. My issues with food followed that and weren't helped any by the fact that he would force feed me if I didn't eat my dinner quick enough....

Remembering all this now, is upsetting me so I'm going to stop writing maybe I'll write some more over the next couple of days.. I don't know..