How do I write what I need here today?

As anyone following this blog will know, my brother has been seriously ill with his diabetes this past year or so, he was awaiting a kidney transplant and was due to se the transplant co-ordinator last monday 29th september.
But, instead of that meeting we were at his funeral! he died on tuesday 16th september after a long fight and the whole family is devastated. It's been just over two weeks now since he was taken from us and my heart is in shreads, I can't beleive that I will never hear his voice again, see his face or hear his jokes.
Following the call at 1.05am on that tuesday, I didn't go to work obviously, I was in peices. Beating myself up with guilt about not seeing him recently, had I known that his time was so short I am certain I would have gone, but no one knew not even the doctors. It was so unexpected that a post mortem was carried out to find the cause of death! This in turn delayed the funeral for a while and it was two weeks after his death that we were finally able to lay him to rest and try to say goodbye! That day will stay with me forever, no one expects to bury their younger brother especially when he was only 47 years old. My sisters had spent the week following his death attacking me for not visiting him more often, saying things like, 'he made a comment in hospital on sunday about not seeing you' but we won't say what he said as it would hurt you to much' ! why do they do this? When our mother died I got all their anger directed at me and now they do it again with my brothers death, it's not fair!
The funeral was on monday at 2.30pm.. and I was told it was a closed funeral 'family only' so my friend was unable to be there with me, they were all ok, they had their husbands with them.. but I was alone apart from my children, and if it hadn't been for my daughter I don't think I could have coped at all. She was wonderful to be honest, putting aside her own grief to be there for me! She spent most of the service on her knee's huggin me as she was sat behind me. I had been placed on the second row in the chapel... not good enough for the first I guess, I was not considered to be his sister that day, I was relegated back a row so that my sisters partners could sit with them in front!!!!! even my brothers son was put back to the third row ???? My sisters are selfish little bitches and one day the time will come when I get even, but as they say, 'revenge is a dish best served cold' how true!

I left the chapel a mess, feeling barely able to stand and now it feels as if my life is destroyed! my brother is gone! never to be seen again by my eyes, never to be heard again by my ears.. I miss him so much already it is a physical ache.. my heart is broken and its going to take a long time for me to accept this loss.. I could upset my sisters so much by telling them the things he used to say to me about them, but I'm not that heartless.. they are comments that I will take to the grave with me as I'm not going to repeat them ever.
I wrote a poem for my brother as is my way of dealing with things that happen in my life, a copy of it is here;

My Heart is Broken Anyway!

Taken from us far to young,
Yet nothing bad, had you ever done!
I try to eat, I try to sleep,
Your memory in my heart I'll keep.
My favourite sibling of them all,
You made me proud, as you stood tall.
The youngest one from our clan,
I'll always remember, because I can.
The laughter, and the tears and jokes,
As at me, some fun you'd poke.
But I didn't care, it was just your way,
You'd always show me anyway.
I know you loved me, without a doubt,
Your little Sis, Wants to scream and shout!
It is not right, the way you suffered,
All you wanted, was to be mothered.
You always looked out for me,
Ever since we were just wee.
Who will be my shining Knight ?

When I recall as I sleep at night?
Who will stand beside me tall?
Whenever I'm about to fall?
Who will pick me to my feet?
And make me sit down in a seat?
Your gone for good, and now I know,
Your memory will forever glow.
I'll miss you always, from today,
My heart is broken anyway!

For his funeral flowers I wrote a special short verse;

Your always here!

As they lay you down to sleep,

My Heart is broken, now I weep.

Your loving memory in my heart,

Will mean we never are apart.

I miss you now, I always will,

In my heart, an awful chill.

You lit up my life, made me glad,

When I think of you now, I am sad.

The times we shared, never lost,

Now we have to pay the cost.

So rest in peace, My brother dear,

For in my heart, Your always here.

I beleive this says it all? I surely do hope that there is a better life out there for our loved ones?But until it is my time to go I won't know, but at least he suffers NO MORE!