I missed writing in here last week, one thing led to another and I just didn't make it in.. Yet last friday I had so much I had wanted to write about my therapy session.. but most of it is now gone! As I forget what I wanted to say.. I can remember last week we talked about relationships and how I handle them today following my abuse.. I admitted that I don't think I'm very good at them and often over-react to little things and ignore the big.. being to scared of confrontation to face it because in the past it usually meant trouble and nowadays I certainly don't need any of that.. I have a good friend in my life now and we do argue sometimes, but I feel perfectly safe doing so as I know it would never become anything where I would be scared etc.. its safe arguements if there is such a thing?

Today was a hard session, we started of as usual just chatting about current things going on in my life, being off work with a slipped disc has given me lots of thinking time.. but within a short time we were talking about relationships within my family and how I get along today with my siblings. I admitted that with two of my sisters things are strained as they don't really understand where I'm coming from or where I've been, they were lucky in that they weren't sexually abused as children, my other sister and I get along ok, she does understand as she has been there as well.. My brother and I are close though not as close as I'd like to be recently.. I was asked if there were any special reasons my one sister and I are so close apart from both having been through the sexual abuse as children? I tried so hard to explain, I can talk to her now about things I'm dealing with and she understand, for many years she couldn't even bare to hear our step fathers name, she would dislove in tears everytime, so I tried to help about three years ago when I moved back here near her, I started to visit and would regularly try and talk about the past with her, in time she started to talk to me and together we filled in a few gaps, now she can talk about it without getting to upset, obviously she will still get upset on occasions but no where near as much as she used to..

My therapist, I felt sensed there was more to what I was saying and as I started to get upset by the conversation she knew that she was right.. she started asking me to try and tell her but it was just to difficult. My sister used alcohol and drugs in her younger years to block out her Abuse and that was a very hard time for me as a sister to watch her do that to herself, by the time she was 18 she had met aguy and married even though he was a heroin addict, they went on and had a child by the time I left home.. things were difficult and by the time I met my future husband I was visiting her regularly. On one occassion My partner and I went to visit, on arrival we found the house bare of furniture and everything, my sisters husband had sold it all to get his next fix.. all that was left was the bebies cot and clothes everything else was gone! My sister was a mess so my partner and I tried to help her by buying in food and drinks for her and her daughter.. Other things went on that day but I can't write it here its far to painful for me today.. but I sort of admitted it to my therapist today, something I'm not sure I should have done to be honest, but she didn't seem fazed by it at all and reminded me that all our conversations are confidential she promised never to reveal what I told her to anyone.. That gave me small comfort at the time but now.........

Sorry have to stop... will try to write more during the weekend...

Here we are once more, another week has passed and another therapy session under my belt so to speak! It's hard to beleive that just over two years ago I started going to therapy to deal with my past issues, initially I had asked for help from my doctor but the services available in my area are next to nothing, so I decided to go private, something many survivors have to do to get any help dealing with things. I'm now on my second therapist as things seemed to come to a top with the first, this new once is amazing, I feel totally unjudged and able to talk freely she has learnt more about my past in the last nine months than the other one did in nearly two years! Maybe its the atmosphere there? or maybe its the fact that I feel more comfortable talking about my past experiences? I really don't know!

Today started like almost every other one we've had, she asked how my week had gone since I was last there and as is my usual reply, 'not so bad' we chatted about current events for a few minutes. She doesn't let me talk to much about things happening now unless they are related to my past, which is a good thing I guess as I can chat to anyone about my current problems at work and so on.

