I Honestly hadn't realised how long it had been since I wrote in here! but so much has happened recently that time just passes by and there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Many regular readers of this blog will know that my brother was awaiting a kidney transplant as his diabetes has caused so many problems, well unfortunately we found out last month that this will no longer be possible, he is terinally ill and there is nothing more the doctors can do for him, its just a matter of time as we wait to see wha t will happen to him next. He now has dementia as the nerves have been damaged also by the diabetes, this has affected his ability to care for himself and he remains in hospital until a suitable nursing home can be found for him, he still has to have his dialisis every night and many homes do nothave the staff qualified to do that for him, so time is all we have with him now. As I try desperately to pre[are for the inevitable I am slowly being destroyed inside, my brother was and is my closest sibling, as children we did almost everything together he stod up for me as much as he could and took beatings from our step father that should have been mine.. I can't bare the thought of losing him but know that at some point in the future I will .... Thankfully I have still been going to my weekly therapy sessions and that has been a big help as I try to accept what is going to happen.

On top of that, I have finally managed to get myself a new job and leave the job from hell... my new position starts next week and although I am nervous I'm looking forward to it a lot. It should be a good experience as the company seem to be the type who appreciate their staff and show their gratitude for work done.. It could be interesting as it is similar work to what I did before but for a much better company.

Therapy has been tough as we talk more and more about past issues and how they affect me today, the difference now to years ago is that sometimes I can talk about things as they are happening with my good friend.. without her around I really don't know where I'd be today. I've been having a few bad dreams lately mainly with my brother involved, they've not been nice dreams and I can't write about them here as yet but hope maybe in time I will be able to. I dream of events that happened when we were small children, how we dealt with them at the time and how much they are affecting me now.. it's not good at all. But in a way it is ok to have the memories as my brother fights to stay alive and stay with us.