Friday once more, and today has been harder than most usual fridays because its an anniversary day for me. I've had two this week! monday was the anniversary date of when I was abused in cyprus by my second step father and my god it was harder this year than ever! Not really sure why, normally I can just keep occupied and pass the day by but this year, maybe because I'm trying to deal with it all I virtually re-lived it all day. I Had the feelings, the heart ache and the physical pain of being raped once more, it was so tough I wasn't sure I'd make it through. But I did! Though it was hard I had to make it, all this week I have had pain in my stomach, a body reaction I have been told as my body remembers what my mind choses not to reveal to me yet! it has been so uncomfortable as I felt like I was on fire down there! yet I had to continue life as normal and pretend at work at least that all was ok when inside I was falling apart as I remembered bits about what had happened to me all those years ago.
Today is the anniversary date of when I came home from that fateful trip to cyprus, and was unable to tell anyone what went on, firstly because I knew my husband for one would not beleive me, in fact he would most likely have found a way to blame it on me, so I buried it deep inside and tried to carry on as usual. Obviously having been away from home the previous 10 days my husband wanted his marital rights when I got back... even though that was extremely hard for me I had little choice... I remember crying but he didn't notice and in fact just carried on until he wanted to stop! I recall having cried before during our marriage and never once did he stop or ask what was wrong, so I guess I could hardly expect him to be all concerned now eh!
Today I remember those feelings so clearly, the feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage, all he wanted was someone to cook and clean and raise his kids! he didn't want a wife and partner at all, I guess as usual I was just a convenience for him?
I tried so hard in therapy today to tell her what had been happening but just couldn't bring myself to say it all, she knew something was on my mind and tried to help me talk about it all but I couldn't go into any detail at all about what had happened, I did manage to say it was an anniversary and she seemed to understand saying 'maybe we can try and talk about it more next week when its not so hard for you!' I agreed I would try next week.
I wrote a poem just last night to try and explain how I feel just now, I called it ;

Haunts me when I sleep!

Present thoughts and feelings, how long will they last?
Memories of horrors and things in my past.
Emotions are reeling, from happy to sad,
Sitting here thinking, 'Was I really bad?'
Deep down I know, I was a normal child,
Though quiet and reserved, I wasn't wild.
Always did, just what I was told,
Wouldn't dare not, Wasn't that bold!
SO why do I feel all this sorrow and pain?
Just like I'm re-living it all again.
My feelings and thoughts trapped in a mood,
Nothing I can do, if only I could!
Banish the thoughts, extinguish the feelings,
Then maybe my moods wouldn't be reeling.
Feeling I need to spend time alone,
Sorting out my head, my heart, my no go zone!
Safe in my life now, with good friends around,
Helping me to keep, my feet on the ground.
But no one can see my pain or my sorrow,
I'll tell them one day, it won't be tomorrow.
Friday this week another tough day,
The Anniversary date, the second of May.
Returned to my family, after being Abused..
Continued the cycle, once again used!
Nobody noticed and nobody cared,
The pain in my body, forever remains scared.
I could not tell them, just what he'd done,
I knew they'd blame me, cause I was just one.
The one little person, who nobody cared for,
I was used to the feelings, I'd felt them before.
So I kept it all quiet, buried it deep,
But now in my life, it haunts me when I sleep.

As this poem explains all survivors at some time or other suffer from nightmares about what has happened to them, we get flashbacks where we feel the pain, see the images, smell the smells of the time when it happened. Sometimes we feel as though it is actually happening again and it can be a terrifying experience many of us suffer the same symptoms as we did when it really happened to us no matter how many years have passed since the original event, we can go into depressions and become withdrawn and quiet just like we did when it happened the first time.. Thankfully for me this time hasn't been quite that bad although I have wanted to isolate myself a bit and according to work colleagues I have been spacing out a lot this week!.. It has been hard but I got through it and now hopefully I can get back to dealing with it all maybe before the next anniversary date I can deal with enough so as not to let it affect me in this way anymore? Time will tell eh!

Can't write anymore just now, but will try to write some more about what happened over the weekend.. hope you all understand?