We decided today to read some more of my book, and she told me about a service being set up nearby that is going to specialise in helping victims of sexual abuse and rape, she has suggested that I contact them and offer them copies of my book as she feels it may help others understand how devastating abuse can be to the victim, and how they can get through it and lead a normal life. She gave me a phone number and someones name but I haven't called as yet as it was to late when I got home. I looked on the website of the group and they seem amazing in what they offer to victims, free councelling and advice centres and support which is so lacking in this area of the country. In fact its lacking all over the country, nationwide! So many victims just can't get the help when they need it unless they go private, which most are unable to afford, so this place will be very busy I think.. Anyways, as I said we started reading more of my poems, We talked about a particular poem I'd written some three years ago which I called;

MY VOICE

In my heart I'm aching to tell you, Exactly what they did,

The terror, The memories, The nightmares, of when I was a kid.

But for some unexplained reason, the words will not come out,

Even when I feel I can, I'm never able to shout!

If someone raises their voice to me, Or even raises a hand,

I Freeze, I stutter, I Stumble, Feelings I can not ban.

I'm afraid of confrontation, Afraid to say my bit,

The memories of my childhood, giving me a fit.

He used to shout out everyday, Every week, we'd plan to run away,

But, we had nowhere we could go, We had to stay, now I know!

Endure all the shouting, the beatings too,

There was never anything, at all we could do!

We all left home, one by one,

But by that time, he'd had his fun.

So! Put up with it all, had no one to tell,

Endure all the beatings, the shouting as well.

As little Children, we had no choice!

BUT! NOW AS ADULTS! WE HAVE A VOICE!

It showed me that just three years ago, I was starting to realise that none of the abuse that I'd endured had been my fault, my siblings and I had taken out first step father through the courts and won, he'd been sentenced to nine years in prison for what he put us all through..

Many years on I had still blamed myself for a lot of it somehow believing that it was my own fault! until I got the internet at home and was introduced to support groups on line, those groups were my saviours and now I co-run one such group with a very special friend of mine. At first going into these groups was so scary, I had no idea there were so many survivors out there looking for the same things as I was, understanding and guidance to sort out how I felt and what I thought was happening to me.

From about christmas 2004 to may 2005 I was getting used to being in these groups and was talking to other survivors about their experiences, unfortunately none of them seemed to want to listen to me and I began to feel very depressed and isolated, once again it seemed that people were taking from me and giving nothing back in return, once again I felt used! People would tell me they were suicidal and couldn't cope with the memories, or that they had overdosed whilst talking to me, I began to isolate myself and try to hide away as I had no idea what to do or say to these people, then I wrote a poem where basically I said 'Listen to me, I need to talk as well'... One lady who is now 'my best friend' decided to listen and I haven't looked back since, she heard my cry for help and understood my need to talk. I hadn't slept properly in months and was having constant 'flashbacks' about things that had happened.. I was sinking and sinking fast, but she was there for me every night for as long as I needed her even though she was thousands of miles away at the time! She showed me what true friendship was and how I could learn to 'TRUST' once more.. something I hadn't done in a very long time..

Today I talked at length with my therapist about my feelings back then, how I remembered the abuse in nightmares and flashbacks, how I felt isolated and alone, and how Somehow I seem to have come through the other side of it and now am relatively stable..lol... if there is such a thing? You tell me eh!! ... We talked about my feelings when as a child I was force fed, how I feel about food today and the connection due to what I had been made to do as a child, it was eyeopening.. I know I only eat because I have to just to survive, not because I enjoy it, I don't find food pleasurable at all.. because of being forced to eat as a child I now hate it, and frequently don't bother.. we talked about how it was being beaten or watching a sibling being beaten each day, always one of us would be beaten, he had to take his mood out on someone and as innocent children we were his targets! I clearly recall right now just how it felt to be beaten with his cane, often he would miss the bottom and catch the lower back, my god did that sting! It hurt really bad but we daren't cry because if we did he'd hit even more, so all of us tried to stay strong and only cry once it was over and we were out of the way where he couldn't hear us...

Sorry can't write anymore tonight... maybe I'll try tomorrow? who knows..

