Well. Not sure quite how to begin this, the last week has been so hard for me and I'm struggling just to keep things together.

Last Tueday in the early hours of the morning I got the phone call that I had been dreading and hoping would never come, at 1.05am my sister called to let me know that my baby brother had passed away! He had been in hospital with diabetic related problems and awaiting a kidney transplant since last christmas, but it still came as a shock to us all.

I still can't beleive he is gone and I will never hear his voice again, never see him again or see his smile, he was just 47 years old far to young to be taken from us. The whole family is distraught at the loss, he and I were so close, even though I hadn't been to see him for a while he knew (I hope) how much I loved him right to the end.

I don't know where I am this past week, tears have been falling and at other times I am numb, not quite beleiving it has happened. My sisters didn't bother coming to see me until thursday and put me off going to see them before that. When they came round finally they spent the whole hour they were here having a go at me and argueing. I just don't understand? the one time when we should all be helping each other and they attack me, I understand they are angry at his death but it felt as if they were blaming me? why I don't know, but they did.
Now a post mortem has been carried out and the body will be released tomorrow for burial, but it won't happen until next monday 29th septmeber at 2.30pm. This is going to be one of the longest weeks of my life, waiting to finally lay him to rest and try to accept he is gone. I know I will fall apart at the funeral and it will take me a long time to recover from it, you don't expect to bury your younger brother first do you? But we have no choice its happened and we have to deal with it. I have had to cancel my councelling last week and will probably cancel this week as well, but then again I may go and talk it might just help?

NO doubt I will be here frequently the next week as I wait for the start of the dealing with his loss, he was such a big part of my life and there are so many questions I wanted to ask him about our childhood but its to late now! my questions once again will remain unanswered.

Wow, it's been over two months since I last came in here. So much has happened in that time that its hard to write it all down just now.

I am still trying hard to deal with all my abuse issues, but its not easy! I seem to be so angry at the moment that I just don't know what to do to help myself? I am constantly having bad dreams again and small flash's from the past, I can be walking down the road, watching a movie or even be on the train on the way home from work. Just a few weeks ago on a crowded train on the way home, this guy stumbled back into me on purpose, as he did so he placed his hand behind his back and landed it very conveniently on my crutch area.. it was all I could do not to run.. but my friend who was with me realised I was uncomfortable and suggested we move to another carraige. We moved down the train two carraiges to get away from him only to have him follow and sit on the seat next to us! It made me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy.
Then just last weekend we watched a movie with Mellissa Gilbert and that triggered me big time, I didn't realise it at the time but it affected me for quite a long time afterwards. It was a movie about her as a lawyer helping change laws in America about reporting abuse, during the movie her character realised that she herself had been abused by her father as a child! Very close to home.. and upsetting at the same time.

However all that aside, my biggest problem right now is anger! I'm not always sure who or what I'm angry at, I can control it for so long and then I reach a point whereby I lash out? Today my friend was winding me up big time and after so long I could feel myself getting more and more angry until I lashed out and hit her!! I have no idea why, she certainly didn't deserve it but I had tried to say enough, but she kept going and going, over stupid things I seem to lose control and hit out, could it be because of the past? I really have no idea. I know I need to sort out what is happening but how? how do I find out where the anger should be directed? how do I control the urge to hit? what do I do if I can't control it? After lashing out today she told me that I was an Abuser and needed help? isn't that what I am trying to do in therapy? sort out my issues and get the help I need to try and have a normal life, whatever 'normal' is.

I just feel like running away and never coming back right now, maybe then everyone would be happy .. they wouldn't have to put up with my mood swings or my anger. Maybe then spending time alone I would be able to search for the real me, who is hidden deep inside, is the real me the kindhearted person everyone seems to think I am? is it a person I would like to meet? and spend time with? am I really nice to be around or a nightmare? was my stepfather right in saying I was a nightmare child, and is that coming back now? was my mother right in saying I had a very nasty temper?

Or are my memories right about my childhood? spent being as quiet as possible so I wouldn't get noticed and therefore get beaten, was that really how it was? are my memories all messed up? I really don't know who I am anymore... and I don't like the person I seem to be becoming. Not when it means I hurt the people I really do care about. I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!