Well its been rather a long time since I have been in here, but today I feel so low that I have to do something!

The loss of my brother has hit me so hard, I'm finding everyday life to hard to cope with right now, I am getting dreams about our childhood, dreams about what might have been had he not died and dreams about what I have done with my life!
Not very much so far I have to admit. Being abused as a child is causing me so much turmoil right now, the thoughts and feelings going through my head are crippling me and I don't know what to do about it. I've been off work almost since he died on September 16th, I had a week of compassionate leave followed by a weeks holiday, then the funeral and signed of for two weeks by my doctor for bereavement.. I was a mess and if I'm completely honest I still am! I returned to work on October 15th only to get a bad cold which meant by the 21st I was signed of again by my doctor with a chest infection, this in turn became Bronchitus and I haven't been back at work since. But! as I don't get paid for being sick where I work, I am now finding that regardless of how I feel I need to go back next week, finances won't allow me to have my greiving time anymore..

My life is a fucking mess and I don't know what I can do to put it right. Sometimes I feel I can handle things and get back on track when other times I just sit at home and stare at the TV or computor screen but don't really see whats there! I have no motivation at all to get on with things, all my drive seems to have driven away and I'm having to fight everyone just to stay on an even keel.. why does it have to be so damned hard all the time?
The pain in my heart and soul right now is overwhelming and I can't handle much more. The fights at home are getting worse and are generally over things that are not my fault.. yet I get blamed for them regardless. My son is finding it difficult seeing me like this and knows how much I am hurting but there is nothing he can do to help, my friend who lives with us tries to help but ... doesn't always do the right things that I need, I get complained at for allowing my son to watch TV in the lounge when we're not even home, I get told to do this do that, no choices allowed.. Why am I not allowed to make choices anymore? Am I not in control of my own life? Am I allowing others to take control once again? Why Am I so weak that when I stand up for myself, everyone hates me? they make it clear they don't want me as I am, they want a 'yes' girl.. but thats not me anymore, I will not be beaten down by verball abuse and threats or blackmail any more.

As a child I was threatened and blackmailed into keeping quiet, to the extent that I allowed myself to be abused again and again, well no more.. people can either accept me as I am or go to hell! I've had enough of being pushed around to suit everyone else now its time for me to be able to do what I want to do, how I want to do it and when.. everyone else can either fit in with that or go their own way because I've had enough of the abuse in my life and I'm not taking it anymore.... EVER!!!
I am so low right now I could very easily join my brother, at least there I would not be feeling the pain I have right now, I wouldn't be pushed around and abused by anyone.. in fact I'd feel nothing at all!!!!