Friday once more, and today has been harder than most usual fridays because its an anniversary day for me. I've had two this week! monday was the anniversary date of when I was abused in cyprus by my second step father and my god it was harder this year than ever! Not really sure why, normally I can just keep occupied and pass the day by but this year, maybe because I'm trying to deal with it all I virtually re-lived it all day. I Had the feelings, the heart ache and the physical pain of being raped once more, it was so tough I wasn't sure I'd make it through. But I did! Though it was hard I had to make it, all this week I have had pain in my stomach, a body reaction I have been told as my body remembers what my mind choses not to reveal to me yet! it has been so uncomfortable as I felt like I was on fire down there! yet I had to continue life as normal and pretend at work at least that all was ok when inside I was falling apart as I remembered bits about what had happened to me all those years ago.
Today is the anniversary date of when I came home from that fateful trip to cyprus, and was unable to tell anyone what went on, firstly because I knew my husband for one would not beleive me, in fact he would most likely have found a way to blame it on me, so I buried it deep inside and tried to carry on as usual. Obviously having been away from home the previous 10 days my husband wanted his marital rights when I got back... even though that was extremely hard for me I had little choice... I remember crying but he didn't notice and in fact just carried on until he wanted to stop! I recall having cried before during our marriage and never once did he stop or ask what was wrong, so I guess I could hardly expect him to be all concerned now eh!
Today I remember those feelings so clearly, the feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage, all he wanted was someone to cook and clean and raise his kids! he didn't want a wife and partner at all, I guess as usual I was just a convenience for him?
I tried so hard in therapy today to tell her what had been happening but just couldn't bring myself to say it all, she knew something was on my mind and tried to help me talk about it all but I couldn't go into any detail at all about what had happened, I did manage to say it was an anniversary and she seemed to understand saying 'maybe we can try and talk about it more next week when its not so hard for you!' I agreed I would try next week.
I wrote a poem just last night to try and explain how I feel just now, I called it ;

Haunts me when I sleep!

Present thoughts and feelings, how long will they last?
Memories of horrors and things in my past.
Emotions are reeling, from happy to sad,
Sitting here thinking, 'Was I really bad?'
Deep down I know, I was a normal child,
Though quiet and reserved, I wasn't wild.
Always did, just what I was told,
Wouldn't dare not, Wasn't that bold!
SO why do I feel all this sorrow and pain?
Just like I'm re-living it all again.
My feelings and thoughts trapped in a mood,
Nothing I can do, if only I could!
Banish the thoughts, extinguish the feelings,
Then maybe my moods wouldn't be reeling.
Feeling I need to spend time alone,
Sorting out my head, my heart, my no go zone!
Safe in my life now, with good friends around,
Helping me to keep, my feet on the ground.
But no one can see my pain or my sorrow,
I'll tell them one day, it won't be tomorrow.
Friday this week another tough day,
The Anniversary date, the second of May.
Returned to my family, after being Abused..
Continued the cycle, once again used!
Nobody noticed and nobody cared,
The pain in my body, forever remains scared.
I could not tell them, just what he'd done,
I knew they'd blame me, cause I was just one.
The one little person, who nobody cared for,
I was used to the feelings, I'd felt them before.
So I kept it all quiet, buried it deep,
But now in my life, it haunts me when I sleep.

As this poem explains all survivors at some time or other suffer from nightmares about what has happened to them, we get flashbacks where we feel the pain, see the images, smell the smells of the time when it happened. Sometimes we feel as though it is actually happening again and it can be a terrifying experience many of us suffer the same symptoms as we did when it really happened to us no matter how many years have passed since the original event, we can go into depressions and become withdrawn and quiet just like we did when it happened the first time.. Thankfully for me this time hasn't been quite that bad although I have wanted to isolate myself a bit and according to work colleagues I have been spacing out a lot this week!.. It has been hard but I got through it and now hopefully I can get back to dealing with it all maybe before the next anniversary date I can deal with enough so as not to let it affect me in this way anymore? Time will tell eh!

Can't write anymore just now, but will try to write some more about what happened over the weekend.. hope you all understand?